Former England boss not best-placed to provide half-time analysis
Tuning in to watch Fulham vs Hull City last night, thespoiler was relieved not to be forcefed the thoughts of Kevin Keegan, who ESPN have wheeled out for some of their bigger matches this season. After all, Keegan’s own brand of half-time chat isn’t exactly earth-shattering, as an international footballer friend of thespoiler once revealed.
Despite starting with a victory over Poland, Keegan soon ran into trouble, and the side were being held 0-0 after 45 minutes at home to Sweden, in a match they had to win to secure qualification. The players entered the dressing room in expectant silence, in search of some tactical nuance, or perhaps the famous Keegan inspiration that would guide them through the second half, and towards EURO 2000.
Instead however, they were told by the gaffer, “I don’t need to tell you what to do. You’re all top, top international footballers. Just get out there and play. You are all top players who know the game.”
Inspirational mind games perhaps. But when the side were being held in Bulgaria at half-time a few months later, and then trailing at the break to Scotland in the play-offs soon after, Keegan’s repetition of this mantra began to wear thin.
Up popped the hand of a particularly brave player, “Boss - clearly we do need to be told what to do, as we keep finding ourselves in these effing messes.”
Dennis Wise finally explains why spending £1million on a player who is no good, was actually an excellent idea.
In a hefty dose of nostalgia that left readers longing for the good old days, the weekend newspapers were once more cluttered to the brim with high-level comedy courtesy of Newcastle United. Amongst the more interesting revelations from the fall-out of Kevin Keegan’s tribunal, was that Dennis Wise pressured the Messiah into paying £1million for a player nobody at the club had actually seen play, with the sole intention of keeping some South American agents on board.
Wise should have spent the weekend bathing in shame at his behaviour, yet rather had the gall to show his face on television during yesterday’s Super Sunday Sky offering. True to form, the man who Alex Ferguson once said, “could start a row in an empty house,” has come out fighting, insisting these payments were worthwhile and part of a broader plan. Loveable Dennis explained:
“The long-term idea was we would have a relationship where we would have first option on all the best young South American kids, and that was important to the club.”
All well and good. Except we here at spoiler HQ have been racking our collective brains all morning to try and think of any South American youngster (for the sake of argument, under the age of 21) who has ever even remotely achieved anything in the Premier League. The best we could do was Mauro Zarate’s brief but ultimately doomed four months at Birmingham City two seasons ago.
Are we wrong? Or is Dennis Wise defending the indefensible? Tell us below…
As the player whose arrival at St James’ Park signalled Sir Kevin of Keegan’s impromptu exit, it’s little surprise that Xisco never became a fan favourite.
Dennis Wise’s greatest foray into the transfer market was shipped out on loan to Racing Santander last week, but it has been revealed that this move was born from controversial circumstances.
In his last days at Newcastle, the Spaniard complained of a groin injury and missed training for nine days. Subsequently, he insisted that he would need a further two weeks to recuperate. Just three days after saying this, however, Xisco successfully completed his first training session with Racing. Ruling out the possibility of a miraculous recovery, the player has had the gall/stupidity to admit that he forced his exit by faking the injury.
Magpies to tread the boards in honour of forgettable year
Football fans aren’t known for their love of theatre, but that could be about to change in the north east.
Two Newcastle season ticket holders are intending to depress cultured Magpies fans with You Really Couldn’t Make It Up, the stage interpretation of the Toon Army’s epic failures on and off the field in 2008/09, told through the ”witty, heartfelt banter of four ordinary fans coming to terms with life after relegation”.
Following a sold-out run there earlier this year, Newcastle’s Live Theatre hosts an updated version of “You Couldn’t Make It Up” starting this week.
Penned by father and son team Michael and Tom Chaplin (both season ticket holders at SJP) [Sarah Jessica Parker? - Ed.], “You Really Couldn’t Make It Up” recounts the story of Newcastle’s season from hell through the eyes of four fans.
Actors play the parts of Alan Shearer, Kevin Keegan and Mike Ashley.
Why are they getting actors to play the parts of Shearer, Keegan and Ashley, when they could probably get the real thing? It’s not as if any of them will be doing anything in the foreseeable future…
The Magpies would be bottom if their Messiah was there all season
The charming table above displays the records of all four Newcastle bosses this season and reveals where the club would have finished over 38 games based on each manager’s points average during their spell in charge.
It makes grim reading for Alan Shearer, whose record is only better than caretaker Chris Hughton’s because he was in charge for one less game. The statistics also suggest that Newcastle were well on their way to safety before Joe Kinnear had to step aside.
So is Shearer the right man to guide the club through a summer of wheeling and dealing - where Iain Dowie is likely to be influential in deciding who arrives having managed in the division with three clubs - or should someone else be given the chance? Let us know with a vote and comment below:
Former Middlesbrough man to fill Joe Kinnear’s boots
In their search for a temporary replacement for their temporary replacement for Kevin Keegan, Newcastle Utd are poised to approach Bryan Robson, say the Daily Express:
With Joe Kinnear facing a heart bypass operation and unlikely to return anytime soon, owner Mike Ashley is considering approaching Robson, the former England captain and ex-boss at North-east neighbours Middlesbrough, to take temporary charge.
Robson, whose departure from Sheffield Utd was ever-so-slightly acrimonious, is said to be the leading contender for the temporary post, and is very keen to offer his services.
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