Yes, it was as you’d imagine, pretty much…

For those of you not popular enough to receive an invite to Defoe’s birthday party at the weekend, it was absolutely amazing. Of course, The Spoiler would have gone, but X Factor was on telly.

All the usual faces piled down to Maya nightclub in London - Crouch and Clancy, Sol Campbell (sucking on a lolly, like Kojak), SWP. By all accounts a great time was had by all, particularly Jodie Marsh who obeyed the club’s mantra of being “cool, sleek and chic” by simulating streetside sexual intercourse (above).

Many happy returns, Jermain.

More pictures after the jump.

Then hire one of his many outstanding professional impersonators

I don’t know about you, but whenever I hold a social function they are always notable by the absence of shoddy celebrity lookalikes. I’m holding a small gathering next weekend, and I really need someone to spit at me, piss in a cup, park in a disabled bay and then shout drunken profanities at the rest of the guests until they collapse in tears, their spirits completely broken. The real John Terry has a prior engagement some football game or other, but fortunately fakefaces.co.uk have come through with three different JT lookalikes. I swear that I couldn’t pick the real Chelsea star out of a lineup with these masters of deception.

If you fancy buying some drugs on a night out, head to Essex!

The highest concentration of WAG and footballer activity can be found in the overpriced clubs of Soho. But for a more relaxed (cheaper) evening, many head towards the provinces, and in particular Faces Nightclub in Gants Hill.

Where: On the Cranbrook road in Gants Hill, a stone’s throw from the Tube station. If lost, one of the local drug dealers will happily point you in the right direction.

How much: Entry is a modest ten pounds, but you can