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David Beckham will sell anything with very little conviction - now he wants you to eat more fish [The Offside Rules]

Torres 7/2 to score three or more hat-tricks next season
[chickendinner Bet Blog]

Video vault: Deco’s wonder strike against Iran in World Cup 2006
[Machochip]

F1 British Grand Prix: Top 10 predictions
[Grid Crasher]

The Manchester City exodus begins
[Caught Offside]

Video: The Ernst Happel stadium, which hosted the Euro 2008 final, has a dark history
[The Beautiful Game]

Glamour tie against Faroe Islands side encounters problems

Yesterday we told you how Manchester City’s forthcoming UEFA Cup home tie has been moved to Barnsley’s Oakwell Stadium because soft rockers Bon Jovi tore up the pitch.

The July 17th away leg against Faroese side EB/Streymur has also had to be moved, as their tiny picturesque Við Margáir stadium holds just 1,000 people. This is obviously not enough to cope with Manchester City’s travelling army, plus the expense fishing all of Darius Vassell’s wayward shots out of the sea was deemed far too high. As Mark Hughes was less than happy about kicking off his City managerial debut in a location where the most viable means of transport is a mountain goat, the tie will now be played at one of the bigger grounds of the tiny Danish province.

More pictures of their charming little stadium after the jump…

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It looks like Francesco Totti is having a torrid time during the summer break [spotted at Kickette]

Why Real Madrid will win La Liga again
[chickendinner]

Stupid man misses marathon world record by stopping 0.3 miles short
[WithLeather]

Video: Fernando Torres scoring at 12 years old
[Pies]

Lewis Hamilton voted F1’s top Playboy ever
[Grid Crasher]

Bon Jovi ruin the pitch at the City of Manchester Stadium
[SportsbyBrooks]

Footballer refuses to end holiday and aid criminal proceedings

Portsmouth defender Sylvain Distin will be hauled before a judge for contempt of court as he refused to give evidence in Joey Barton’s recent trial. The stand against the court order didn’t represent a show of solidarity for his former team mate or a moral objection to the British judicial system - the Frenchman had much more pressing matters to attend to:

“You can lock me up for ten years, I’m not coming back off my holiday.”

[The Sun]

Today’s transfer gossip, rumours and damn lies

Last night, Avram Grant revealed on Israeli TV last night that Chelsea are after Yuri Zhirkov, rather than current soup du jour Andrei Arshavin. Quite how the Toad would be privy to this information and be in a position to reveal it on television is beyond us, but it would be highly titillating to hear Londoners shouting “Jerkoff!” in unison next season…

The Cristiano Ronaldo saga latest
A shocking development today, as The Sun have actually given Spain’s victory prominence and kept Ronaldo off their back page. Fear not though, he’s still on the front. Nothing has changed: Queiroz admitted contracts mean nothing in football and Real Madrid are waiting for Man United to do something.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: This story still has months to run

Ronaldinho to reject Manchester City
Nobody will be too shocked to hear that Ronaldinho isn’t quite so keen to move to Manchester after all, though what is slightly surprising is that the Brazilian has reportedly set his heart on staying at the Nou Camp.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Guardiola may want

The Red Devils may have an extra £80m to play with

After exposing the gaps the five London clubs and the Prem newbies need to fill, we have now condiered the manner in which Manchester Utd and Liverpool should redistribute their cash this summer…

Manchester Utd

Top priority:
The best deal for Ronaldo - If he wants out, get shot of him. If United demand big money, Real Madrid are likely to agree and if not, they keep him.
Fergie should demand Wesley Sneijder, who has outperformed Ronaldo at the Euros, in exchange and then use the remaining money to buy another striker.

Fitting the bill: Wesley Sneijder, Dani Guiza, Luis Fabiano, Dimitar Berbatov

Liverpool

Top priority:
A quality winger - Liverpool already boast Gerrard, Mascherano, Alonso, Lucas and Plessis in central midfield so it’s confusing that they make Barry the main priority. Babel is quality, but Kuyt’s a striker and Benayoun and Pennant aren’t good enough.

