Jermaine Jenas gets the Pimp Juice flowing at nuptial celebration

Thanks to his pre-pubescent appearance, The Spoiler was under the impression that Jermaine Jenas was only eleven or twelve years old. It turns out he’s actually been doing it with girls for ages (sexy evidence here and here) and he will soon be getting married.

In order to celebrate his imminent union with ladyfriend Ellie Penfold, the Tottenham midfielder organised a grotesque celebration befitting of a young man who brings home more than £50,000 each week. Teammates including Peter Crouch and Robbie Keane attended the glitzy do and busted out some karaoke, but the highlight was a special appearance from Nelly. The superstar American rapper serenaded the couple, probably using the same irritating melody that he sings on every single one of his songs.

Nelly’s feelings may have been a little hurt when Jenas fiancée admitted a desire to be entertained by a frequent and habitual drug user on her big day:

“I’d like all my family and friends to be there in a big country house. Oh and I’d like Amy Winehouse to sing.”

To see pictures of the engagement do, click here.

Also appearing on a computer near you…

Kaka, Henry and, er, Joe Cole will be joining Steve Nash in New York for this year’s Showdown in Chinatown. You can win an all-expenses paid trip to see them by entering this competition.

David Beckham invites you to the pants party
[Kickette]

Ronaldo could make his Real Madrid debut in Dublin
[Daily Mail]

Abbey Clancy attends an awards ceremony or something
[Epic Carnival]

With £80m in his pocket, Sir Alex has drawn up a shopping list
[The Guardian]

Aston Villa have their eye on Jermaine Jenas
[The Mirror]

The very latest scurrilous deadline day rumours…

Three hours to go in the transfer window and no ridiculous Manchester City rumours? Come one Garry Cook, pull your finger out!

Tottenham have been linked to Marco Materazzi and Adriano in the last few weeks, but Sky Sports News say the north Londoners are about to swap Jermaine Jenas for Inter’s Portuguese winger Ricardo Quaresma. Harry’s least favourite person with the name David Bentley may also be on his way to Italy.

Unhappy Charles Insomnia is currently having a medical at Wigan, and will escape from Kinnear’s clutches later today.

As part of the Tottenham-Portsmouth exchange network, Spurs have accepted a bid from the south coast team for Giovani Dos Santos.

It’s no secret that Jo has been a bit rubbish at Manchester City, but he will get another chance to sign at Everton, where he will be on loan for the remainder of the season.

Blackburn wanted £25m for Roque Santa Cruz but Manchester City only bid £20m. Blackburn insists their star player will not move today.

The latest gossip, rumours and damned lies

After enjoying Mr Bellamy’s latest rage, why not check out the latest goings-on in Transferland…

Craig Bellamy to Manchester City
Sky Sports are reporting that West Ham have agreed a fee of £14 million to sell Craig Bellamy to Manchester City after making it clear that they wouldn’t do business with Tottenham.The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: West Ham fans will be disappointed their record signing has decided to leave after just twenty league starts but they are receiving an amazing price for the 29-year-old.

Wilson Palacios to Tottenham
Reports claim Manchester City and Tottenham have agreed a compromise whereby City will end their interest in Palacios if Spurs leave them unopposed to sign Bellamy. A potential stumbling block is Spurs Daniel Levy’s attempts to pay the £14 million fee in lengthy installments, with Steve Bruce saying “Mr Levy wants it over something like 55 years.”

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Levy’s determination to pay part of the Bellamy fee

The latest gossip, rumours and damned lies

It’s just a couple of days until the Premier League’s elite start waggling their chequebooks, and Arsene Wenger has vowed to defy the economic downturn with some big spending. His top target appears to be a Russian with the face of a baby, while Juande Ramos is rumoured to be interested in bringing a Tottenham midfielder out to Spain…

Andrei Arshavin to Arsenal
The Zenit star’s agent has been adding to the speculation that Professor Wenger will break Arsenal spending conventions for a Fabregas replacement in January. He told the Daily Star: “We know that Arsene Wenger likes the look of Arshavin. But I like the look of Angelina Jolie and it doesn’t always mean you get what you want.”

Spoiler truth-o-meter: Arshavin has made his position at Zenit untenable, but all this hype about a move to London could just be a cynical method of raising his transfer fee. Perhaps Spain and Italy beckon for the Euro 2008 sensation.

