Tomorrow’s headlines today

If, like The Spoiler, you have trouble sleeping at night because you’re far too excited about what might happen in the morning, help has finally arrived. We’ve simply taken tomorrow’s big news, and brought it forward a day. Here’s what would have accompanied your breakfast were you not reading it now…

Robinho demands a pay rise
Should Ronnie Wood’s wife ever forgive him for running off with a Russian teen, she will be making some pretty hefty marriage demands. It’s what women do. Women… and Robinho. Now that the whole torrid affair with Ronaldo is out in the open, Robinho is demanding that Real Madrid give him double his wages, buy him some nice underwear and take him on that dirty weekend they always promised. Else he’s definitely going to do it with Chelsea.

Liverpool left in limbo
Juventus have completed the signing of Sevilla’s Christian Poulsen, prompting president Giovanni Cobolli Gigli to boldly declare that “unless something extraordinary happens, we have concluded our transfer activity.” Words which made Xabi Alonso’s heart miss a beat. Does this mean Rafa will be keeping him after all? And if so, what the hell is Barry going to do?

Lamps will demand Inter move
All the hipper kids - Barry, Ronaldo - don’t bother with transfer requests any more. It’s, like, so Jermain Defoe in 2003.