Fitting the bill: Aiden McGeady, Franck Ribery, Robinho, David Bentley

Spoiler bonus: Here’s who should be on the shopping lists of the other two Merseyside and Manchester clubs…

Everton

Top priority:
A new Lee Carsley -

Hairless man linked with job because he speaks Portuguese

The BBC are telling us that Coventry assistant manager Steve Kean is being lined up for the number two job at Chelsea. It’s not because of the wealth of experience he has gathered at the likes of Fulham and Real Sociedad, but pretty much just because he can speak Portuguese:

Chelsea are set to open talks with Coventry on a potential offer for Kean’s services, but he told BBC Scotland he was eager to avoid troublesome contractual issues.

“It probably makes sense, because I can speak Portuguese, but I don’t want to say to much without getting anyone into trouble,” added Kean.

In other news, Paul Ince is about to be announced as Blackburn boss because he once did some GCSE coursework on the Industrial Revolution in Lancashire, and Ronaldinho is off to Milan because he finds it easier to pronounce than ‘Manchester City’.

Angry bonus: As The Guardian rightly say, finding footage of Big Phil losing his temper is a bit like falling asleep listening to Coldplay. Check out the last minute of this video for lots of angry finger pointing and mad staring eyes…

Today’s transfer rumours, some more ridiculous than others

Despite possessing a questionable state of mental health, a low quality tabloid has linked the man who drunkenly gave me a tenner on my tenth birthday (true story) with a managerial job in the Philippines. Frankly, there’s a better chance of Jermain Defoe declaring a vow of abstinence, but the rest of today’s rumours have a little more substance…

Paul Gascoigne to the Phillippines
The seldom-reliable Daily Star claim that The Phillippines want to ‘rescue’ Gazza by making him the manager of their national team. There must be logic in that idea somewhere but we’re not going to bother guessing what it is.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Ludicrous idea if true

David Bentley to Everton
Bentley’s bold transfer request might not have panned out as he intended it to. It’s not Liverpool and Chelsea throwing pound notes at him to seduce him, it’s Aston Villa and Everton.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: We still expect Chelsea to make a move

Ronaldinho to LA Galaxy
Forget about Barcelona, forget about Chelsea, hell, even forget about Manchester City. Despite only being 28, Ronaldinho

Blackburn not good enough for inexperienced MOTD pundit

The Daily Telegraph are today reporting that Alan Shearer may turn down the chance to succeed Mark Hughes because he “is not convinced that Blackburn would be the right place for him.”

Yes that’s right, a man whose post-retirement career has relied on professionally stating the bleedin’ obvious (and making Mark Lawrenson’s analysis seem groundbreaking in comparison) on Match of the Day could turn down the seventh-best team in the Premier League because they aren’t ‘right’ for him.

In comparison, the candidates who could miss out because of Shearer’s apparent God-given right to a top job are Sam Allardyce, who took Bolton to a League Cup Final and into Europe, and Paul Ince, who since retiring has knuckled down and spent 18 months overachieving with Franchise FC in League Two, winning two trophies.

Shearer also appears ignorant of the opportunities afforded to Blackburn managers - the last two

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Today’s links are brought to you in association with Parents Magazine. Best magazine cover ever? Yes, best magazine cover ever.

Every game of Euro 2008 is available in full on the brilliant BBC iPlayer. The only downside is you must listen to Shearer’s inane punditry
[BBC]

The definitive Euro 2008 London pub guide
[Sniffing the Touchline]

Steven Gerrard’s topless karaoke sesh
[Kickette]

Lewis Hamilton is slower than a Canadian Beaver
[Grid Crasher]

Manchester City offer Ronaldinho £200k a week - worst buy ever?
[Pies]

Tennis: make money on the Stella Artois Championship
[chickendinner]