No, not that one. This one

Although one suspects it’s only a matter of time..

Coming to a computer near you…

Who is the trendiest of the sideline ranters? Clue - it’s not Martin O’Neill
( Unprofessional Foul )

A goal celebration more exciting than Alan Shearer’s
( 101gg )

Who confiscated Fergie’s chewing gum?
( Who ate all the Pies )

Daily Sceince - FIFA’s cunning new ruse to prevent cheats in junior football
( Off the Post )

And not content with living alongside a witch, Becks buys a pumpkin to prepare for Halloween
( Off the Post )

The alternatives to watching a racist tonight

Heroin users regularly tell thespoiler, that following the intense euphoric rush as the drug first kicks in, comes a withdrawal period. Anxiety, depression, nausea and excessive yawning all follow in the next 24 hours. It’s easy to empathise on weeks like this.

The Champions League shows us a bit of leg on the Tuesday, even more on the Wednesday, but by Thursday, as the Europa League theme strikes up, the aforementioned symptoms are all too familiar.

At 6pm, two struggling sides meet on ITV4, as Lazio host Villareal, currently rock bottom of la Liga. At the same time on ESPN, Everton can continue their march towards the knock-out stages by taking care of former European giants Benfica.

At 8pm, three more matches to ignore in the competition that contains more groups than Simon Cowell’s record label. Martin Jol’s Ajax host Dinamo Zagreb, captained by former Liverpool scapegoat Igor Biscan. ITV4 are showing Celtic’s defeat at home to Hamburg whilst the match of the night is at the Cottage, where Roma come calling on Ch5. Feel free to insert your own Stan Collymore - Cottage related joke. Thespoiler never goes for the easy laugh.

For a better standard of football this evening, MUTV at 7 is the place to watch Manchester United Reserves tackle Blackburn’s second string

This one does exactly what it says on the tin

Who really wants to watch Chelsea win 1-0?

Another eight matches for your consumption this evening, although at least CSKA Moscow and Manchester United (5:30pm SS2) have the decency to kick off a little earlier for us armchair fans.

At 7:45, the two most successful clubs in European Cup history meet for the first time in almost seven years. Many expect Madrid to absolutely tank Milan, whilst in the other Group B fixture, Marseille will be collecting some Toblerone, and probably three points in Zurich.

Elsewhere, Besiktas go to Wolfsburg, whilst victory for Bordeaux at home to Bayern, could mean big trouble for Juventus, who themselves are at home to whipping boys Maccabi Haifa tonight.

For those without Sky Sports, Chelsea - Atletico is on ITV1 at 7:30, whilst the other Group D game tonight, Porto vs APOEL, should go largely unwatched.

As ever, predictions below…

UPDATE: Thespoiler has just been reminded that this year’s Champions League final is on a Saturday. Thank goodness Simon Cowell is usually on his holidays by then, or we may be looking forward to the first ever ITV2 Champions League final.

United stars reveal their inner selves. Sort of

The mind of a professional footballer is like a series of caves. Big, empty caves.

For example, who knew that goofy Cristiano Ronaldo (damn, he’s goofy) prefers tea to coffee! And how does Wayne Rooney manage to keep a straight face when he reveals that he wants to be a doctor? Answer: he doesn’t.

Meet the winner of the Ballon d’Or. He’s one humble mother

“Just take the damn photo already, so I can finish my cake. Jesus, you people make me sick.”

This shot of Cristiano Ronaldo posing with a young fan was taken after Sunday’s Manchester derby. Can you feel the sincerity?

To be fair to Ron - not something we would usually do - we understand if he was in a less-than-charitable mood, having been shown a red card (fairly, according to you) hours earlier.

With Man City hosting Man Yoo on Sunday, The Spoiler looks back at some memorable derby days

1. George Best vs Franny Lee, 1971
A six-goal thriller, notable for the contributions of a certain George Best and little Francis Lee. Vintage stuff.

More Manc magic below: