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Celtic striker scores the goal of the weekend in the European Qualifiers
( 101GG )

Louis van Gaal reveals he was offered the Manchester United job
( Sky Sports )

Peterborough United WAG Nicola McLean looks most unWAGish
( Kickette)

Its not football, but its a great time-killer at work
( Speech Breaker )

Bayern general manager plays down Blues’ bid for Frenchman

Earlier this week, the nation’s least accurate favourite tabloid claimed that Roman Abramovich would personally fly to Germany to thrash out a £40m deal for Real Madrid target Franck Ribery.

For that kind of money, the Blues would probably expect all of the Frenchman’s body parts, but Bayern Munich general manager Uli Hoeness has insisted that this isn’t the case:

“What does he expect for [£40m] - Ribery’s right leg? Seriously, we stopped talking about Franck leaving a month ago because it isn’t going to happen.”

Once again, Bayern are adamant that they will not relinquish their grip on the Bundesliga’s biggest star, even though he has personally expressed his desire to play for Madrid.

Ribery was not fit for the start of the Bundesliga season, but Bayern coach Louis van Gaal allowed him to train with the France team this week as a means of improving his recent grumpy attitude. Despite the Dutchman’s claims that he would not be fit to face the Faroe Islands last night, he did play in the second half.

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Louis van Gaal to prevent top stars from getting their grooves on

In his first attempt to impose some authority on his newly inherited Bayern Munich squad, Louis van Gaal has insisted that his players cut sexy disco visits out of their routines.

According to Bild, the disciplinarian Dutchman will be monitoring his players’ extra-curricular activities, presumably through a network of “disco detectives”. Van Gaal said he will be paying particularly close attention to notorious night spot P1, Munich’s equivalent of Movida where Munich’s equivalent of Danielle Lloyd probably hangs out.

Turkish midfielder Hamit Altıntop - clearly a fan of pounding German techno music and lady-based fun - does not seem to agree with the restrictions:

“Work is work. Private is private. The coach has said nothing to us about this.”

Popular Bayern striker Miroslav Klose, however, won’t miss the Munich nightlife:

“Every player needs to behave professionally, and needs to know what is right and important. I know some players who went to the disco every day.”

After making these comments, Klose apparently went and put an apple on Van Gaal’s desk. Simultaneously, Franck Ribery reportedly scrawled ‘Ass Kisser’ on Klose’s car, before running behind the bike sheds to smoke cigarettes and look at porn with Luca Toni.

[A tip of the cap to IMScouting]

French prankster intends to join the Florentino Perez revolution

A few weeks ago, Bayern Munich chairman Karl-Heinz Rummenigge was adamant that Franck Ribery would not leave the Bundesliga club this summer.

The handsome midfielder was present at Bayern’s first day of  training yesterday, but French daily sport paper L’Equipe believe he used the opportunity to drop a bombshell on new manager Louis van Gaal. Apparently, Ribery has expressed an interest in joining his national team-mate Karim Benzema at Real Madrid:

[Translated from French]

Ribery told L’equipe of his desire to move elsewhere: “It’s decided, I want to leave.”

When asked whether he intended to move to Real Madrid, or whether it was another club he wanted to go to, he spontaneously replied: “Yes, it will be Real or nothing.”

Die Roten’s general manager Uli Hoeness was not surprised by Ribery’s attitude, reasoning that “Life is not always a fairytale.” The former German striker, however, made it clear that the club will do everything in their power