An emergency? Quick, call Captain Disaster!

If history has taught us anything, it’s that you need a steady hand to calm a maddening crowd. Not Terry Venables. His kindly demeanour and likable personality make him seem warm and cuddly - in fact, he’s a bit like Keegan, only without the crippling oversensitive side and relentless nervous breakdowns. But don’t be fooled by the warmth, people of Newcastle, the man is jinxed.

Wherever he goes, bad things happen. Remember Leeds United? Crystal Palace? Of course you don’t

We get the lowdown on the Magpies’ potential new saviour

Despite Newcastle insisting that giving up complete control of Newcastle United would not appeal to Mike Ashley, rumours are rife of a takeover by Mumbai-born businessman named Anil Ambani. Like most of the new school of Premier League owners, Ambani has no history in sport, but his links to the hugely expanding Indian market and reported willingness to sink £150m into the Toon could prove very fruitful.

Here’s what we know about Mr Ambani:

* According to Forbes magazine’s 2008 Billionaire list, Ambani is has a net worth of around $42bn (£21.5bn), making him the sixth richest man in the world, behind filthy rich folksfolks like Bill Gates and Warren Buffett. That gives him nearly double the spending power of Roman Abramovich (worth a measly $12bn) and streets ahead of Mike Ashley (whose empire is worth a pitiful £1.4bn).

* In 2003 he beat Prime Minister Atal Bihari Vajpayee and cricketer Sachin Tendulkar to become MTV’s Youth Icon of the Year. “Young people are the future of our nation and they give me the strength to carry forward the vision of my late father, Dhirubhai Ambani, of making India a successful and super reliant power house,” he gushed at the time.

* His aforementioned father founded conglomerate Reliance Industries back

Just a question, not a declaration of war…

Alright, football fans, put the grenades down, and throw your machetes into a nearby hedge. The Spoiler knows the drill by now, your claws are out, and we can only apologise for the headline - we didn’t do it just to stir you into a frenzy of mouth frothing and blue language. We are not Liverpool fans (for the most part), we’re just looking at the facts. Perhaps once you’ve sobered up enough, you might find time to study them with us?

Firstly, Liverpool are the only Big Four team that no one ever wants to leave. Chelsea are struggling to keep Lampsie and Drog-drog interested, Hleb and Flamini couldn’t wait to scarper from North London, and even up in Manchester - supposedly home to the best team in Europe - Cristiano Ronaldo is champing at the bit to get away, and start afresh on a new set of local prostitutes. Probably Spanish ones.

Yet, over in the Merseyside city of Liverpool, no one can bear the thought of not coming home to Rafa Benitez’s warm womanly bosom, regardless of the fact that the city is about as far away from being a genuine European Capital of Culture as you can get (where next? Norwich?). Even Crouchie - a man with sophisticated tastes for things like oysters and Abbey Clancy - seemed reluctant to go south.

Rockstar forces shock transfer on wedding day

Traditionally, wedding receptions are a time of dancing with elderly relatives, drinking too much cheap champers and watching young children ease their boredom by setting fire to decorations.

They are not usually a place where the groom will make career altering decisions, but Stereophonics singer Kelly Jones forced Wayne Rooney into a corner on his big day last week:

WAYNE ROONEY had to promise to change his nationality to WELSH before his favourite rocker would sing at his wedding reception. KELLY JONES of the STEREOPHONICS also got him to pledge to play for Leeds next season.

The Have A Nice Day singer said: “My opening line was, ‘So Wayne, your missus rang and asked us to do this’. I said, ‘On one condition - as long as he plays for Leeds next season and changes his nationality to Welsh. Can I

The best sports on the telebox tonight

Tonight, Leeds will be attempting to make their first ever visit below the top two flights in England as short as possible, as they challenge Carlisle for a place in the Championship. Despite their impromptu managerial change and 15 point deduction, the West Yorkshire club are 8/5 favourites to go up. Those odds aren’t going to get any longer, so get on them right here.

Indian Premier League
Kings XI Punjab/ Bangalore Royal Challengers (Setanta Sports 1, 3.30pm)

Speedway Elite League
Eastbourne Eagles/ Poole Pirates (Sky Sports 2, 7.30pm)

League One Play-off Semi-final First Leg
Leeds Utd/ Carlisle Utd (Sky Sports 1, 7.45pm)