Barrage of socks baffles most of the country

The eighties phenomenon of throwing things on the pitch has experienced a huge revival this season, and last night’s Merseyside Derby fell victim to this idiotic fad. Coins and plastic bottles were directed at the pitch, but the most bizarre missiles of the season turned up in the second half, when Liverpool fans started hurling socks onto the pitch.

Was it a safer version of the George Bush shoe throwing protest? Was it a surreal attempt to further destabilise Rafa Benitez’s diminishing sanity?

Alas, no. After searching some Liverpool message boards, The Spoiler discovered it was a taunt intended at Everton “sock robbers”. These are Kirkby residents who steal socks from clothes lines to keep their fingerprints off of the cars they steal. Kirkby, of course, is the proposed location of Everton’s new stadium.

Apparently, the concept of gloves and the idea that stealing is bad has yet to reach Kirkby.

Keith Wyness has mysteriously disappeared into the Mersey night

In December 2004, a few months after Chief Exec of Aberdeen FC Keith Wyness was poached by Everton, the blue side of Mersey reinvigorated their plans to leave Goodison Park for a 50,000 out-of-town stadium complex in Kirkby.

The rotund Scot, who also voiced approval over the 39th Premier League game, was instrumental in the controversial relocation plans, but last night he caught Everton off guard and handed in his resignation. Obviously still in shock, the Toffees’ official site was only capable of mustering a single sentence on the subject:

Everton Football Club wishes to announce that Keith Wyness has resigned his position as Chief Executive Officer and director of the Club.

Many fans fear that his resignation indicates the plush Kirkby stadium, which could be used in the World Cup 2018 (should we be chosen to host), will no longer happen. Others who have been speculating on Everton’s deathly silence in the transfer market and who support the ‘Keep Everton In Our City’ will no doubt be delighted that Wyness has waddled off into the sunset.