No footballer is safe from the Essex model’s “charms”

Those who likes their WAGs with ridiculous breast implants, dozens of incongruous tattoos and absolutely no concept of shame are in luck today.

Jodie Marsh first entered the national consciousness by documenting her quest to become a topless model in reality TV show Essex Wives. She then decided to go outside wearing nothing but an array of belts, and has been entertaining us with her dry witticisms and highly lauded TV appearances (Totally Jodie Marsh: Who’ll Take Her Up the Aisle?, It’s Me or the Dog) ever since.

In 2004, Jodie claimed she had a steamy liaison with Frank Lampard, but her bona fide ticket into the world of WAGdom comes from Marcus Palmer, the Solihull Moors (Conference North) striker who put up with her for a few months last year.

Yes, it was as you’d imagine, pretty much…

For those of you not popular enough to receive an invite to Defoe’s birthday party at the weekend, it was absolutely amazing. Of course, The Spoiler would have gone, but X Factor was on telly.

All the usual faces piled down to Maya nightclub in London - Crouch and Clancy, Sol Campbell (sucking on a lolly, like Kojak), SWP. By all accounts a great time was had by all, particularly Jodie Marsh who obeyed the club’s mantra of being “cool, sleek and chic” by simulating streetside sexual intercourse (above).

Many happy returns, Jermain.

More pictures after the jump.

Then hire one of his many outstanding professional impersonators

I don’t know about you, but whenever I hold a social function they are always notable by the absence of shoddy celebrity lookalikes. I’m holding a small gathering next weekend, and I really need someone to spit at me, piss in a cup, park in a disabled bay and then shout drunken profanities at the rest of the guests until they collapse in tears, their spirits completely broken. The real John Terry has a prior engagement some football game or other, but fortunately fakefaces.co.uk have come through with three different JT lookalikes. I swear that I couldn’t pick the real Chelsea star out of a lineup with these masters of deception.

If you fancy buying some drugs on a night out, head to Essex!

The highest concentration of WAG and footballer activity can be found in the overpriced clubs of Soho. But for a more relaxed (cheaper) evening, many head towards the provinces, and in particular Faces Nightclub in Gants Hill.

Where: On the Cranbrook road in Gants Hill, a stone’s throw from the Tube station. If lost, one of the local drug dealers will happily point you in the right direction.

How much: Entry is a modest ten pounds, but you can