The worst players currently plying their trade in the top flight

A survey of the worst Premier League players of all time as conducted by Top-Up TV arrived at Spoiler Towers this morning, and their ‘Relegation Utd’ looked a little something like this:

Massimo Taibi; Titus Bramble; Jean-Alain Boumsong; Abel Xavier; and Darren Peacock; Eric Djemba Djemba; Luke Chadwick; Carlton Palmer; Lee Dong Gook; Thomas Brolin; Diego Forlan; and manager Sammy Lee.

After wondering how the Top-Up TV team that didn’t include the man who Alan Mullery declared as the worst player ever to grace the top flight, Carl Leaburn, we decided that there are eleven men currently earning their keep in the Prem who would lose to this motley lot…

Paul Robinson, Blackburn
Proved that he didn’t leave his catalogue of errors at White Hart Lane when Mikel Arteta’s free-kick from a ridiculous angle caught him out on the opening day of the season.

Jlloyd Samuel, Bolton
Graduated from the same “I-may-have-a-great-name-but-I’m-not-a-great-footballer” club as Eric Djemba-Djemba and Quincy Owusu-Abeyie.

Titus Bramble, Wigan
Alright, so there was one player on their

WARNING! Some of these men are old enough to be your brother…

At 66-years-old, Sir Alex Ferguson still knows how to ruffle some feathers and get some backs up. Just this morning he studied the horizon to make sure Scholes and Giggs were out of earshot, and then let rip at Chelsea for being a bunch of bleeding pensioners. The Spoiler is, of course, paraphrasing. But it was a bit like that.

Here’s the big question: How would this team of doddering old fools get on against the younger bucks? Pretty well, we think…

GK Shay Given (32, Newcastle)
Aww, we remember little Seamus when he was just a fresh faced little bunny rabbit playing for Newcastle United, and now look at him - absolutely the same. It’s like the man sleeps in Oil of Olay (or Ulay to people in their 30s). One of the best around.

DL William Gallas (30, Arsenal)
Yes, the snappy defender would probably have one of his toddler tantrums about having to play left back, but it was either him or Phil Neville, and we’re not going to make that mistake again. Just do as you’re told, Gallas, you idiot.

DC Jamie Carragher (30, Liverpool)
Contrary to how it sounds, when Jamie Carragher stands in front of you snorting, hacking and clearing his throat, he’s actually speaking. Thankfully, his on-field communication is much less foggy. A hero.

DC Ricardo Carvalho (30, Chelsea)

Today’s rumours, gossip and damned lies

Fans of the French club who sold Drogba to Chelsea in the first place are so desperate to bring him back that they are trying to raise £22 million to buy him. The church-hall style fundraising thermometer has been put on the wall, but so far made just 5,000 euros (about £4,000) has been collected. Only another £21,996,000 to go, mon frères…

The Frank Lampard saga latest
The ultra-reliable Daily Star claim Lampard has once again refused to sign the four-year deal being offered by Chelsea, while Jose Mourinho has cheekily called Lamps the best professional he has worked with.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Jose is intent on charming Lampard to Milan

Andrei Arshavin latest
The Russian forward has been spotted

In between lovely slices of mango and giant slurps of caffeine-free Diet Coke, The Spoiler has perused and foraged the transfers underworld, and these gems were lurking in the shrubbery. So to speak.

Tony Adams to Arsenal
Hey what’s wrong Arsene? Feeling a wee bit sensitive because your attacking team has problems defending? Oh stop weeping, man, just get Tony Adams in to help you out! (Or so it would seem, apparently).

Kaka OR Leo Messi to Chelsea
Clearly learning nothing whatsoever from the Shevchenko debacle, Roman Abramovich has apparently declared that this summer he wants to hurl around £100 million, preferably in the direction of Kaka, or Messi… or Pele… or Maradona…

West Ham star gets the drinks in

On Saturday evening, Lucas Neill went to the Walkabout bar in Covent Garden to celebrate Australia Day. He was so keen to commemorate the first European settlement on