With a new Bond movie in cinemas, The Spoiler imagines which football personalities could double as the bad guy opposite 007

Jose Mourinho as Scaramanga (The Man With the Golden Gun)
Suave, vain, deluded… why, Jose is perfect to play the island-dwelling assassin with three nipples.

More villains below:

And not just because the fans need to find someone else to boo

John Terry and Ashley Cole are both returning to Chelsea after being ruled out of Wednesday’s game in Belarus and while Cole may have made a dreadful mistake against Kazakhstan, his hamstring injury is bad news for England.

England have won each of the last seven competitive games that Cole has started. In the last two qualifiers he missed, first Joleon Lescott covered for him away to Russia and England were beaten 2-1 and then Wayne Bridge tried to fill the void against Croatia at Wembley when England fell to a disastrous 3-2 defeat.

Considering those two players are Fabio Capello’s only alternatives in Minsk on Wednesday, it’s a shame Lampard and Gerrard still don’t have a clue how to play together because Gareth Barry filling in at left-back might be the only way to break this curse and avoid disaster.

Who’s going to keep Ferds company at the back?

Don’t pity JT, he’ll be fine. Lampsie will take him grapes and talk him through the match afterwards, but until then, there is the small problem of who can replace him at the back. Rio will make for a good skipper, should he put his “merking” to one side for a couple of hours, but who should partner him? Club mate Brown? Wotsisface from West Ham? Or Lescott?

If The Spoiler were in charge, Carragher would be snorting, hacking and spluttering down the phone by now - don’t worry, that’s just the way he says “yes” to coming out of international retirement.

The players who form the backbone of the top flight

On Wednesday, we brought you the Pepe Reina-free Big Four XI, and today it’s time to look at the best of the rest. The likes of Jo and Luka Modric have been excluded as we’ve yet to see how they adapt to Premier League football. Plus, there’s no Dimitar Berbatov because we’re assuming he’s off to Old Trafford, or maybe the Nou Camp.

Shay Given (Newcastle)
Why Given over James, Friedel and Howard, you ask? Well, the other three can always rely on their defence for support which is a luxury that the Newcastle goalkeeper has never been blessed with. The Irishman is the only man this century to twice wear the number one jersey in the PFA’s Team of the Year.

Gareth Bale (Tottenham)
The young left-back was one of Spurs’ only solid performers at the start of the last campaign before an injury in December ruled him out for the rest of the season. The Welshman also boasted an impressive scoring record with three goals in nine domestic starts.

Richard Dunne (Manchester City)
Despite his error last night, the Irishman is one of the best defenders