Footballer refuses to end holiday and aid criminal proceedings
Portsmouth defender Sylvain Distin will be hauled before a judge for contempt of court as he refused to give evidence in Joey Barton’s recent trial. The stand against the court order didn’t represent a show of solidarity for his former team mate or a moral objection to the British judicial system - the Frenchman had much more pressing matters to attend to:
“You can lock me up for ten years, I’m not coming back off my holiday.”
Warning: contains strong images of a complete muppet
One of Joey ‘waste of blood and organs’ Barton’s victims in the video abovewas just sixteen, and was left with broken teeth. The Sun have today made the unsubstantiated claim that Newcastle have terminated his contract, and if the clubs in this country have any sense, they’ll make sure he isn’t employed as a professional footballer again.
Unfortunately for society, the unthinkably stupid and dangerous man is going to be back on the streets in a matter of days.
Ahh, the race was on, and Barton won it. Every year, as soon as the Premier League season finishes, the players dash home, throw all of their stuff into a bag and zoom off to unwind somewhere lovely - the big question is who will get away first? And where the hell will they go?
Often they’ll head off to a dreamy beach hut or a luxury villa. But in the case of Newcastle United enforcer, Joey Barton, he’s chosen to spend his summer languishing behind bars wondering if it was really worth punching that teenager in the face outside McDonalds back in December. Chances are it wasn’t.
As if Keegan didn’t have enough to worry about, his shower of a squad are robbing Newcastle blind
Just to add to Newcastle fans’ sense of indignation at the ritual suicide their team seems intent on committing, figures published today show that they are subsidising their “players” to the tune of an eye-watering £62.5 million annually.
That wage bill was an increase of 10% on 2006, due to the signing of Damien Duff, Obafemi Martins, Joey Barton and David Rozenhal. The figures, which appear in today’s Newcastle Chronicle (for full story, click here) paint a picture of an off-field performance that nicely parallels the current on-field fiasco.
The Prem stars most likely to devalue your property
Living next door to a footballer, you’d undoubtedly have the luxury of living in a huge pre-fab mansion in a sleepy gated community. But sharing a living space with the Premier League’s finest could make your free time miserable.
One of my flatmates at university, for example, lived next door to Beckhingham Palace in Bishops Stortford, Herts. The huge gardens meant his house was probably several miles from the Beckhams’ lavish pile, but he constantly complained of the paparazzi blocking his driveway, ruining his view, stepping on his peacocks etc.
There are plenty of Premiership stars who would make worse neighbours than the Beckhams - so get voting on your neighbour from hell, or suggest another in the comments section.
King Kev’s palms are sweating a little more than usual, but he needn’t worry: according to Sam Allardyce, Newcastle aren’t a particularly big club and they haven’t realised their own ambitions. Oh, and the dismal form and potential relegation battle they face has nothing to do with him:
“I think you can accept it a lot more if you can come to terms with the fact that a good percentage of it was your fault - but that doesn’t apply to me at Newcastle.
“The usual rubbish that goes when someone like me is sacked from a club like Newcastle is that that job was too big for me. That’s just not true.
“If I’m honest the reverse is probably true. Newcastle probably wasn’t big enough for me - it didn’t live up to my ambitions in the short time that I was there.
Midfielder devises cunning plan to waste more of Newcastle’s money
Joey Barton’s post-Christmas ‘leave of absence’ has cost his club over £200k in wages, and now he has found another way of depriving his club of liquidity.
Barton was given bail on the condition that he remain under the supervision of the Sporting Chance clinic in Hampshire, and to curb his behavioural problems, he must observe a curfew between
He obviously wasn’t invited to the Manchester United Christmas party
In an audience with Giancarlo Abete, head of the Italian Football League, and a delegation of Serie D clubs (that’s Italian for Blue Square conference north), Pope Benedict XVI claimed that football can teach young people important lessons in life.
Sir Alex Ferguson’s counterpart in the Catholic church claimed that
Joey Barton’s special Christmas breakfast is breaking the Newcastle bank
According to his therapist at the Sporting Chance clinic in Hampshire, Joey Barton will not be playing in ‘the near future’.
The therapist, the brilliantly-named Peter Kay, says Joey will remain with him ’24 hours a day’ until his next court appearance on January 16. While Mr Kay will undergo irreparable emotional and physical damage during
