Coming to a computer near you…

Frank Lampard still looking for The One (Show)
( Metro )

Is this the most open Premier League title race ever?
( Telegraph )

Legend Ariel Ortega does what we expect Argentinian no 10s to do - cheat
( 101gg )

Steve Gibson has a long way to go - Atletico name nine coaches in one day
( Guardian )

And name Tottenham’s new stadium
( Pies )

Pay attention at the back

1. England aren’t the only country with a dodgy keeper
Madrid - Milan was a terrific match, end-to-end and iced with a couple of wonderful goals. But there were also some dreadful goalkeeping on display, from two men who are in contention to be the custodians for two of the favourites to win in South Africa.
Iker Casillas had his worst game in a Madrid shirt for many years. Not only was he beaten by Andrea Pirlo’s 87 yard strike for the Milan equaliser, but he then made a terrific hash of a standard long ball, to allow the Duck to put the Rossoneri ahead.

2. Serie A is no longer the home of Catenaccio
Things aren’t what they used to be in Serie A. 17 goals in the four matches in which Italian sides were involved this week, shows that the days of tuning into Ch4, to watch Roma and Sampdoria pass the ball around the back four inside their own half, are well and truly over.

3. Frank Lampard needs a team built around him
Much flapping and excitement in today’s press, as the golden boy Frank Lampard returned to form last night with a goal and two assists against the awful Atletico. Less lauded however, was how Lamps was at his best due to once more having three midfielders screening him, allowing Frank effectively a free role. It’s this sort of indulgence that Lampard has become used to, and that Capello is trying to stamp out with England.
Steven Gerrard to a slightly lesser degree relies on the same indulgence - at his best in a free role with three midfielders in behind him. Many would argue the pair are so good, they are worth spoiling. Thespoiler isn’t so sure - Paul Scholes used to score 15 a season playing with just Roy Keane alongside him, let alone two others.

Has everyone got a pen? Take notes, people

After a miserable 5-1 victory over the weekend, it was nice to see England produce something close to decent footie. Rooney - now sprouting terrifying neck hair - had a stonker, the England fans were so passionate about the anthems that they insisted on being a verse out of time, and Heskey got a well-deserved 50th cap. Here’s what else we found out:

1. England will always concede a goal at some point - albeit a fantastic one.

2. Heskey and Rooney work together as a front TWO.

3. We need someone like Hargreaves in the middle hurtling around, yapping away. Too much backing off gave Belarus their goal.

Another England match, another rubbish evening…

The scoreline flattered to deceive, England were horrendous against Kazakhstan. Barely a decent string of passes were strung, and half of the players had the look of men who’d rather be anywhere else other than playing at home for England. On the plus side, lessons are there to be learned for Capello, and here’s what we know:

1. Rooney must play in the centre of the front line, that’s where he scores goals from.

2. Upson looks shaky, so if JT’s going to insist in getting injured we need sufficient back up. Capello, get Carragher on the phone - Woodgate and King are too injury prone.

Away from the pitch they’re just like you… only cooler

Thank Christ for the paparazzi. There, we said it. Because without these drooling heroes with their gigantic cameras and intrusive personalities, we would know nothing about the real lives of our footballers and their WAGs. Until this afternoon, we were convinced that Rio Ferdinand sent a fleet of slave children to Waitrose to fetch his groceries, that Deco stayed in playing Pro Evolution Soccer during the evenings, and that Cheryl Cole spent all her free time drinking glasses of milk with her husband. Wrong on all counts, it seems. Here’s what we’ve learned thanks to the paps:

1. Rio Ferdinand stocks up on pizza, salad, and Lucozade at Somerfield. Just like the rest of us.

2. When Deco isn’t teaching Lampsie, JT and Drog-Drog how to correctly fashion a stubbly beard, he can be found casually chatting up brunette women in the back of expensive cars.

3. And, most interestingly of all, when Cheryl Cole isn’t weeping to the sounds of mentally sick people singing on X Factor, she glances wistfully out of windows (above), or cowers next to pretty stone walls (below).

See all the proof you need after the jump…

Midfield terrier has knackered knees

Forget Lampsie, Ballack, Drog-Drog - the player most likely to drag Chelsea through those stodgy mid-season blues has been Michael Essien, the Chelsea fans player of the season in 2006/2007, a human dynamo. Hence the Londoners (in the broadest sense) will surely suffer as the midfielder looks set to miss the majority of the season with a busted up leg.

On the plus side, does this now mean that Michael Ballack will unpack his suitcase and stay beyond Christmas? The German had been rumoured to be grumbling about his job security, what with Deco, Lampsie, Cole and Essien all really great footballers challenging for a mini-handful of spots, but now it looks like he might have a few months coasting along in the starting line-up.

That’ll put the smile back on his half-sneering face.

Footballer in normal clothes shocker

The Spoiler’s love for Gerrard is deep. Real deep. Not just because he plays great football, we love him because he behaves as a sportsman should. For example, when left to his own devices, he has no idea what to wear.

While the likes of Becks and Lampsie have come out as rampant metrosexuals, unwilling to even leave the house if they’re not draped in the latest chic collection pour hommes, Gerrard’s more your meat and potatoes tracksuit-and-jeans type. And what are all those bags he’s carrying in the above picture? Gucci? Armani? Old Spice? No, woman, they’re Adidas. Adidas for MEN.

You won’t catch this guy smelling of flowers.

For another take on things, go to Kickette.

Fergie thinks the Chelsea pensioners haven’t got a chance

In the latest of his pre-season mind games, Alex Ferguson has accused the Chelsea squad of being too old to compete with his spritely team this season:

“When you see the ages they’ve got, apart from Salomon Kalou [who is 22] and Mikel John Obi [21], they are an experienced side. I’m not saying necessarily that they’re old because, with the modern-day training methods, you should be playing in your thirties. What I am saying is that I don’t see outstanding progress in a team that’s in their thirties.”

So there you have it. Manchester Utd, whose squad includes Edwin van der Sar (37), Gary Neville (33), Ryan Giggs (34) and Paul Scholes (33) are destined to claim another Premiership title because the likes of Frank Lampard (30), Michael Ballack (31) and Deco (30) are getting on a bit.

It’s also worth noting the average ages of the starting lineups of the Champions League final - Manchester Utd’s was 27.45, while Chelsea’s (which included 35-year-old Calude Makelele) was just 28.45.

So, should some members of the Chelsea squad head off to the MLS retirement home (the football equivalent of Bournemouth), or do you side with deceased hip hop starlet Aaliyah in her sentiment ‘Age ain’t nothing but a number’? Votes and comments below, please.