Mrs Harry Kewell could be off to Italy

After his release from Liverpool, word on the rumour vine is that Socceroo Harry Kewell could be joining forgetful Norwegian John Arne Riise at Roma. Unfortunately, this tiny island would become one fine WAG lighter, as his wife Sheree Murphy (and their three children) would also head off to the land of pasta, corruption and inexplicably good looking people.

Sweet Baby Joseph, it is HOT outside. It’s all ice lollies, hand held electronic fans and bikinis in this office. But don’t be fooled, we’re not just keeping ourselves cool, there’s also work to be done. Today’s transfers read like this:

Peter Crouch to Portsmouth
So long are Crouch’s spindly spiders legs that he’s somehow managed to score thirteen goals this season - all from his seat in the dugout. Just imagine how he’d get on if he was actually playing. Word is, Portsmouth have been doing exactly that.

Michael Kightley to West Ham
Despite the fact that Alan Curbishley headed straight into hiding after getting humiliated by Man United, the gossips at the Mirror have been heard going on and on about how he wants the Wolves winger, and by Jimmy he’s going to get him.

Oh look, it’s almost the end of the season, and that’s when everyone starts applauding each other and shouting “good game, good game”, full of the joys of spring. Well, not over here at The Spoiler. Oh no. We’re still livid with some of the Premier League’s so-called “players”. This XI, for example, should be ashamed of themselves.

GK Petr Cech (Chelsea)
Such is the increasing nature of his facial injuries that most people expect Cech to play next season wearing a gimp mask. That aside, he’s spent most of 2007/08 busily sabotaging his reputation as the world’s best goalkeeper by setting up goals for Jonathan Woodgate in the Carling Cup final, and Ryan Babel in the Champions League.

DL John Arne Riise (Liverpool)
There was a time when Riise was synonymous with blistering shots bursting through the net and into someone’s face in the crowd, but this season he’s been more of an own goal specialist, with a stonker against Luton, and a bitch of a bouncer in the Champions League.

DC William Gallas (Arsenal)
Arsenal captains are strong proud men like Tony Adams and Patrick Viera, not whimpering cretins who flump off the pitch in tears or stage sit in protests for no reason whatsoever. A manchild.

DC Kolo Toure (Arsenal)
Toure was doing a fantastic job until he sloped off to Africa in January and lost all of his confidence. He then returned to Arsenal and started gifting people goals willy-nilly.

The consequences of Riise’s horrendous own goal on Tuesday have rippled through Liverpool, to the point where gutsy young graffiti artists who should be impersonating Banksy with their street art have taken to scrawling angry slogans on the walls of Liverpool’s Melwood training ground instead.

Ahh, Saint George’s Day - the one day of the year when you can go into the office with your tatts out and blood on your knuckles and no one even bats an eyelid. Because if they do, that’s fighting talk, their eyelid is taking the mick, thinking it’s better than you. Stupid eyelid, coming over here in it’s boat, sneaking past customs, taking our women…

Makes you proud to be English.

The Saint George’s transfer talk reads a little something like this:

Steve Sidwell to Aston Villa
Aston Villa goes to bed every single night and dreams of becoming a Top Four/Five club - and word has it that to make such a transition you need to sell your best player to Liverpool, and bring in Chelsea’s… wait for it… STEEEEEEVE Siiiiiiidwelllllll - hang on, that can’t be right…

Samuel Eto’o to Tottenham
Eto’o said, verbatum: “If next year we continue the same without winning titles here, I will have to go to another place because what I want is to win.” Spurs bloggers heard: “I very much adore Juande Ramos and would love to come to Tottenham Hotspur to defend the Carling Cup.” Unlikely, surely?

Sky Sports pundit fails to retain composure on live television

Mad props to the crazy kids at Pies for spotting Thommo’s reaction to Riise’s late own goal last night. Obviously unaware that he was partaking in a live broadcast, the ex-Liverpool defender was in his default ‘down the boozer’ mode, and started shouting like he had just sunk a fiver playing Hangman on the quiz machine.

If this is the level of professionalism tolerated at Sky, Ian Wright should get his CV down there pronto.

Champions League semi comes down to bad fortune and a worse haircut

Does the WAG hold the key to the pilfering mystery?

Jack The Ripper, the Zodiac murders, the sandwich that was stolen from the Spoiler’s fridge last week – all unsolved crimes that have dominated the agendas of law enforcement officers the world over.

The latest mystery to plague their thoughts is the Liverpool burglaries – last night Stevie G became the sixth player in eighteen months to have his home ransacked while he was out of the country. His WAG Alex Curran was