Men with tempers, stop reading now…

It’s that heady time of summer when the transfer window edges open, and swathes of footballers are given permission to seek a better life away from whatever Siberian/Spanish/Newcastle Hell-hole they’ve been rotting in for the last few years. They get to negotiate sparkling new deals, cast off the cobwebs and move happily into a new chapter of their great lives. So why can’t football fans?

Why can’t the simple man on the street renegotiate his allegiance to, say, Wigan, and head off to the shops to buy himself a bright red Man United jumper, politely inform his family and friends that he now wants to be known as “Red Phil” as opposed to “Wigan Phil”, and then spend next season getting into fights over Wayne Rooney, all the while enjoying some actual joy in his life for the first time. Possibly ever. Is it too much to ask? Is it?

Please Wayne, do SOMETHING!

Okay, now we’re all starting to feel awkward. Last week, The Spoiler showcased Wayne Rooney’s unbelievable lack of imagination as he and his new bride, Coleen, spent the first three days of their honeymoon languishing in the hotel pool until their entire bodies wrinkled like stewed prunes. But shockingly it didn’t end there. They’re still at it!

For Christ’s sake, hurry up and start Premier League season - these long watery silences are becoming unbearable!

Disturb yourself with pictures of Day Four and Day Five after the jump.

We give it three years… tops

Wise men say that the key to a long happy marriage is variety. You need to mix it up. Of course, we would all like to eat ham and chips every day, and make great missionary love by night, but women are complicated creatures. They actually like change.

So, great big alarm bells have started sounding as more and more pictures of Wayne and Coleen’s swish Vegas honeymoon keep appearing on the internet. It’s about a week into their marriage and they’ve already run out of things to do. Lounging by the pool was a fantastic idea on day one, Wayne - truly inspired - but it’s now been three whole days. Ronaldo would be spinning in his grave. Were he dead.

Witness the shocking pictures after the jump…

Ahhh, so this is how the other half live…

It’s no great secret that Wayne Rooney spent his childhood wearing rags and hoofing stones around Liverpool council estates, while over in Portugal Ronaldo’s family were so subservient and caught up in the 1980s that they even named their son after the US President, Ronald Reagan. The world, in short, was against these boys from the get-go.

In a parallel universe somewhere, Rooney is no doubt communicating in the mixture of coughs, snorts and hacks that make up the unemployed scouse dialect, while Ronaldo is standing alone in nightclubs watching jealously as all the other guys get the girls, and he has to go home with nothing but a cupful of his own tears and a massively long neck. But look at them now - both classy, both amazing. Begging the important question: who’s classier?

Say hello to Mr Stylish…

Sick of having no sense of style? Confused by Serena Williams wearing a mac on a boiling hot day? Of course you were, everyone was. But fashion need no longer be a dirty word used only by homosexual gentlemen and stylists, you too could be fashionable. Just do as Cristiano Ronaldo and his gym-ravaged girlfriend, Nereida Gallardo, do.

So first in your suitcase this summer…

HIM: Rosary beads (plastic), mirrored shades, red cap (NB. MUST BE BACKWARDS), flippy-floppies, white hotpants.

HER: White bikini, tiny head, slippers, sweatband (NB. Must fit head), tracing paper nightie (pink), tattooed groin (optional).

Happy shopping, folks!

More great/disturbing pics after the jump

Sexy couple goes sunbathing, people take pictures

Caught in the whirlwind of a Ferguson rage, about to embark on a mission entitled “turn all Man United fans against me”, only recently spat out of Euro 2008 and straight into The Spoiler’s most disappointing XI, Cristiano Ronaldo would be wise to rest up while he can. And so he has. In boiling hot Italy no less, with the sturdy young woman currently lugging around his heavy heart in her back pocket. Her name, of course, is Nereida Gallardo - you probably know her as the most popular WAG on the planet. Regardless of the fact that she has the look of a woman who likes her eggs raw and by the dozen.

More steamy holiday pics after the jump.

They’re a disgrace, a big revolting disgrace…

Okay, we’ve drooled enough over the Arshavins and the David Villas, now it’s time to load up the claws and get stuck into some massive Euro 2008 flops. These men should think about getting a new day job - especially you, Ronaldo, or whatever your name is! What’s that? It is Ronaldo? Yeah, well…. shut up!

GK Petr Cech (Czech Republic)
His mistakes were costly, the hat looks stupid, and he’s getting more and more grumpy - starting to resemble the world’s most sullen gimp.

DL Paulo Ferreira (Portugal)
Lack of match practice and being played out of position made Ferreira appalling against the Germans. Needs to locate his footballing ability.

DC Lilian Thuram (France)
In fairness, he should never have been there. Too old for the modern speedsters with their shiny trainers and spikey hairstyles. Someone needs to tell him to stop.

Just when you thought it was safe to go into Israel

Women of Tel Aviv, is this the face of your 2008 holiday romance? Or might you get particularly drunk and make a big big mistake?

Talented footballer knows no shame

Pictured, friends, is an enormous breach of international hotel etiquette - you don’t wander around swishy hotels (namely The Crowne Plaza in Moscow) willy-nilly in just your pants. And yet, that’s exactly what cocky winger Cristiano Ronaldo is doing here, as if he is somehow above the law.

Awww, don’t cry Tottenham fans, we didn’t mean it (we did)

Something about the way Alex on The Apprentice started weeping and pointing at other people the minute anyone dared question his business acumen, even just slightly, suggests that he will one day make an absolutely tremendous football manager. He’s got it all - the quivering lip, the total lack of humility, everything!

Which got The Spoiler to thinking. Alex is a sensitive soul - some would say a pillock - but who else is sensitive? And, more specifically, what sets of football fans are the most fragile and Alex-like? The answer was, of course, simple: Spurs fans.
Go anywhere in the world, and you’ll find a delicate Tottenham supporter launching into an angry rage about Berbatov and why people should leave him alone (most of the time completely unnecessarily), or aggressively lampooning Sol Campbell, totally unaware that even Sol - the planet’s most fragile and nervous centre back - has put the whole nasty business behind him already. And God forbid anyone ever say the Arse word.

But, before Spurs fans start hysterically blubbing and screaming about how unfair that just sounded, stop - take a breath, wipe the drool from your tie and put the chair down. You’re not alone. Also registering high on the hurty-feelings scale are Newcastle’s finest/fattest - still convinced that Kevin Keegan is Jesus Christ, and it’s 1996 all over again - Man City fans (don’t