Cardiff/ Portsmouth, Saturday, 3pm, BBC1, bet here

In an early episode of the League of Gentlemen, demented old bag Tubbs Tattsyrup (favourite food: worms) retires to a cave with a road map of Britain. The map comes from the belongings of yet another unfortunate traveller she has done in with her brother/husband Edward, and as she flicks through the pages of this strange document, enjoying a hair sandwich, she suddenly stops and announces in wonder, “There is a Swansea!” This weekend, all those millions of foreigners in their Canadas and their Thailands who have become addicted to Premier League football, with a particular weakness for regular Big Four action, will discover that there is also a Cardiff. They will find that football grown in a less financially privileged environment is so ugly as to be barely watchable. And they will also discover a need for powerful dictionaries to help them interpret all the guff about plucky underdogs and “the romance of the Cup”. Although the Wager generally has little time for underdogs - we like winners! - all our cash is going on a Welsh win.

Think we’re mental for liking the Bluebirds? Or traitors? Then get on ‘arry’s Pompey!

The statistics

* Cardiff won their final league game 3-0. The last four teams to score three or more in their final league game before the Cup Final have gone on to win - Liverpool, Arsenal, Chelsea and Manchester United.

* With Benjani sold and Jermain Defoe cup-tied,

And so the football season comes to a dramatic halt, with very dodgy happenings over in Boro - something stinks, and for once it isn’t Jermain Defoe’s finger. Either way, with the top and bottom sorted, the players thought it necessary to go out on the razzle-dazzle. Fashionable Movida was the place to be.

Of course, as expected, Jermain Defoe was his usual slippery self, persuading a cheerful brunette that she should just get in the car and return with him to his dreamy bachelor pad - there, he would no doubt pop on some light Jazz music, spark up a joss-stick, then make some seriously oily love to her until the sun rose, or his alarm clock went off (whichever came first). Lots of that is assumption, but probably happened.

Jermain Defoe bags another Big Brother Z-Lister

Portsmouth ‘playa’ Jermain Defoe is continuing his one-man quest to steamroller every faux-chested glamour girl in the capital by secretly dating Big Brother 7 housemate Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace, according to The Daily Mirror:

“Jermain’s a bit of a love machine and is used to having a WAG around. Aisleyne is blonde and busty - she fits the bill perfectly.”

Defoe, who has previously graced Danielle Lloyd and Charlotte Meares with his charming company, was spotted ‘canoodling’ with her over dinner at the Fifty club in Mayfair last week. It’s good to know that Jermain has upheld his mantra of only entering a public building if it is classed as a ‘club’ and if silicone boobs are involved.

Did Charlotte Meares knock back the Arsenal shot stopper?

Just last week, Jens Lehmann was telling the world how few friends he has at Arsenal:

“I don’t socialise with my team-mates. Age-wise, they are closer to my sons than they are to me.”

The lanky German doesn’t make time for Fabregas and co, but that doesn’t he doesn’t like to paint the town red! Jenny No Mates is pictured above leaving Embassy Club in London on Saturday night, sporting a bin liner jacket (all the rage with ‘Partyboys’ in Berlin) and a grumpy pout that could turn milk sour. Jermain Defoe’s ex rutt-partner Charlotte Meares was socialising at the same establishment - this is surely more than just a sexy coincidence. Could

Portsmouth love rat inspires more hatred in serial on/off WAG

Danielle Lloyd was paying a visit to London nightspot Funky Buddha last night (Dani in a nightclub on a school night? I know, I’m as surprised as you are) when she ran into a spot of bother with an another ex-rutt partner of Portsmouth playa Jermain Defoe. (Bearing in mind that Defoe has probably slept with the majority of the female patrons in any given London nightclub, it’s impossible to identify the girl at this point.) Apparently, things got fierce and Dani threw a glass of booze in the girl’s face, which led to her forced ejection from the club.

What could have enraged the former reality television racist so much? Did the alcohol soaked lady try to discredit

Premier League Playa of the Year dismisses relationship as a ‘fling’

Poor old Danielle Lloyd. Not only does she have to live her life in the pages of the Daily Star, but her most recent football lover has made her look like a chump in the same paper. Top “player” Jermain Defoe took up the pen to dismiss their relationship as a ‘fling’, despite the fact that not five minutes ago Miss Lloyd was gearing up to move in with him:

“As far as I’m concerned, I’ve been single since Charlotte [Meares].

