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Chelsea went about dismantling Portsmouth in spectacular style last weekend and Big Phil will now be charged with the task of maintaining treacherously high standards. Chelsea may not have it all their own way at Wigan, but should leave a half-empty JJB with a full complement of points. Here’s why…

1. Wigan have failed in six attempts to secure a Premier League victory over Chelsea, losing five and drawing the other.

2. In four of the last five seasons, Chelsea have won their opening two league fixtures. Chelsea beat Portsmouth 4-0 on the opening day this year.

3. Chelsea have taken maximum points from each of their three previous trips to the JJB, scoring six

Today’s gossip, rumours and damned lies

Those who remember being told off as a child for always wanting what they couldn’t have will sympathise with Chelsea’s current predicament. AC Milan are practically begging The Blues to take Kaka off their hands, in exchange for £70 million of course, but their gaze is fixed firmly on Brazilian man-o’-sex Robinho, who is being kept under lock and chain in Madrid. Kaka has always been considered the better of the two, but that crazy mofo Scolari and his Russian backer may think otherwise.

Shaun Wright-Phillips to Portsmouth
Some managers like to speak in code about their transfer targets, dropping hints but making the press do the hard work. Not Harry Redknapp. He’s made it clear all summer that he wants Ian Wright’s favourite Chelsea player at Fratton Park and

German-accented moaning overheard at the Bridge

In this deceitful world, The Spoiler feels proud to be discreet. We don’t go around blurting about everyone’s business, which is why we’re not going to tell you which talented German in the Chelsea ranks has got his knickers in a twist over playing for the club. The brunette in question has been rocked by the arrival of Deco, Lampard’s lack of departure, and is apparently facing another season attempting to break free from the bench. After a decent season, he probably thought he’d proved his point, but the whisper is that Scolari is more inclined to the Lampsie/Deco combo. At 31-years-old, the mystery player’s days in the sun are numbered, so it looks like he might be flying himself and his new wife, Mrs Ballack, to another club/country before the summer’s out.

Humble Blues gaffer implies Robinho will be joining a lesser club

Luiz Felipe Scolari had already played down the idea that he is a ‘Special One’, and in a press conference yesterday, he delivered a hard truth an opinion that will have made Chelsea’s PR team drop their clipboards, bluetooth headsets and double orange mocha frappuccinos in shock:

“Robinho is a great player, a very good player who plays in the best team in the world, Real Madrid. One of the best teams in the world. And also in the national team of Brazil. But we will see.”

Nice recovery, Phil. Who were the other best teams you were thinking of? Barcelona? Manchester Utd?

[The Guardian]

West Ham boss could be granted the first P45 of the season

Every season, punters stake a significant amount on the first managerial sacking, but in the opast few years, the bookies have been clearing up. Who could have seen bumbling clowns Sammy Lee and Chris Hutchings outlasting two-time Premier League winner Jose Mourinho? And the year before did anyone really see Charlton, having stood by Alan Curbishley for 15 years, sacking Iain Dowie just three months into the season? Curbishley is the unlucky favourite this year (5/1, bet here), but in preparation for a big shock, chickendinner have surveyed all of the sack race contenders…

Alan Curbishley

» West Ham’s last two managers - Glenn Roeder and Alan Pardew - were both sacked in the first half of the season.

» Glenn Roeder was sacked after just two games in his third season in charge in 2003. This will be Curbishley’s third season at West Ham.

» However, West Ham have only had eleven full-time managers in their 113-year history - no other Premier League club has had fewer.

» Three managers have left West Ham while they were a Premier League club - Billy Bonds, Harry Redknapp and Alan Pardew - but of those only Pardew was removed in the middle of a season.

Kevin Keegan

» All seven full-time Newcastle Premier League managers have left in the middle of the season.

» Newcastle have ridiculously sacked three managers in August over the last past ten years - Dalglish, Gullit and Robson - winning the sack race on each occasion.

» Keegan has a track record for resigning mid-campaign. He left the England job in the middle of qualifying for the 2002 World Cup and he left both Newcastle and Man City mid-season.

» But Keegan has never spent less than a year at a club, which would mean staying on until January 16. By that point last season, eight managers had left their club.

