No no no, this can’t be right…

In his long impressive managerial career, Sir Alex Ferguson has fashioned himself as a ferocious Braveheart figure, ruling his kingdom with an iron fist tucked inside a gorgeous velvet glove. And he’s had no problem slamming it down on player’s hopes and dreams - just look at Stam, van Nistelrooy, Beckham. He even dropped his lapdog Steve Bruce from an FA Cup final team.

So what was the hardest decision he’s had to make at United? The one which keeps him up late into the night, chewing rabidly on his gum? Leaving Park Ji-Sung out of the squad for last season’s Champions League final, of course.

“In many ways it was the hardest decision I have ever had to make, because Ji-Sung had played such a great part in the previous games against Roma and Barcelona,” spluttered the maroon-nosed Scot. Obviously lying.

Hey, Sir Alex, you know what else was a mistake? Letting Jordi go.

Eleven men, all hated by one man

United players fall into two distinct camps: the ones Sir Alex will personally visit over Christmas for a cuddle - Giggs, Irwin, Solksjaer, Neville, Scholsie - and those he’ll spy on from a nearby tree, whispering profanities under his breath - Dwight Yorke, Becks, and now Cristiano Ronaldo. Ferguson does not tolerate certain characters, and as things stand, the gelled-up winger looks likely to be playing himself into this team of rebels, all of whom still send angry chills up Ferguson’s aging spine.

GK Jim Leighton
Leighton was riding the crest of a wave in his early Man United days, with even Brian Clough saying “Jim Leighton is a rare bird - a Scottish goalkeeper that can be relied on.” But then Sir Alex axed him from the 1990 FA Cup final replay against Palace, sending the keeper into a downward spiral, involving anger, shame, Les Sealey, and, eventually, Dundee.

DL Gabriel Heinze
The future was so bright for Heinze (pronounced “hent-zay” apparently) - United fans loved him, his hair was only second in footballing terms to Ginola’s. But then it all went hideously wrong. His body revolted, Ferguson embarked on a love affair with Patrice Evra, and Gabriel could no longer be guaranteed the satin starting shirt he so yearned for. He threw an almighty strop, and finally Ferguson bundled him in the direction of Real Madrid - simultaneously ignoring the clamour from Liverpool.