“So the love rat thing is all a load of rubbish - and it’s doing my head in. Even when I left Tottenham for Portsmouth - and scored a goal on my debut - people weren’t interested in that.

“Everyone thinks I’m this big bad love rat - but I ain’t.

“I just wanna play football. I score goals and am doing stuff on the pitch, but all people want to chat about is my personal life.”

The Portsmouth striker/ Chinawhite resident also set the record straight on numerous scandals involving him and an endless string of ropey models. He claims there is nothing wrong with his behaviour, and he is simply a ‘good Catholic boy’. Who likes to go to nightclubs the night before training. Who likes to sleep with a different woman every night. And who is being driven to the edge of distraction trying to work out how people are finding out about his private life:

“I just don’t know how everything I do is getting found out,” he says, exasperated. I feel you, Jermain.

This is all getting a bit weird now

UPDATE: The girl kissing Miss Lloyd in the pic is not Sarah Giggle (although the picture agency who sold me the pic still insist it is, and I’m reliably informed that she was present). It is in fact be popstar Mantana Manning, who has thus far managed to avoid Defoe’s predatory radar. Apologies to her for any offence caused by being caught up in Defoeworld.

What a life Jermain Defoe lives. Undeterred by a 200-mile round trip to training or displaying a blatant lack of professionalism, the Portsmouth striker, known by most women in the UK as the world’s greatest lover, was out on the tiles in London again last night, this time at Funky Buddha.

As if Defoeworld isn’t great enough, his ex-girlfriend Danielle Lloyd accompanied him to the club, as did Sarah Giggle, the glamour model who he cheated on Dani with, and who sold her steamrollering story to the News of the World last weekend . That’s the two of them kissing in the pic above. That’s right, despite his dirty rutting games, all three of them get along famously.

Portsmouth striker’s classy lass hits the town

Despite moving to the South Coast, Jermain Defoe simply can’t drag himself away from the scene at his favourite Gants Hill nightclub Faces. This is partially because he loves the music and ambiance, but mainly due to the fact that most of the clientele have had sex with him.

Last night, the Portsmouth striker was accompanied by ex-rutt parner Charlotte Meares was in attendance, but she was upstaged by the fashion sensibilities of Defoe’s latest conquest Sarah Giggle. She’s the pretty little thing who thought it appropriate to wear the charming ensemble shirt above in public, let alone to a nightclub.

Sarah, a dancer and glamour model from Essex, boasted in yesterday’s News of the World that Jermain put her away while Danielle Lloyd was having a breast augmentation earlier this year. The couple share a fairytale romance story: they met at a fetish party, he started sending her texts that would make Jim Davidson blush and before she knew it,

It’s all betrayal and fake tans in the world of Waggery

When beset by heartache, it is often best to confide in someone. In reaction to her separation with three-timing serial WAG boffer Jermain Defoe, Danielle Lloyd has done exactly that, by sharing her pain with the readers of The Daily Star:

‘It was my decision to finish it and I am happy to be single again. After the story broke, I just couldn’t trust him. I empathise with Cheryl. It is horrible when you are in love with someone and you find out they have betrayed you.’

By rutting other ladies without a care in the world, Defoe hardly gave you much choice in finishing the relationship, Dani. And yes it is horrible to be betrayed by your lover - just ask Charlotte Meares, the WAG he betrayed to go out with you!

The gal we all hate to love loses her WAG status because she was getting ‘too serious’

When Jermain Defoe’s uncontrollable libido pointed in the direction of renowned former-racist Danielle Lloyd, it looked like a match made in heaven: two people who can’t stay out of nightclubs and who love a good casual steamrolling sesh. However, Miss Lloyd became ‘too serious’ for Jermain, and found herself struck off the WAG list once again. In their tiny world of vague emotional attachments and misused sentiments, getting ‘too serious’ didn’t refer to talks of engagement or moving in together, but rather that Dani wanted one of those useless little dogs that Paris ‘waste of blood and organs’ Hilton carries about in her handbag.