NotRonaldo talks his way out of Old Trafford…

Ruud van Nistelrooy, Jaap Stam and Roy Keane all have the same two things in common. All three were indispensable Man Utd players who were very much dispensed of the moment they crossed Sir Alex Ferguson.

The Spoiler can only assume Utd winger Nani, who is currently about as indispensable as a used, porous condom, was blissfully unaware of these events ever having happened, since he’s made the extremely stupid move of criticising Fergie in the tabloid press.

“It is clear the 23-year-old has reached the end of his tether,” crows The Sun, while rubbing their hands at the carnage about to unfold. “In a no-holds barred interview, Nani reveals how:”

He has felt the withering force of Fergie’s infamous hairdryer rage.

He is frustrated at being omitted from big-game starting line-ups.

He believes promises have not been kept.

Three grievances, all of which can be answered with one simple explanation: “It’s because you’re s**t.”

Welsh midfielder may not think much of C-Ron

Keen to create a divide between Cristiano Ronaldo and his current employer, Spanish paper Marca are stirring things up extracting some insinuations from an interview with teammate Ryan Giggs.

The Welshman was asked to pick his Manchester Utd dream team, and he proceeded to wax lyrical about the likes of Paul Scholes, Gary Neville and Wayne Rooney. As you can see from his selection below, however, there is a distinct absence of any lothario Portuguese wingers:

The Giggs Manchester Utd dream team

Schmeichel or Van der Sar (he doesn’t distinguish between them as both are super brill)
Gary Neville
Jaap Stam
Rio Ferdinand
Dennis Irwin
David Beckham
Paul Scholes
Roy Keane
Ryan Giggs
Eric Cantona
Wayne Rooney

The Spoiler is concerned that the old guard has shown an apparent lack of appreciation for Ronaldo, but perhaps a little more concerned that Giggsy chose to pick himself in his own dream team…

No no no, this can’t be right…

In his long impressive managerial career, Sir Alex Ferguson has fashioned himself as a ferocious Braveheart figure, ruling his kingdom with an iron fist tucked inside a gorgeous velvet glove. And he’s had no problem slamming it down on player’s hopes and dreams - just look at Stam, van Nistelrooy, Beckham. He even dropped his lapdog Steve Bruce from an FA Cup final team.

So what was the hardest decision he’s had to make at United? The one which keeps him up late into the night, chewing rabidly on his gum? Leaving Park Ji-Sung out of the squad for last season’s Champions League final, of course.

“In many ways it was the hardest decision I have ever had to make, because Ji-Sung had played such a great part in the previous games against Roma and Barcelona,” spluttered the maroon-nosed Scot. Obviously lying.

Hey, Sir Alex, you know what else was a mistake? Letting Jordi go.

Eleven men, all hated by one man

United players fall into two distinct camps: the ones Sir Alex will personally visit over Christmas for a cuddle - Giggs, Irwin, Solksjaer, Neville, Scholsie - and those he’ll spy on from a nearby tree, whispering profanities under his breath - Dwight Yorke, Becks, and now Cristiano Ronaldo. Ferguson does not tolerate certain characters, and as things stand, the gelled-up winger looks likely to be playing himself into this team of rebels, all of whom still send angry chills up Ferguson’s aging spine.

GK Jim Leighton
Leighton was riding the crest of a wave in his early Man United days, with even Brian Clough saying “Jim Leighton is a rare bird - a Scottish goalkeeper that can be relied on.” But then Sir Alex axed him from the 1990 FA Cup final replay against Palace, sending the keeper into a downward spiral, involving anger, shame, Les Sealey, and, eventually, Dundee.

DL Gabriel Heinze
The future was so bright for Heinze (pronounced “hent-zay” apparently) - United fans loved him, his hair was only second in footballing terms to Ginola’s. But then it all went hideously wrong. His body revolted, Ferguson embarked on a love affair with Patrice Evra, and Gabriel could no longer be guaranteed the satin starting shirt he so yearned for. He threw an almighty strop, and finally Ferguson bundled him in the direction of Real Madrid - simultaneously ignoring the clamour from Liverpool.