Eddie Cochrane/Carly Zucker

Carly Zucker doesn’t just want to be seen as Joe Cole’s slimline resting place, you know - this girl takes her fashion very seriously. So much so that she can now be found sporting a retrospective Eddie Cochrane cut which weighs roughly the same as a bag of flour, and takes four hours to assemble in the morning. It’s a strong look.

Did she take her cue from Joey Barton’s “Orbison“?

For another take on things, head over to Kickette.

The whisper from today’s knitting circles…

Peter Kenyon triumphantly told everyone that Robinho would arrive within 48 hours on Wednesday and Frank Lampard told the press that the Brazilian was “fantastic”, but then a couple of Real Madrid targets - Valencia’s David Villa and Villarreal’s Santi Cozorla – decided to stay put, so now it looks like the light-footed winger will be zooming down the wings in sunny Spain after all. Joe Cole - permission to stop sweating.

Henrik Larsson to Tottenham
Andrei Arshavin has conceded there is little chance of him moving to Spurs this summer, which leaves the North London club searching through the thousandth page of their striker shortlist. Henrik Larsson is today’s target, but Everton are also interested.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: He’s 37 next month, but Spurs can’t afford to be too picky right now.

The whispers from the grapevine…

While Joe Cole sits silently in his mansion, lonely tears spattering newspaper reports insisting that Robinho is on his way over to spoil his Chelsea party, everyone else is having a great time! Here’s today’s transfer news…

Jonathan de Guzman to Arsenal
A lot of Arsenal fans are worried that, Cesc Fabregas aside, their midfield would be better served by a clan of sopping wet flannels and a sponge. So what better way to calm their addled minds than by signing Canadian-born Dutchman de Guzman, who sounds a bit like the podgy Hollywood tough guy Luis Guzman? Nice move, Wengertron.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Arsenal fans won’t hold their breath.

Mido staying put
After cutting out the carbs and only surviving on *egg yokes, spinach leaves and tofurkey (like tofu, but turkey), Mido looks great, and has scored in his first three games this season. Hence, the bruisers at Wigan are keen to have him bring a little sparkle to their dressing room, but Gareth Southgate has told him he’s going nowhere. Not yet.

Old Italian gent has failed to live up to his fanfare thus far

Last December, we all thought that England had hired a winner. The mood across the nation stood in stark contrast to the underwhelmed vibe that followed the appointment of a man who guided Middlesbrough to 14th in his final Premier League season. In Fabio Capello, England were getting a manager who had won titles in his last three seasons - two of which have since been revoked - and who had been a champion at every club he had managed. Not only that but he was a disciplinarian too. Someone who would do what was best for the team rather than catering for his stars.

Everything was going to plan at first. Capello was taking the job so seriously that he left David Beckham out of the squad for a friendly against Switzerland, a nothing game where Goldenballs was supposed to win his 100th cap, because he wasn’t fit enough. He dropped Michael Owen from the starting line-up and played previous outcast Matthew Upson in defence.

But gradually warning signs became apparent. Despite having already given David James

Today’s gossip, rumours and damned lies

Whereas bit-part players like Wayne Bridge are being made to feel like superstars, Chelsea fans’ Player of the Year Joe Cole apparently doesn’t know where he stands with Luiz Felipe Scolari. Liverpool desperately need wingers and are thought to have expressed interest, although a transfer would appear highly unlikely, at least until that whole Gareth Barry kerfuffle is sorted out.

Stephen Warnock to Newcastle
Titus Bramble and Stephen Carr prove that Newcastle’s purchases of British defenders haven’t been too hot recently, but a move for Warnock could change all that. Warnock shone at Blackburn last season and received his first England cap this summer.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Ince would rather avoid selling a regular this close to the season starting

Stephen Appiah to Portsmouth
Harry Redknapp looks likely to beat former club West Ham to the signature of the headline makers dream. Look out over the next few days for the tabloid headline: “Pompey couldn’t be Appiah about new signing”.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Strong

This morning’s rumours, gossip and damned lies

In a crushing blow for fans of overweight Brazilians, it is being reported on the AC Milan website that a deal has been agreed to bring Ronaldinho to the San Siro this coming season. Just to rub it in, it’s thought that Milan aren’t even offering Barca as much cash, and Ronny’s agent brother claimed he had negotiated a £25m deal with Citeh just yesterday. Still, it could all be a blessing in disguise - the podgy one, pictured above with AC Milan bigwig Adriano Galliani, would have undoubtedly capsized the trawler on the way to the Faroe Islands tomorrow…

