What is wrong with Kevin Keegan? It’s like he’s living in his own secret dream world where the top four teams in the Premier League no longer even exist. He’s already done his twittering and moaning about how they’re killing football, but now it looks like he’s taken to just totally blanking them.

So who are his Premier League heroes? The team he strives to become? Everton.

Geordie Messiah’s managerial position is hanging by a thread. Again.

Following his ‘Premier League is boring‘ rant earlier this week, King Kev of Keegan has been summoned all the way down to ‘that London’ for ‘crunch talks‘ with Mike Ashley. The Geordie Messiah hasn’t had the best of seasons (winning just four of fifteen games in charge) and the rash manner in which Big Sam was dismissed exemplifies the club’s lack of patience in managerial matters.

So has the facegripping gaffer opened the door for little Dennis Wise to come downstairs, or is the fans’ favourite safe for another season? Votes and comments below, please.

Newcastle boss believes the traditional handshake is so passé

Kevin Keegan is a strong advocate of palm-to-cheek affection, and has been avoiding the handshakes of players and managers up and down the country since his nineties prime.

Take a look at the inspirational gallery below and remember - why shake someone’s hand when you could invade their personal space?

Victim: Wenger

Victim: Keane

Victim: Grant

Kevin Keegan criticises one of Europe’s most exciting leagues

Clearly, being part of a league whose title and relegation will be decided on the final day is not exciting enough for Kevin Keegan. He bleated the following in this morning’s Sun newspaper:

This league is in great danger of becoming one of the most boring but great leagues in the world. The top four this year will be the same as next year. […] The only games they lose are to each other. Not many sides outside the top four are beating them.

Keegan makes a fair (if unoriginal) point about the dominance of the Big Four, but is he right in saying the Premier League is boring? Or is the chip on his shoulder simply venting the frustration of not being able to break into the top pack? Votes and comments below, please.

For those who missed Britain’s Got Talent at the weekend, the conclusion was that it doesn’t… got talent. No one new came along to wow the judges, and the only real positive was the body popping street urchin who made everyone erupt into spontaneous tears of euphoria last year. In a similar vein, it looks like Chelsea have stopped looking for new stars and just want Kaka or Messi - has Abramovich secretly put Cowell in charge of transfers?

Kaka to Chelsea
Milan moneyman Adriano Galliani’s bold declaration that it would take something stupid like £55 million to prize Kaka away was intended to stop people hassling him all the time. What he didn’t take into account is that Abramovich happily spends £55 million on breakfasting and yachts.

Richard Dunne to Newcastle
In his continuing quest to assemble a team which could have won the league in 1999, Keegan is apparently taking a serious look at Dunne - no doubt intending to play him in a defence consisting of him, Steve Howey, Jason McAteer, and Graeme Le Saux. Hey Kevin, you know who’s really good? Alan Shearer!

Gareth Barry to Arsenal
With the rumours heavily suggesting that Flamini is going to flounce off to Italy in the summer, the whisper is that Arsenal are going to challenge Liverpool and Chelsea for Barry’s affections. Which, of course, means that he’s off to Old Trafford to stare awkwardly at Carrick and Hargreaves in training.

Premier League, Sunday, 1.30pm, Sky Sports 1, bet here

Newcastle “welcome” Sunderland this weekend, extending the hand of friendship to their near neighbours with the same warmth the people of Portsmouth showed when alerted of a paedophile in their midst a few years ago (and, as legend has it, a paediatrician. Near enough.) Crude daubings, scary chants and finger-across-the-throat-gestures should be the order of the day, which conveniently masks the fact that this is the highlight of Newcastle’s season. While Kevin Keegan may have successfully completed Task A - avoid the drop - his recipe for success still seems to be based on his enthusiasm “rubbing off” on the players, an almost medieval faith in these sports-scientific times. If Wisey and the rest of Mike Ashley’s mates don’t get busy in the transfer market this summer, and they’ve yet to show they know what they are doing, then the manager’s enthusiastic rubbings alone are not going to lift them toward glory, and this fixture will be their Cup Final for the next few years at least. The Wager suggests the trophy should be a bucket with a hole in it.

The statistics

* Kevin Keegan has managed Newcastle in four Tyne-Wear derbies and has won every time.

*Sunderland have failed to score in thirteen matches this season - only Derby have

Unhappy Barca striker has a ton of options

While on a radio show this week, Kevin Keegan was asked who he would like to sign to strengthen his tormented squad in the summer. Without even the slightest crack of a wry smile, he said: “I’d fetch Thierry Henry back to England.”

Mr Ashley certainly has the cash to take advantage of Barcelona’s summer clearout, but there are a host of other clubs hoping to obtain the Frenchman’s signature. Could Fergie step up the Wenger mind games by bringing him to Old Trafford? Will AC Milan unite him with Shevchenko? How about brand new MLS Franchise the Seattle Sounders - they’re looking for splash their dinero on a big European name or two.

Votes, comments and suggestions below, please.

King Kev could turn a disastrous season around

Not so long ago, a punt on Newcastle to be relegated was good value, but now the most interesting punt being offered is for the Toon to finish in the top half (currently at 14/1).

Newcastle are currently nine points away from tenth place, and have a tricky run in including matches with Chelsea and Everton. It is also worth noting that in five attempts, Kevin Keegan has never managed to finish the last six games of a season unbeaten.

So is a top half finish a real target, or naive optimism? Votes and comments below, please.

Spaniard won’t like the climate on Tyneside

It has emerged this morning that King Kev is keen to bring Atletico Madrid’s Jose Antonio Reyes to St James’ Park, to fill the left wing void that Damien Duff has been struggling with. Apparently, Manchester City are also interested in bringing him back to the UK.

Keegan spent a few years away from football before his second coming, so he may have missed the fact that Reyes left Arsenal in 2006 because he was homesick and found the weather far too cold. In London. Which is, on average, several degrees warmer than Newcastle each year. Oh dear.

King Kev’s rudderless ship is in grave danger

On February 1st, The Spoiler audaciously suggested Newcastle would be involved in a relegation battle. Despite statistical evidence, some of the more sensitive Geordies took great offense to the implication that they could finish in the bottom three, but now most are accepting King Kev will have very sweaty palms for the final nine games.

In addition to our original prophecy of doom, here’s a few more reasons why The Toon could be about to drop like Danielle Lloyd’s underwear:

» Newcastle still have the worst form in the league. In the last eight games, even perpetual strugglers Derby have amassed more points (three) than them (two).

» If all the teams transfer their form into their remaining games from the same number of proceeding games then Newcastle will go down. The league table would look like this:

12. Middlesbrough - 41 points
13. Wigan - 40 points
14. Birmingham - 37 points
15. Sunderland - 37 points
16. Reading - 34 points
17. Bolton - 33 points
18. Newcastle - 30 points
19. Fulham - 25 points
20. Derby - 13 points