Right, to kick things off there are a few congratulations to get out of the way. Congratulations to Egypt for winning the Africa Cup of Nations. Congratulations to John Terry for managing to paint an even more abhorrent picture of himself than the one that already existed in The Spoiler’s mind, whilst simultaneously reopening the old abortion debate (should you go private etc…?).
And congratulations to Vanessa Perroncel for signing up with Max Clifford - the man who did such a tremendous job of making Rebecca Loos absolutely impossible to dislike.
But, today will be all about transfers. And so far, it looks like the Man City cheque book might yet become tatty and worn in a frenzy of activity, with deals for Real’s Fernando Gago, Parma’s McDonald Mariga, and Middlesbrough’s Adam Johnson still just about alive in the water.
Sweet baby Moses, Mondays can hit a man in the underpants, as the heady weekend hours of boozing in some glitzy high street wine bar, then snogging a stranger’s mouth for twenty minutes in a doorway before puking and stumbling home become just a beautiful distant memory. Will things ever be that good again? Will they?
It’s depressing, but one group of heroes immune to these cruel weekly cock-punches are the hardened sports hacks - from the likes of The Daily Mail, The Mirror, Marca, The Telegraph etc… - who know how to just shut up moaning and get back to work. Here’s what we know today about football transfers…
Typical of the January transfer window, big-name transfer moves remain thin on the ground this morning. Consequently, the majority of papers are busying themselves falling over each other trying to guess which club will be the first to receive West Ham’s newly acquired porno-pounds.
Wantaways Benni McCarthy, James Beattie and Benjani,are currently heading the list of luminaries picked to start the wheels turning on the Hammers’ seven-year Champions League plan, with once-good Chelsea striker Eidur Gudjohnsen - now at Monaco apparently - an outside bet to join Gianfranco Zola’s strike-force.
Whilst the rest of the nation was getting high on that hot spicy wine stuff that people seem to love at this time of year, some unsung heroes spent the weekend digging around the murky world of football transfers. Here’s what was grasped through the mists of a seriously intense hot wine hangover:
With his brain still smudged by the sight of a naked old man trying to smash his nose with his forehead, James Beattie is calling time on his Stoke interlude. Word from The People suggests that he might just be the man to muscle up alongside Fernando Torres in Liverpool’s team of also-rans come 2010.
David James looks set to become reunited with Harry Redknapp for around £2 million, as Portsmouth fight to fend off any problematic bank managers during their Eastenders-style Christmas, so says The Sunday Express.
And in big foreign player news, Wenger could yet splash out on Rafael van der Vaart, who can play pretty much anywhere in the midfield - but probably not up front.
Plus, according to the men with pipes at The Mail on Sunday, Chelsea are going to throw 40 million big ones at Sergio Aguero.
In the spirit of true World Cup optimism, Matthew Le Tissier - definitely the most wasted England talent of all time - has offered to coach the final squad on how to correctly take a penalty. Remember, this is a man who only buggered up one in his whole career. In the manner of Mr Miyagi, he said this (as featured in today’s Daily Mail):
“For me, taking a penalty was the easiest chance I was going to get of scoring in the entire game and that was the way that I approached it. I had a very positive attitude.”
Wise words from Le Tiss.
News from Stoke suggests that the Pulis/Beattie fallout was rather more putrid on the eye than was initially suspected. One story goes that Pulis emerged from the shower to find Beattie slagging him off, so launched into an over-the-top headbutt, whilst completely naked.
Honestly, people could see his managerial penis and everything. Allegedly. That’s going to leave a smudge on the brain.
Either way, the pair have reportedly made friends. Kind of. In that they’ve issued apologies, and Beattie will be long gone come January.
And over in fashionable France, the locals have been doing some serious shrugging, after news filtered throught the dense fog of Gauloise smoke that Raymond Domenech pocketed roughly £726,046.46 in bonuses during the national team’s particularly flaccid and outrageous World Cup qualifying campaign.
Even with the insane striker shortage leaving his attack almost as hamstrung as a boxer with cotton wool fists, Arsene Wenger - as reported in today’s Telegraph - shall not be tempted to loan the services of Ruud van Nistelrooy in January. Oh no.
In fact, his quest for a decent frontman has taken a rather intriguing turn, which might yet find the Arsenal boss sitting at his bedside table feverishly scribbling a letter to a very fat old man with a beard.
“Let’s not dream too much in January that we can find a world-class player - that is what is needed to strengthen our team - who is not cup-tied in the Champions League and who is free. You need a good Father Christmas for that!”
Great idea!
Less talk, more penmanship, Wenger.
Elsewhere in the world, The Guardian reports that James Beattie didn’t turn up for training at Stoke today, following his well-documented bust up with Tony Pulis.
The striker, apparently, was feeling sore because the team’s plans to sleep off some rampant Crimbo drinks were scuppered. So Tony Pulis punched him in the face… or something… allegedly.
And over in beautiful sunny Spain, Ronaldo said this:
Pick your favourite player who wears the revered squad number
Calendar enthusiasts will be aware that today is 09/09/09, which is easily the most significant day in the Gregorian system since 07/08/09. In celebration of this tremendous occasion, we’re asking you to pick the best current number nine in the Premier League.
It’s a fairly mixed bunch - which sees no representatives from nine-haters Fulham and Everton - and we suspect one of two names will dominate…
Spoiler promotion: Fancy a free punt? Of course you do, silly billy! Check out hundreds of pounds worth of free football bets at OLBG Sports
As The Spoiler’s end of season festivities get into full swing, today we look at the best signings of the 2008/09 Premier League campaign. Sorry Wisey, Xisco and Coloccini didn’t make the cut…
Jose Bosingwa (Porto to Chelsea, £16.3m)
Whether Jose Bosingwa (or ‘Boswinga’ if you’re Jamie Redknapp) was officially a Big Phil Scolari signing is a point of contention, but considering the four other members of his inspirational clutch of signings have only racked up 22 starts and three goals between them, we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. However, what can’t be argued against is how seamlessly the full back has slotted into Chelsea’s defence this season, in a role the Blues have previously struggled to fill.
James Beattie (Sheffield Utd to Stoke, £2.5m)
It was fair to assume Beattie’s Premier League days were numbered after a pretty woeful spell at Everton earned him a move down to the Championship with Sheffield United last season. Yet after answering Stoke’s SOS call in the January transfer window, Beatts has signaled his return to the top flight by averaging nearly a goal every other game and contributing to 13 of the 24 points Stoke have picked up since his arrival. Such season-saving form might just be the best £2.5m Tony Pulis has ever spent.
Marouane Fellaini (Standard Liege to Everton, £15m)
Fellaini’s Premier League success isn’t too surprising considering the fact that 32 foreign scouts were in the crowd to watch him play in Liege’s title-winning league match last season. Still, the lanky afro cultivator was pretty much unknown to fans over here until making his mark as the driving force behind a Liege team that by all rights should’ve beaten Liverpool to Champions League qualification at the start of the season. Clocking in with an impressive nine goals and firmly establishing himself as a midfield battler, that £15m price tag everyone laughed at now looks a bit less ridiculous.
Wilson Palacios (Wigan to Tottenham, £12m)
Harry Redknapp’s transfer market dial
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