Jermaine Jenas to Real Madrid
Seemingly on a mission to be linked to every middling-to-average player in the Premiership (see yesterday’s speculation over Jermaine Pennant and Luis Valencia), the La Liga champions are said to “have an interest” in midtable obscurity the Tottenham midfielder.

Spoiler truth-o-meter: Shifting the Spurs vice captain would free up some cash to bring

The men who have shouldered the blame this season

On matchday, Premier League football fans need three things to sustain their interest in the beautiful game: an overpriced ticket for a flimsy plastic seat, a weak pint (to be consumed away from the playing surface, Mr Ashley) and a good scapegoat on which to blame the entire team’s shortcomings.

Here’s the top ten players and managers who have been made to bear the brunt of their club’s collective sins in 2008/09 thus far…

Nicklas Bendtner (Arsenal)
The Spoiler’s Arsenal correspondent claims that Bendtner has overtaken Emmanuel Eboue in the Emirates scapegoat stakes, being vilified to such an extent on Saturday that Emmanuel Adebayor received a hero’s reception when he was brought off the bench to offer some firepower.

Jermaine Jenas (Tottenham)
Heurelho Gomes has put in a sturdy challenge in recent weeks but he still has a fair way to go before toppling Jenas, who has been the main subject of clenched fists and growling at White Hart Lane for a few years now.

Florent Malouda (Chelsea)
Apparently being the midfielder who has provided the most assists in the Premier League this season isn’t enough to save you from abuse when you occasionally misplace a pass or have the audacity to have a shot saved.

Luis Boa Morte (West Ham)
Holds the dubious honour of being one of the only players in the world

But the Spaniard fails to convince The Spoiler

David Bentley was axed from Tottenham’s 18-man squad for the 2-0 UEFA Cup loss to Udinese but Juande Ramos denied dropping the winger because he had labelled the club’s season “shocking” and “a bit shit”. Ramos said:

“I just had to choose 18 players from out of 20. I don’t know about his comments.”

The main reason The Spoiler refuses to believe this is because Ramos had included Bentley in his eighteen for every previous game this season and while he was poor against Stoke, he wasn’t much worse than the other midfielders on show that day like Luka Modric and Jermaine Jenas, both of whom made the Udinese squad.

And surely being excluded was a big enough blow to Bentley’s sizable ego without Ramos compounding it by declaring to the media that he considered him one of the two worst players available to him?

How to stop your team from scoring goals

Rival fans may have laughed at the fact that Tottenham finished eleventh last season after talking up their top-four credentials but one area where you couldn’t fault them was their knack of scoring goals. Their 66-goal haul was the fifth best in the league last season and even better than Chelsea’s. But Juande Ramos and Gus Poyet clearly weren’t happy with this free-scoring nature and set about enforcing a five-point plan to change things:

1. Get rid of Jermain Defoe
Juande logic: He might have scored 64 goals for the club from starting 110 games, but who needs Jermain Defoe when you’ve got Robbie Keane and Dimitar Berbatov? By selling him to another club with European aspirations, Portsmouth, there’s no way it’ll come back and bite us. If anything, he’ll help drag them down to our level.
The reality: Defoe has scored thirteen goals in eighteen league starts for his new club and scored against Tottenham this weekend.

2. You don’t win anything with left-wingers
Juande logic: We may already have Jamie O’Hara, Didier Zokora, Tom Huddlestone, Jermaine Jenas and Aaron Lennon here already but what we really need is more midfielders who prefer playing in the centre or on the right. Bring in Luka Modric, David Bentley and Giovani dos Santos, it’ll be fun trying to figure out where to play them all. Who cares if Bentley got into the England squad for his performances on the right, let’s sling him on the left or behind the strikers. Luka Modric is known as the exciting, attacking impetus of the Croatia team but there’s no harm playing him as a holding player. Maybe I could throw him on the left too!
The reality: Spurs ended up starting Gilberto, who hasn’t looked too convincing in his preferred position of left-back, as an attacking left-winger against Portsmouth.

3. Sell one of the best strike forces in the Premier League
Juande logic: Robbie and Dimitar scored 46 goals between them last season for our bottom-half side, and the fans voted Robbie as player of the season but that doesn’t mean we wouldn’t be able to cope without them. They both say they want