Look, he’s at a street market…

While his unrefined team mates summer on continental beaches by day, and shout slow drunken English at frightened waiters by night, old Lampsie prefers the rustic markets of Taormina in succulent Italy. This, of course, is a tell tale sign that he must be moving to Inter. You heard it here first.

Or, like, ninth.

England players, look away now! 

Nothing upsets the eyes more than spotting your boss in a non-work situation, and realising that the man who sends chills through your blood every single day of the week spends his summers in tight Speedos, dangling his spindly legs over the side of dreamy sailboats in Italy.  Probably with his topless wife, who’s old enough to be your topless grandmother.

Spoiler bonus: more ‘tiny pants on a boat’ action from a fat Craig Charles look-alike here

Sexy couple goes sunbathing, people take pictures

Caught in the whirlwind of a Ferguson rage, about to embark on a mission entitled “turn all Man United fans against me”, only recently spat out of Euro 2008 and straight into The Spoiler’s most disappointing XI, Cristiano Ronaldo would be wise to rest up while he can. And so he has. In boiling hot Italy no less, with the sturdy young woman currently lugging around his heavy heart in her back pocket. Her name, of course, is Nereida Gallardo - you probably know her as the most popular WAG on the planet. Regardless of the fact that she has the look of a woman who likes her eggs raw and by the dozen.

More steamy holiday pics after the jump.

They’re a disgrace, a big revolting disgrace…

Okay, we’ve drooled enough over the Arshavins and the David Villas, now it’s time to load up the claws and get stuck into some massive Euro 2008 flops. These men should think about getting a new day job - especially you, Ronaldo, or whatever your name is! What’s that? It is Ronaldo? Yeah, well…. shut up!

GK Petr Cech (Czech Republic)
His mistakes were costly, the hat looks stupid, and he’s getting more and more grumpy - starting to resemble the world’s most sullen gimp.

DL Paulo Ferreira (Portugal)
Lack of match practice and being played out of position made Ferreira appalling against the Germans. Needs to locate his footballing ability.

DC Lilian Thuram (France)
In fairness, he should never have been there. Too old for the modern speedsters with their shiny trainers and spikey hairstyles. Someone needs to tell him to stop.

These men stepped up to the plate, brought their A game, gave it 110 per cent etc…

As everyone knows, the semi finals and finals of important competitions are an appalling waste of time. Everyone’s too frightened to touch the ball, to the point where grown men just gather around staring at each other, too paranoid to even speak. Hence, the team of the tournament has been chosen based on the real football that The Spoiler has already witnessed…

GK Iker Casillas (Spain)
For single handedly snatching football glory away from the Italians, and looking a little bit like a child attempting to grow a beard. Out-goallied Buffon.

DL Yuri Zhirkov (Russia)
Once you’ve finished rolling around on the floor in hysterics because his name sounds a little bit like “jerk off”, you’ll notice that he’s been a prince amongst left backs. Brilliant.

DC Giorgio Chiellini (Italy)
Whilst it made for the most face-scratchingly boring non-England match since Glasgow Women’s Deaf and Dumb Wheelchair Team took on the local hospice’s Coma XI, don’t forget that the Italian defence was brilliant. Particularly this man.

Great alternative to boring match highlights

I was fully intending on putting up highlights from the Italy/Spain Euro 2008 quarter-final in this space, but when it came down to it, I just didn’t have the heart to put Spoiler readers through it. Most of you wasted a good two hours that you can never have back last night - it may have picked up a little in the second half, but for the most part it was more tedious than the third Pirates film.

My call to find something slightly more interesting was answered by Pies, who have combined the worlds of dominoes, international football and awesome Europop soundtracks. At last!

It’s quite pointless, but then again, so was Alan Shearer’s attempt at analysis last night (”I’m backing Spain,” he told us several times in lieu of anything insightful about the game).

[If you simply must see how Spain defeated the Azzurri, click here]

Which Spaniard deserves a smacked bottom?

Big tournaments always seperate the wheat from the chaff, the goats from the sheep, the real heroes from the posers wearing drainpipes etc. And this year has been no different. Going in, everyone was blathering about Ronaldo, and saying things like “it could be France’s year, seriously, I just know it”. How wrong those idiots were.

Make no mistake, it’s been a great tournament, and there is still time for some big names to become great again, but for now, The Spoiler barometer has cast it’s aspersions. Don’t fight it, drink it in.

Topping the table with a phenomenol run is Valencia’s David Villa - a man who can somehow make time to fashion a pencil beard and score four goals for Spain. He has left Torres in the shade. To think he was going to go to Tottenham. Hilarious.

Also on the up and up is Russia’s revelation Andrei Arshavin, one of the Zenit St Petersburg crop. His lofty Russian wages won’t scare off the bigger names in Europe post-tournament, so expect to hear much more from him.

Those two are joined in the top half of the barometer by Wesley Sneijder - the pick of the excellent Holland team - and Turkey’s Nihat Kahveci, who scored probably the best goal so far against Petr Cech, supposedly the best goalkeeper in the world.

Sliding down towards the other end is Germany’s Klose - tipped

French find themselves up baguette creek without a croissant

After Franck Ribery dropped to the ground in agony, clutching those around him as if he were frantically uttering his final words, the Italians were destined to control last night’s Group B match. Still, France boss Raymond Domenech considered the defeat a ‘beautiful moment’ and found time to propose to his girlfriend live on French TV straight after the final whistle. Maybe he can put his impending payoff from his employers towards the wedding.

Despite Adrian Mutu’s attempts at covering every position on the pitch, the Romanians couldn’t break down Holland’s B team.

Part one of The Spoiler’s in-depth WAG holiday analysis

Without the need to attend a European Championships, it’s only natural that the nation’s premier supporting ladies have escaped the thoroughly unpredictable English weather for sunnier climes.

Pictured above is Steven Gerrard using a common Liverpudlian communication technique to attract the attention of his lovely wife Alex Curran while relaxing in Miami. See more pictures of Mrs Gerrard here.

Over in Italy, former Miss Ireland Claudine Palmer is enjoying her honeymoon with brand new hubby Robbie Keane. He’s in the photo waving at the camera, but the wee lad only comes up to her shin. See more of Claudine here.

More WAG holiday madness after the jump…

Dutchman forced to choose between country and future club career

Dutch boss Marco van Basten is perfectly within his rights to field a weakened team against Romania tonight (”It’s not against the rules, it’s a fact of life,” said UEFA spokesman William Gaillard), and eliminating the possibility of meeting France or Italy in the semi-finals would appear to be a wise move. However, former Italy gaffer Cesare Maldini has claimed the Dutchman can forget about coaching in Milan if he rolls over Portugal-stylee tonight:

“Van Basten has a two year contract [with Ajax after the Euros] but I know that after he wants to come to coach in Italy.

“Will it be at Milan? We will see. But for sure he will want to arrive in Italy with a clean slate, and he cannot do this by losing to the Romanians on purpose.”

The word ‘vendetta’ comes from Italian (I know, I was surprised too), so there’s little chance the boot-shaped nation will forgive and forget the coach if he fields a weakened side against Adrian Mutu and co tonight. But will he succumb to Italian pressure? Is he even interested in the AC Milan job? Let us all know your thoughts with a comment below.

[Goal.com]