West Ham fans miss their first win over Chelsea in six years

The Spoiler can’t stand the monotony of international breaks where nothing ever happens in the week building up to the game and it looks like Chelsea and West Ham feel the same way.

Gianfranco Zola and Steve Clarke took a group of players who aren’t off gallivanting with their national teams - including Luis Boa Morte, Kieron Dyer and Savio - to Chelsea’s Cobham training ground to have a kickaround with the likes of Alex, Florent Malouda and Ricardo Quaresma.

The Hammers were 4-2 victors thanks largely to youngster Junior Stanislas but any sense of achievement in beating the Blues for the first time since 2003 was tempered by the fact Ray Wilkins was managing the opposition.

Hide your faces in shame…

Ug, is there anything worse than having all of your dreams shattered? The short answer is, of course, no, no there isn’t. Yet every year we get all excited and start hailing new saviours for the England football team, here to finally banish a million years of pain. Players like Barnes, Collymore, Gareth Barry, Walcott.

These men came to us like mighty footballing Christs, then gave us nothing but salty tears.

Yeah, thanks a lot, guys. Here’s the worst of the bunch…

GK Chris Kirkland
When Kirkland joined Liverpool in 2001, people went mental, insisting that he was the future England keeper, and would be for hundreds of years to come. Then he kept getting injured, and now Capello has more faith in David James, an 86-year-old gentleman who Liverpool fans once derided for being totally rubbish.

DL Wayne Bridge
What a breath of fresh air Bridge was when he was careering up and down the flanks at Southampton. Some even suggested that he might be better than that hateful little toad, Ashley Cole. Unfortunately, even Wayne Bridge wasn’t buying that one, and he now spends his days earning money for doing nothing, which makes him a total loser/genius.

Man escapes by skin of teeth…

It doesn’t just break The Spoiler’s heart watching a grown man squander his talent and hit rock bottom, it rips it out, jams a stick of dynamite into the superior Vena Cava, right down into the Right Atrium, sparks it up, and BOOM! One exploded heart, one lake of salty tears. So, spare a thought for Kieron Dyer who plummeted to the depths just this weekend, according to The Sun. If the rumours they’re hinting at are true, the man was very nearly tempted to do it with Jade Goody. By which we mean sex. Luckily for him, her on/off boyfriend Jack Tweed turned up just as they were about to hammer out the terms of their sexual liaison. Presumably.

It wasn’t so long ago that Dyer had it all - pace, flair, the entire football world at his feet. He was going to be England’s very own Maradona, and women-wise, he could have snapped his fingers and gone out with Helen of Troy - or, in reality, someone classy like Page 3’s very own Leilani (pictured after the jump).

But now look at him - languishing in a hospital bed somewhere, relegated to entertaining cheap sexual thrills at the hands of the country’s most vile and unlikable racist. It should serve as a warning to all the young footballers out there who think they have it all.

Yes, Theo Walcott, we’re talking about you.

In between lovely slices of mango and giant slurps of caffeine-free Diet Coke, The Spoiler has perused and foraged the transfers underworld, and these gems were lurking in the shrubbery. So to speak.

Tony Adams to Arsenal
Hey what’s wrong Arsene? Feeling a wee bit sensitive because your attacking team has problems defending? Oh stop weeping, man, just get Tony Adams in to help you out! (Or so it would seem, apparently).

Kaka OR Leo Messi to Chelsea
Clearly learning nothing whatsoever from the Shevchenko debacle, Roman Abramovich has apparently declared that this summer he wants to hurl around £100 million, preferably in the direction of Kaka, or Messi… or Pele… or Maradona…