All signs point to Wenger’s wallet 

After a bumpy ride towards the end of the season, what with all of his players dashing around like blind madmen with chainsaws, it looks like Captain Wenger is trying to steady his ship with some big name signings. But might it be too little too late? Today’s transfer rumours LOVE Arsenal…

Roque Santa Cruz to Arsenal
Might Wenger totally ditch his buy cheap/make great method by plumping for Santa Cruz, who would cost 89 gazillion Wenger pounds, and is already really good? The people who make up rumours think so.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Not feeling this one.

Louis Saha to Arsenal
With Rooney’s hip problems flaring up and Gary Neville constantly crocked, Man United are looking for extra beds in their infirmary, so Saha will be wheeled out over the summer. Arsene Wenger is thought to be lurking in the Latin quarter of Manchester, sipping hot coffee with £5 million in his pocket.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Seems unlikely, although Wenger might appreciate his Frenchness.

Samir Nasri to Arsenal
Apparently Nasri is the new Zinedine Zidane - which must be gutting for all the other new Zidanes.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: He’s young, relatively unheard of, Wenger will love him!

When Kevin Keegan isn’t smearing his grubby hands all over their faces, football’s finest businessmen are busy shouting into mobile phones, downing shots of hot coffee, and hanging around in steam rooms persuading footballers to join their club. Just this morning, a bunch of fatties were spotted listening to harp music in big white towels talking about these transactions:

Anton Ferdinand to Tottenham
You have to admire Ramos’ strategy, after all, if he buys every single defender in the Premier League, other teams will have to field children at the back. In the long term, it’s a work of utter genius - have you seen kids play football? They can’t tackle, they’re rubbish.

Steve Sidwell to Everton
Having roared like an inferno with the Chelsea Reserves, it looks like Sidwell might yet pursue a career playing actual competitive football - this time trading Ballack, Lamps and JT, for the second best Neville brother (or seventh if you count 70s Soul group The Neville Brothers), Cahill and Lescott.

Lassana Diarra to Tottenham
Silly us, no one realised that Diarra isn’t looking for a career in football, he’s traveling. And now he’s ready to use his round-the-world ticket on a flight to North London - no doubt wearing some hippy beads and a tattoo that he got done during a crazy full moon party on one of Portsmouth many sandy beaches. Don’t forget your didgeridoo Lassana!