In the biblical tale of the Prodigal Son, a young man ventures to the big city to fill up on wine and hookers before going home to lead a normal domestic life as an accountant, or something. In some ways, it’s exactly the same tale as that of Shaun Wright-Phillips and Manchester City, only without the fatted calf, the hookers, the wine… the bible. But no matter.
This, along with Heskey’s suspected return to Liverpool, got The Spoiler to thinking, and by the time we’d polished off our lunchtime amuse bouche followed by soup, we’d pretty much compiled a team made up of returning players. All with varying degrees of success.
In goal, we went for everyone’s favourite drug-eating maniac, Mark Bosnich.
Until about an hour ago, The Spoiler was thought to be a great impressionist, having spent years mastering the likes of Frank Spencer, Rolf Harris, Shirley Bassey, every single character on Allo Allo. And then this modern young upstart comes along with his up-to-the-minute impersonations of Benitez, Gerrard, Carragher, Owen and Crouch, and we can’t get a single gig at the London Palladium. It’s a young man’s game.
Yes people, on the very same day that old man Beckham is likely to be staggering around the midfield for England against the mighty Croatians, “crocked” Steven Gerrard has been spotted enjoying a competitive training session at Liverpool HQ.
Only a smidgen into the new season and already Liverpool have morphed into the Chelsea of old, pummeling their way to cruel unappealing victories. This, of course, means that they will definitely win the league whilst simultaneously turning the entire world off the idea of watching a football match for fun. That said, our pals at Chickendinner are convinced that they won’t be winning ugly at Villa this weekend, that’s for damn sure. Here’s why:
1. Two of the last three league meetings between the sides have ended all square, including their most recent contest, a 2-2 draw at Anfield in January.
2. In the last five seasons, Liverpool have only twice managed to win at Villa Park, having been held on the three other occasions.
Well, it’s finally happened, someone stumbled across a massive pile of bones and decided it was Bigfoot. Naturally, no one else has actually seen the remains, so we’ll just have to take their word for it. In the same way that you must trust The Spoiler when we tell you that we saw The Loch Ness Monster once. Honestly, it was huge. That’s how we knew what it was. Anyway, cynicism aside, here’s some of the weekend’s news in advance…
People power reigns supreme on Merseyside
All hell broke loose when Liverpool fans discovered that sponsors Carlsberg were planning on launching a special offer with The Sun whereby readers could claim a free pint - many fans, of course, still refuse to forgive the paper for their inaccurate reporting of the Hillsborough disaster. Hence, Carlsberg decided to pull out of the deal. So that’s Liverpool Fans 1, Thirsty Sun Readers 0.
Piz is off
Claudio Pizarro has left Chelsea on loan, but decided to challenge for a title with Werder Bremen rather than struggle to avoid relegation with Stoke or Hull. Of course, when Chelsea let anyone leave on loan, it’s code for “just go”.
The Spoiler’s love for Gerrard is deep. Real deep. Not just because he plays great football, we love him because he behaves as a sportsman should. For example, when left to his own devices, he has no idea what to wear.
While the likes of Becks and Lampsie have come out as rampant metrosexuals, unwilling to even leave the house if they’re not draped in the latest chic collection pour hommes, Gerrard’s more your meat and potatoes tracksuit-and-jeans type. And what are all those bags he’s carrying in the above picture? Gucci? Armani? Old Spice? No, woman, they’re Adidas. Adidas for MEN.
While Crouchie’s career takes a slight downward loop involving a pensive bus ride from Merseyside to Portsmouth, his girlfriend Abbey Clancy is on the up and up. Until now she’s been mostly adored for her grueling work as a bikini model, or her stint as a part time chef in Hell’s Kitchen - where, incidentally, she was rubbish. But judging by the above picture, The Spoiler smells a possible career in television, and further inspection suggests that filming took place on a chilly summers day (below).
You’d need to get up pretty early in the morning to catch us out, Clancy.
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