Gary Megson

» Megson is the only of the five

This morning’s rumours, gossip and damned lies

In a crushing blow for fans of overweight Brazilians, it is being reported on the AC Milan website that a deal has been agreed to bring Ronaldinho to the San Siro this coming season. Just to rub it in, it’s thought that Milan aren’t even offering Barca as much cash, and Ronny’s agent brother claimed he had negotiated a £25m deal with Citeh just yesterday. Still, it could all be a blessing in disguise - the podgy one, pictured above with AC Milan bigwig Adriano Galliani, would have undoubtedly capsized the trawler on the way to the Faroe Islands tomorrow…

Valon Behrami to West Ham
The right-back known as the “Swiss David Beckham” has invoked another weird contract clause that will allow West Ham to sign him for £1.5 million rather than the £11 million Lazio have demanded. It casts doubts over the future of captain Lucas Neill, who may ruin the party for City fans happy they avoided Ronaldinho.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: If the Daily Mail are actually printing something positive about West Ham, it must be true

Anton Ferdinand rejects Newcastle
Newcastle’s madcap scheme of basing their transfer recruiters in London hasn’t helped them bring in any defenders this summer. First, Richard Dunne decided he’d rather win his thousandth player of the season award at Man City and now Soulja Boy Ferdinand has decided that not even the Newcastle nightlife is enough to make playing with Joey Barton sound tempting.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: West Ham seem happy to lose Anton but he doesn’t want to go

Tal Ben-Haim to Man City
Slimeball Peter Kenyon is still laughing after flogging flop Steve Sidwell for £5 million

Chelsea gaffer’s past uncovered in rare snapshot

Can you guess which of these players is Luiz Felipe Scolari? Hint: It’s the guy who looks exactly like Luiz Felipe Scolari does today.

The Chelsea gaffer played for four Brazilian clubs (Caxias, Juventude, Novo Hamburgo and CSA) during the seventies and eighties, and was known as an ‘uncompromising’ defender. His game centred around brute force rather than skill, and was therefore affectionately known as ‘wooden leg’.

Big Phil hasn’t been getting more aggressive with age - he was frequently criticised by the Brazilian media for getting into brawls during matches.

[Chelsea Pies]

Stamford bridge to host a home defeat before November

Remember February 15th 2004? [Actually, it was February 21st. Obviously we don’t remember it too well - Ed.] On that day, Dennis Wise’s Millwall were months away from an FA Cup Final and England had qualified safely for the summer’s European Championship. In the Premiership, Arsenal beat Claudio Ranieri’s Chelsea 2-1 at Stamford Bridge, and brought themselves a step closer to becoming unbeaten champions. This was Chelsea’s last domestic home loss in 90 minutes.

Months later, Jose Mourinho swept into West London and seduced fans with his irresistible charm and boring football, and in three years his only home losses came to Barcelona in the Champions League and, more embarrassingly, Charlton in a League Cup penalty shootout.

Avram Grant arrived with a lot less gusto last season but even he, considered by most Chelsea fans as a Boris Johnson-esque bumbling clown, kept the unbeaten run alive.

But the amazing run started to become a strain, as highlighted in struggles against Aston Villa and Arsenal, and while it was unthinkable Chelsea would lose a home league game under Mourinho, it became an imminent threat under The Toad.

Considering Chelsea’s first five home opponents next season, Luiz Felipe Scolari will have to perform remarkably well to see Chelsea out of October with the home record intact.

First up is Portsmouth, who will no doubt be buoyed

Koreans can enjoy an oven-based meal endorsed by top manager

As Roman Abramovich pines away on his yacht, wishing he’d brought the Russian manager to Chelsea instead of Gene Hackman, I’d like to think he and WAG Daria Zhukova console themselves with a Hiddink flavoured pizza.

[Chelsea Pies]

German aerial strikes too much for Big Phil’s side

If you listened to chickendinner’s astute advice, you would have come away from last night’s quarter-final match a little richer. As the betting genii predicted, Ballack’s men were far too strong for Portugal, and as I predicted, Ronaldo waited less than a few minutes after the final whistle to start harping on about Real Madrid.