Also appearing on a computer near you…

Fabio Cannavaro inspires the Five Worst Doping Excuses list
[Off The Post]

Sulley Muntari dismisses rumours of a Tottenham switch
[Goal.com]

As always, Sergio Ramos looks ri-god-damn-diculous
[Kickette]

Cheryl Cole is hot, confusing
[Dirty Tackle]

West Ham target Luca Toni wants a move to Napoli
[Daily Mail]

Bye bye Peter Taylor
[LMA]

Carlo Ancelotti backs his former employer Milan to improve, probably with a huge grin on his face
[The Mirror]

Also appearing on a computer near you…

Fergie helps to push Jonny Evans down the aisle during a press conference
[Off The Post]

Nereida Gallardo is on the cover of Portuguese Maxim
[Poprosa via Kickette]

Revealed: Roma’s terrifying new stadium
[Dirty Tackle]

Dallas have finally won at the Cowboys Stadium, and this couple were keen to celebrate (NSFW)
[Deadspin]

Carlos Tevez won’t be offering Utd fans the courtesy he showed West Ham
[Daily Mail]

Who actually owns Leeds Utd?
[The Guardian]

Luca Toni looks set to join West Ham in January
[The Telegraph]

FC Köln striker vaults a fence to show appreciation to fans

Those who dipsair at Emmanuel Adebayor’s attitude and Gary Neville’s defence of outrageous salaries can find solace in Lukas Podolski.

The Polish-born German national team striker played for FC Köln from the age of ten, but was begrudgingly sold in 2003 when Bayern Munich turned up with an irresistible €10m cheque. When the arrival of Luca Toni pushed him down the pecking order in Munich, however, Podolski returned to his childhood club for a similar €10m fee. Such was the Cologne fans’ love of their returning hero that they set up a website in order to raise money to fund the re-signing.

Since his return to North Rhine-Westphalia, Podolski has reciprocated the love shown to him by fans. Last night, FC Köln caused an upset in the DFB-Pokal cup (the German equivalent of the FA Cup)

The Bayern Munich prankster strikes again

When Bayern Munich opened their Bavarian headquarters to the public, French prank artist Franck Ribery took the opportunity to test Luca Toni’s pain threshhold.

Mad props to Bild for adding an assortment of hi-larious doorbell noises to the incident.

Mildly interesting Spoiler fact: Bayern’s training facility, upgraded at the behest of Jurgen Klinsmann, now includes a café, a library, an “e-Learning room”, and a family room. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Cobham.

Bundesliga beauty speaks of Frenchman’s ‘charm’

Croatian singer, model, socialite and writer Nives Celzijus has gained a huge following in Germany since her husband Dino Drpić joined Karlsruher SC. Her fame has arisen from a combination of steamy photoshoots, sexy claims (such as her claim that she boffed her husband on the pitch where England lost a vital Euro 2008 qualifier), and her regular column for newspaper Bild.

Nives usually uses her column inches in Europe’s biggest newspaper to single out the most attractive players in the Bundesliga, and her most recent is no expception.

Firstly, she calls attention to players with long hair: apparently, the likes of Andriy Voronin cannot get away with a long mane, but handsome devils like Nesta or Nuno Gomes can pull it off.

… If Bayern win the Champions League

Luca Toni’s Bayern Munich are high on Champions League confidence after putting approximately 412 goals past Sporting in the last round, but face a huge challenge against Barcelona in the quarter-finals this month.

The World Cup winner has been decorated with many honours in his football career, but he is willing to give anything to get his hands around the European Cup, including his clothes and dignity:

“Reaching Rome is my goal. I have won so many titles in my career but this one still eludes me.

“If we bring the Champions League trophy back to Munich, I promise: I will walk naked through the Marienplatz!”

Toni believes Bayern Munich have the mettle to win the competition, thanks to the fact that they field “eleven lions”, rather than “eleven professionals”. Frankly, we can’t see the Germans getting past Barcelona or Liverpool/ Chelsea in the semis, but the proposed nudity stunt will definitely excite his legions of female fans: Italian women recently voted Toni as the footballer they would most like to see naked.

[Bild]

This is how Germans entertain themselves

Some folks like to claim that Germans have no sense of humour, but The Spoiler has evidence that this simply isn’t the case. TV presenter and comedian Matze Knop has been impersonating German football stars for many years, and is now attempting to crack the pop charts.His “hilarious” new single ‘Numero Uno’ is a send-up of Bayern Munich’s Italian striker Luca Toni, where ‘cannelloni’ and ‘pepperoni’ are ingeniously rhymed with the player’s name.

According to German paper Bild, the video recently appeared on Controcampo (an Italian football Show whose sexy presenters have included WAGs Federica Fontana and Elisabetta Canalis), where Luca Toni was the studio guest. Fortunately, the Italian found it very funny. Who wouldn’t?

Spoiler bonus: Here’s Matze Knop’s tribute to Franz Beckenbauer and here’s his recent send-up of Jürgen Klinsmann. The resemblances are uncanny.

Wantaway striker wants away yet again

For about the thousandth time in his Chelsea career, Didier Drogba has shown a desire to jump ship after being spotted in a restaurant with his agent, an Inter director and Jose Mourinho’s agent. However, for perhaps the first time, the Ivory Coast striker is no longer indispensible. Chelsea are top of the Premier League and the division’s top-scorers while Nicolas Anelka has managed eleven goals in twelve league starts. So if the Blues do finally decide to get shot of the striker, who should they bring in to replace him? Here are a few of the names that have been mentioned so far:

Adriano
The Brazilian striker was a surprise inclusion for Inter Milan in the starting line-up against Juventus, where he helped create the winning goal. There are big question marks over his attitude but former Italy coach Arrigo Sacchi has tipped him to move to Stamford Bridge, saying: ”Roman Abramovich has always liked him and I wouldn’t be surprised if Chelsea came knocking on Massimo Moratti’s door soon.”

Mario Balotelli
The 18-year-old is another Inter Milan striker who is linked with a move to Chelsea in a part-exchange deal for Drogba. Scolari is reportedly impressed by the youngster but it would be seen as a big gamble to replace Drogba with someone so inexperienced.

Lukas Podolski