Spain’s first cloned pig named after Real Madrid star

This week, scientists at the University of Murcia produced Spain’s first ever litter of cloned pigs, using the same nuclear transfer technique that brought Dolly the sheep into the world.

Feeling that it would be a little passé to use the names of country western singer with large mammary glands, one of the surviving piglets has been named Kaka.

[El Mundo Deportivo]

The 2009 window deals that were absolutely inevitable

As the transfer window creaks shut for once more, Spoiler correspondent Andrew Brook has compiled a team of players who were always destined to change clubs this summer. And look, he’s done it in a 3-5-2 formation! How fun!

GK - Joe Hart
(Manchester City to Birmingham)
As soon as Manchester City signed Shay Given in January, Hart was destined to leave. Every season a promoted team seems to get a new goalkeeper (Scott Carson to West Brom in 2008, Craig Gordon to Sunderland in 2007) so this was an obvious match.

DF - Joleon Lescott
(Everton to Manchester City)
One of this season’s most painfully long sagas saw David Moyes over take Sir Alex Ferguson as the Premier League’s dourest Scot, and thus by extension its dourest person. Just be thankful that this inevitable deal didn’t drag on all the way to deadline day.

DF - Kyle Naughton
(Sheffield United to Tottenham Hotspur)
Even before Sheffield United failed to secure Premier League promotion, everyone knew one of their ranks would be playing in the top flight this season. Harry Redknapp could not remember which of the Blades’ Kyles he wanted, so nabbed Naughton’s teammate Walker as well, but we all knew which one he meant.

Also appearing on a computer near you…

Can you say “irony”, Dwight Yorke?
[Pies]

FHM trains with Blackburn Rovers. Badly.
[FHM]

Best. Haircut. Ever.
[The Offside]

Cesc Fabregas is winning his fight for fitness for the Manchester Utd game
[F365]

UEFA FAIL!
[Dirty Tackle]

Chelsea make a last ditch £57m bid for Franck Ribery
[Daily Mail]

Kaka ain’t afraid of no English teams
[The Telegraph]

Fiorentina rebuff Chelsea’s advances for ‘unsellable’ youngster Stevan Jovetic
[Goal.com]

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The Portuguese star’s new object of affection isn’t a mirror or a lady of the night, but a deeply religious Brazilian gentleman

Unlike Gemma Atkinson, Nereida Gallardo and most of Manchester’s female population, Kaka seems impervious to Cristiano Ronaldo’s patented puppy-dog-come-hither glance.

Some classic C-Ron homoeroticism after the jump…

Los Blancos stars splash out to treat friends and family to the prawn sandwich experience

Spanish paper Sport today report that Kaka and Cristiano Ronaldo have respectively diverted some of their church donation and prostitute purchasing money to buy executive boxes at the Bernabeu.

A luxury box located in one of the stadium’s five ‘Torreones’ (columns located in the third tier) cost a whopping €238,820 for a season, and club legend Raul already owns one of them. They are accessible by private lifts, have their own bars and toilets, and can seat up to twenty people. They would be the perfect way to enjoy a match if they weren’t bloody miles from the pitch.

After flogging his fleet of Manchester-based cars, Sport also report that C-Ron has bagged himself a new ride.

Real Madrid star goes M.I.A. in Estonia

Brazil are all set to face European powerhouse Estonia in a friendly this afternoon, as part of a celebration of a centenary of Estonian football (a centenary in which they have qualified for the square root of nothing). However, concerns spread throughout the capital city of Tallinn yesterday, as Kaka went missing.

The Real Madrid star took a walk through Tallinn’s historic Old Town (a World Heritage Site that dates back to medieval times), but it seems he got a little bit lost and had no idea how to return to the team’s hotel.

Eventually, a police patrol tracked him down and safely returned him to the Radisson hotel. He was easily identifiable, as he was wearing his Brazil training tracksuit.

In how many other countries in the world could someone like Kaka roam the streets anonymously wearing his full training kit?

[AS]

The latest transfer gossip, rumours and damned lies

Michael Turner to Tottenham
As Ledley King, Jonathan Woodgate and Michael Dawson struggle to find full fitness, The Mirror suggest ‘Arry will bring in the Hull centre-back. Apparently, Pascal Chimbonda plus cash would equate to a deal worth around £8m.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: In light of the injury list, Tottenham do need to look beyond Corluka for centre-back cover, and sources suggest Turner could be, er, turned for the right price. The thought of wearing that ugly 80s throwback Hull shirt for an entire season must be playing on his mind too.

Emmanuel Eboue to Fiorentina
Another rumour from the prolific Daily Mirror, who are suggesting the Ivorian will be the latest star to leave the Emirates. Wenger has reportedly given Eboue permission to speak to the Serie A side, who would be expected to pay around £9m.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: Statistically, he is an extremely effective player, however

Caroline Celico to bring Brazilian church denomination to Spain

While Kaka keeps La Liga from becoming a godless enterprise this season, his wife Caroline Celico will try to spread the Holy word through the streets of the Spanish capital by becoming a pastor.

Caroline and Kaka were married by the Renascer em Cristo (Reborn in Christ Church) in 2005, and in the video above, the Real Madrid star’s better half is inducted into the Evangelist denomination by church founder Sônia Hernandes. While embracing her young son Luca Celico Leite, Caroline explains her intention of bringing the Brazilian denomination to Madrid:

“While Dad is scoring goals, we will crush the head of the devil.”

Continuing with this vaguely terrifying tone, she says:

“Adolescents in this world are only about prostitution, smoking drinking and drugs.”