With the transfer window now wide open, money men with be lapdancing pathetically throughout the summer, hoping to attract some big name players. Don’t bother with this little lot, you successful football whores.
GK Brad Friedel (Blackburn Rovers)
He might have been plying his trade in Blighty for over ten years, but Friedel still has that “U.S.A!” grit about him - a stateside quality most profoundly portrayed by Sly Stallone in Escape to Victory in 1981. He’s been at Blackburn since 2000, and against stiff competition from the likes of David James and Petr Cech, he still comes out on top. Just.
DL Phil Neville (Everton)
There’s something about Phil Neville that suggests he spends teatime shovelling food into his mouth at an ungodly speed, before slamming his cutlery down, punching the are and shouting “I win”. It’s a worry.
The Prem stars most likely to devalue your property
Living next door to a footballer, you’d undoubtedly have the luxury of living in a huge pre-fab mansion in a sleepy gated community. But sharing a living space with the Premier League’s finest could make your free time miserable.
One of my flatmates at university, for example, lived next door to Beckhingham Palace in Bishops Stortford, Herts. The huge gardens meant his house was probably several miles from the Beckhams’ lavish pile, but he constantly complained of the paparazzi blocking his driveway, ruining his view, stepping on his peacocks etc.
There are plenty of Premiership stars who would make worse neighbours than the Beckhams - so get voting on your neighbour from hell, or suggest another in the comments section.
Liverpool’s December Christmas party was postponed when Stevie G allowed masked intruders to burgle his home and terrify his wife. To make up for the celebration-halting gaff, he pulled out all the stops at the rescheduled event with some thoroughly over-the-top prosthetics.
Having dressing as a parrot last year, Peter Crouch let us a little further into his subconscious bird obsession by dressing as a penguin. Which bird next year, Pete? Falcon? Budgie?
Daniel Agger’s homage to the punk greats such as Good Charlotte showed effort, as did Steve Finnan’s Beetlejuice and Sami Hyypia’s strange