Valon Behrami to West Ham
The right-back known as the “Swiss David Beckham” has invoked another weird contract clause that will allow West Ham to sign him for £1.5 million rather than the £11 million Lazio have demanded. It casts doubts over the future of captain Lucas Neill, who may ruin the party for City fans happy they avoided Ronaldinho.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: If the Daily Mail are actually printing something positive about West Ham, it must be true

Anton Ferdinand rejects Newcastle
Newcastle’s madcap scheme of basing their transfer recruiters in London hasn’t helped them bring in any defenders this summer. First, Richard Dunne decided he’d rather win his thousandth player of the season award at Man City and now Soulja Boy Ferdinand has decided that not even the Newcastle nightlife is enough to make playing with Joey Barton sound tempting.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: West Ham seem happy to lose Anton but he doesn’t want to go

Tal Ben-Haim to Man City
Slimeball Peter Kenyon is still laughing after flogging flop Steve Sidwell for £5 million

Joe Cole glad he ignored Al Gore when choosing motor

Big Phil Scolari officially started work at Chelsea’s Cobham training ground yesterday, and he almost did so a man down. On the way to training, Joe Cole’s Range Rover became rather too well acquainted with a 40-ton lorry:

“[Cole] dashed to the aid of another driver trapped in his Vauxhall Signum.

“The Chelsea winger’s £50,000 4×4 took the full impact of the Scania lorry - and careered into the Vauxhall.

“Driver John Jury was knocked unconscious - and came to with Cole banging on his window.”

The dent in the plush Chelsea tractor doesn’t look particularly life threatening, but the other driver claims Cole would not have survived if he had been driving a sports car, or one of those hybrid efforts that obnoxious people drive to let people know they are better than everyone else. Absolutely no one who lives in or around London needs a 4×4, yet it seems the winger and his bride-to-be Carly Zucker have done the right thing in completely disregarding their carbon footprint.

Spoiler bonus: it looks like someone has been playing tricks with Joe Cole’s Wikipedia entry…

[click image to enlarge]

Part one of The Spoiler’s in-depth WAG holiday analysis

Without the need to attend a European Championships, it’s only natural that the nation’s premier supporting ladies have escaped the thoroughly unpredictable English weather for sunnier climes.

Pictured above is Steven Gerrard using a common Liverpudlian communication technique to attract the attention of his lovely wife Alex Curran while relaxing in Miami. See more pictures of Mrs Gerrard here.

Over in Italy, former Miss Ireland Claudine Palmer is enjoying her honeymoon with brand new hubby Robbie Keane. He’s in the photo waving at the camera, but the wee lad only comes up to her shin. See more of Claudine here.

More WAG holiday madness after the jump…

All the players rated according to their unpopularity

What a Champions League final. Two delighted sets of fans, then the rest of Europe all scratching their heads trying to figure out which of the teams they want to win less. The Spoiler has taken a long look at all of the players who should be involved, and marked them out of ten, using a state-of-the-art Hate-o-meter. Results follow…

Crafty British broadsheet identifies the vandal in the Chelsea line up who ruined all their dreams

The young men at the Guardian’s daily football email The Fiver, though over-educated and known to get through eight pints of sarcasm of an evening, have put their weakness for detective drama to good use for once. They have cleverly deconstructed Chelsea’s season and in a piece of deduction worthy of the great Christie - that’s the crone Agatha, not the seventies pop group responsible for Yellow River - to reveal the malign spirit putrefying the core of CFC. If you wish the identity of the villain to be revealed, read on.

(If you wish to subscribe to The Fiver, or read today’s The Fiver in its entirety go here.)

“As Avram Grant drags his surly also-rans up to Goodison Park for tonight’s tryst with Everton - a match that’s been rendered as meaningless as zgfhzxkagkatyg by Chelsea’s flower show against Wigan on Monday - there’s one key question the Fiver feels compelled to answer: who is Chelsea’s weakest link? Before considering the evidence, we can, of course, rule out two unlikely