Yeah, those contract negotiations didn’t quite go to plan…

Were you to study the narrative structure of a typical soap opera, you’d find that the trend seems to be pretty consistent. A character starts out happy/stable, then everything goes wrong for a bit, before eventually they become happy/stable again. Or dead. If you want a writing job on Eastenders, simply repeat this format for as many years as you can stomach.

In soap opera terms, Joe Cole is currently caught up in the middle bit - where Dirty Den has just asked for a divorce, or Toadfish has been stabbed in the spine by Mrs Mangel. His World Cup hopes are all but dashed, and the word from today’s Daily Star is that he’s recently been offered an appalling contract to stay on at Chelsea. One which he’s going to refuse.

Try your hand at being Capello…

Now that the season is entering its final stages, very soon a giant magnifying glass will turn onto the players who may or may not make the England squad for South Africa.

For some, it’s a race against time - with physical and emotional injuries to repair - whilst others will be battling to hit top form between now and the campaign’s end. It’s all to play for, so now is s good a time as any to start with the predictions.

Also appearing on a computer near you

Well, it’s nearly Friday night - time for a nice vodka!

Maradona gets up to some tomfoolery

[Dirty Tackle]

Joe Cole under the microscope

[Daily Mail]

Kaka v Ronaldo - style fight!

[Kickette]

Tevez gets the cartoon treatment

[Studs Up]

Beautiful World Cup moustaches

[Pies]

Great World Cup upset remembered

[Caught Offside]

Bad news for Peter Crouch

[Off The Post]

Cole - out in the cold

Should England actually win the World Cup, on current form, it’ll be a bloody miracle. No one’s sure who should go in goal, over half of the defensive line have personal issues, the right wing’s a mess, Rooney still doesn’t have a definite strike partner. And Joe Cole - once so consistent - seems to have plummeted from sight.

Probably not the best time to start negotiating contracts, Joe.

And yet, that’s exactly what the one-time England cert is doing. In almost an exact mirror image of what’s going on with Wright-Phillips over at Man City, Joe Cole has taken a hard line at Chelsea, and is now DEMANDING in excess of £100,000/week to stay on board. He’s currently languishing in the £80,000/week bracket.

Joe Cole - football’s Jodie Foster

In “child stars becoming successful adult stars” terms, if Wayne Rooney is his namesake Mickey, then Joe Cole could possibly be viewed as football’s Jodie Foster. He started promisingly, has occasionally been dazzling, then sometimes goes missing for months at a time.

He was particularly good as the rape victim in The Accused. Metaphorically speaking.

Anyway, as with Jodie Foster, another star turn is forever anticipated, and the word coming from today’s Express is that Cole may yet switch allegiance to Man United in a bid for Oscar glory (again, a clever metaphor).

“We shall be reunited in Heaven… or at Spurs”

It’s probably unwise, as a footballer, to spend months screaming on a treatment table, only to casually demand more money the minute you get your breath back.

Which probably goes some way in explaining why Chelsea seem rather reluctant to meet Joe Cole’s request for a 50 per cent pay rise, being that he’s barely played for the last nine months. To put things in perspective - women have been impregnated using the old fashioned “leave it in” method of reproduction, tearfully kicked their crippling smoking habits, and squeezed out babies in that time. He’s done nothing.

Grab a pen, Fabio!

At some point between now and next summer, everyone from young toddlers to muttering old grandmas will be doodling their ideal England team for the World Cup on napkins in cocktail bars all around the country.

Hence, The Spoiler thought it wise to get in there first, before disappearing under the inevitable tidal wave of football compilations.

The above team is very much an “ideal world” scenario, with particularly large question marks looming above the heads of Owen Hargreaves and Aaron Lennon.

In the case of the former, inclusion depends on him reaching peak form and fitness in time. Whilst the latter has more to do with whether Theo Walcott or Shaun Wright-Phillips suddenly come good in the next few months. At the moment, the spot is Aaron’s to lose.

With two holding players sitting in front of the defence, the full backs would be free to gallop up the wings, and Gerrard could float around in the middle, occasionally playing as a second striker. Of course, it would mean dropping poor old Lampsie to the bench, and it would leave Rooney partnerless up front.

BUT, it would also win England the World Cup. Seriously.

If you agree with The Spoiler, feel free to leave a kind and wonderful comment.

If you don’t agree, feel free to pile in with all guns blazing… and some suggestions of your own, naturally.

Lampsie, JT and co are told not to make time for the fans

It’s the sort of thing that usually happens before the start of the season, but yesterday 8,000 Chelsea fans gathered at Stamford Bridge for an open day training session.

Such events are usually conducive to a positive and relaxed atmosphere, where lucky fans can get pictures and autographs with their heroes, who are not distracted by the pressure of a big matchday.

Not so at Chelsea. Supporters who made the effort yesterday were told over the tannoy system that the players would not sign anything, citing “safety concerns”. The club’s decision to protect their players from RSI and carpal tunnel syndrome was not well receieved:

After a 90-minute practice session