Man allows woman out of cage… for a bit

Footballers are adored by women. You’ve seen them, hanging around in clubs, sweeping up girls like they were big bosomy clumps of dust and they were the world’s most efficient vacuum cleaner. Hence, they can get away with all sorts of strange demands when they’re on holiday with their eager sexual partners.

Wayne Rooney famously insists on sitting motionless in swimming pools for entire weeks. Rio Ferdinand likes to do his drinking in the sea. But stranger and more outrageous than anyone The Spoiler’s witnessed this summer is Luka Modric - the gifted Croatian winging his way to Spurs this season.

A perfectly able-bodied young footballer, he demands that his bikini’d girlfriend, Vanja Bosnic, helps with his suncream application. What’s wrong with that? You probably just yelled at your computer, punching your desk as hard as you could. Well, he insists that she even covers his front bits, from chest to stomach - places he could easily reach using his own greasy hands.

Poolside behaviour has never been stranger or more demeaning.

Another shocking picture after the jump.

These men stepped up to the plate, brought their A game, gave it 110 per cent etc…

As everyone knows, the semi finals and finals of important competitions are an appalling waste of time. Everyone’s too frightened to touch the ball, to the point where grown men just gather around staring at each other, too paranoid to even speak. Hence, the team of the tournament has been chosen based on the real football that The Spoiler has already witnessed…

GK Iker Casillas (Spain)
For single handedly snatching football glory away from the Italians, and looking a little bit like a child attempting to grow a beard. Out-goallied Buffon.

DL Yuri Zhirkov (Russia)
Once you’ve finished rolling around on the floor in hysterics because his name sounds a little bit like “jerk off”, you’ll notice that he’s been a prince amongst left backs. Brilliant.

DC Giorgio Chiellini (Italy)
Whilst it made for the most face-scratchingly boring non-England match since Glasgow Women’s Deaf and Dumb Wheelchair Team took on the local hospice’s Coma XI, don’t forget that the Italian defence was brilliant. Particularly this man.

The Spoiler considers the top flight’s finest in Austria/ Switzerland

Although England fans will not get a chance to make fools of themselves on the streets of Vienna, the best league in the world is very well represented at the European Championships. With this in mind, The Spoiler has whittled down the top flight’s best imports to form some kind of monolith XI of continental talent. And Petr, you may have more arms than a Vishnu God, but you’re on the bench for this one…

Jens Lehmann
Forget the increasingly gaffe-prone Petr Cech, Lehmann is the guy to watch. He won’t be a Premier League player next season but he has a point to prove and could well lift the trophy.

Patrice Evra
Ridiculously, he still isn’t a regular in the French team, but a lack of Premier League left-back’s potentially up for selection in this XI means he creeps in ahead of Alvaro Arbeloa.

William Gallas
When he’s not sulking, Gallas is actually a pretty good defender and France will be relying on him being back to his best if they are to challenge.

Ricardo Carvalho
John Terry’s better half will be keen to show he can perform just as well without the blubbering wreck by his side.

Of course, miserly Arsene Wenger is not a man to splash the cash. Or so everyone thought yesterday. Today it transpires that the scholarly French gentlemen forks out astonishing amounts of money on young players, and now he’s barged the big guns at Man United out of the way to sign Lyon youngster Hatem Ben Arfa.

The zippy left winger was supposed to be heading off to United for £14.4 million, but the player has confirmed that he talked with Arsenal, and may yet be off to North London instead for around £16 million - which is £500 zillion in Wenger currency.

“Today I am at Lyon, we will see what tomorrow is made of,” said Ben Arfa, steeping his sentence in gorgeous mystery.

Middlesbrough managed to pull themselves away from a relegation scrap at the right time, but they’ll have just enough rope to hang themselves next season if they bring Paul Robinson on board. Here’s today’s rumours from the north east and beyond:

Thierry Henry to Arsenal
While the BBC have shown us video of Henry himself saying the only Premier League club he would play for is Arsenal, The Sun chose to print a quote-free, substance-free story insisting he was going to Newcastle to be the new Alan Shearer. Bad timing, red top rumour monkeys.

Antonio Valencia to Liverpool
It must have been a nervy morning for Liverpool fans as they heard Rafa Benitez wanted to sign a Wigan player - “please don’t bring Heskey back” - luckily for them, Rafa is looking to sign his hundredth winger instead.

Aaron Lennon to Manchester City
City have never really got over the loss of Shaun Wright-Phillips to Chelsea’s reserve team, so now they plan to bring in the half-an-inch shorter replica.

Paul Robinson to Middlesbrough
Gareth Southgate has shown what he learnt when playing under Steve McLaren by choosing to replace his Champions League-bound keeper Mark Schwarzer with the seemingly Championship-bound

Wow, what a week of football. First Liverpool and Chelsea proved that it wasn’t just a coincidence that people start gouging their own eyes out whenever they play, then Man United and Barcelona strove to make a potentially exciting game completely rubbish. Congrats guys, mission accomplished. Still, we don’t totally hate football yet, and some crazy transfer talk has been filtering in aaaall morning…

Darren Bent to West Ham
The ghost of Darren Bent has been whispered to be returning to haunt his old boss. Spurs will then spend all of next season scratching their heads and debating why there is now a spare hook in the dressing room.

Luka Modric to Newcastle
Modric could have his pick of any Premier League club this summer, but his mum has spoken to Mark Viduka’s mum, and they want their boys to look after each other next season. Luka, of course, didn’t ask to be born, and will be found moping around the centre circle with luminous yellow snot on his brow.

El-Hadji Diouf to Manchester City
El-Hadge looks Manchester bound, which, he’ll be pleased to know, is about spitting distance from Bolton.