Football fan exposes C-Ron conspiracy, his own social ineptness

[101 Great Goals]

United Gaffer’s nonsense comments come back to haunt him

March 2008: Alex Ferguson is the first to support the FA’s Respect Campaign following Ashley Cole’s controversial booking at White Hart Lane:

“Haranguing referees is ridiculous. Since the Andy D’Urso incident some years ago, we have not done anything like that. Respect for referees is absolutely correct.”

April 2008: Manchester Utd players ‘harangue’ referee Alan Wiley for awarding Chelsea a perfectly legitimate penalty, and eight of Fergie’s men face FA Disciplinary charges for abusing fourth official Mike Riley in the tunnel.

The problem with women is that no one ever knows what they’re really up to. You return home from work with steaks wrapped in newspaper, and she tells you she’s had one hell of a day, what with this happening and that happening, and the hoover going berserk when the vicar was around. It feels like a web of lies, but she’s so damn pretty you daren’t say anything.

So, while Rooney was wasting his time in midfield last night, on a hiding to nowhere, was Coleen really toiling away, trying to get the house straight? Something tells us she was on a lilo in America, just floating around willy-nilly, probably on her mobile. Call it a hunch.

Another day, and the chattering voices have been spluttering about transfers. Next season, it appears we can expect at least one more talented Spaniard in our ranks, someone with a weird name, and two of Tottenham’s finest might relocate to the Midlands…

Aaron Lennon and Tom Huddlestone to Aston Villa
Martin O’Neill has clearly been studying Alex Ferguson’s 1990s blueprints as he continues his quest to build a young English side. Next on the menu - Quickie and Fattie from Spurs?

David Villa to Arsenal
The wealthy pockets of Chelsea have demanded him, but Villa has been overheard gushing about how cool Arsenal are. Might Arsene be tempted to unlock his wallet for this one? Around £20 million would do it - that’s seven Adebayors in Wenger speak.

Under-shirt messages are soooo last century

After scoring last night, Carlos Tevez lifted his shirt to reveal a birthday message to someone named Ariel. It’s a very sincere gesture in lieu of the more traditional birthday card, but does anyone actually do the novelty celebration anymore? His shirt scrawling and dummy sucking are all a little too reminiscent of Asprilla’s jersey on the goalpost, Fowler sniffing the touchline and Ian Wright whipping up his top to celebrate breaking the Arsenal goal scoring record.

And if you need anymore proof of Tevez’s appreciation of the decade gone by, check out his New Kids on the Block dance homage in an advert for the Cartoon Network:

Champions League, 7.45pm, ITV1, bet here

A bad day for polite society as word arrives that record immigration levels have brought the country no economic benefit. Where to stand? Put the fences up at Dover, but with exceptions for the house-cleaning and child-watching workforce? Or leave the flow unchecked - the quality of plumbing has never been higher - until the children’s places at secondary school are taken by out-of-towners, and then quietly phone the authorities? Probably best to just go back to bed.

While the politicians fret, however, Sir Alex Ferguson embarks on his own annual cultural exchange programme to Italy, including, for a select minority, a visit to a local hospital. United must be feeling that this is their year in Europe, with the last eight made up of three other English teams who currently lie beneath them, and four not particularly strong European sides, including a Barcelona in meltdown and a Roma missing Totti and Perotta. Not to mention it being the 50th anniversary of Munich. It’s Sir Alex’s for the taking. If he can just get his immigrants to do as they’re told.

The statistics

* United haven’t won on their last four visits to Italy, losing three and drawing one

Did the England captain get decked?

Rio Ferdinand turned up at Manchester Airport yesterday sporting a huge shiner on his left eye. His agent claimed he picked it up during the Aston Villa pummeling at the weekend, but John O’Shea was overheard asking him what had happened, and Rio evasively said: “I’ll tell you later.”

If it was picked up during a game, wouldn’t O’Shea have been aware of it, and wouldn’t Rio have delivered

Fergie’s boys on course to relive the magic of 1999

Tonight, Manchester Utd will face Roma for the 635th time this season and the papers are awash with premature celebrations on United’s behalf. With (arguably) the world’s best footballer, and a playing style that MOTD2’s Adrian Chiles compares to that of Brazil (”There’s not an international side in the world capable of beating United at the moment”), it seems that Bet365’s odds of 7/2 on a double will only get shorter.

But will they bottle it in the knockout stages of the Champions League again? Can Chelsea or Arsenal spoil their fun in the league? Get voting!

The Portuguese Man -o’-sex is putting them away for fun

If you didn’t put Cristiano Ronaldo in your Fantasy League team at the beginning of the season, the tricky Portuguese winger made you look like a damn fool by slotting home his 26th league goal against Villa on Saturday. But don’t worry, you’re not the biggest chump in this situation - he made Scott Carson look like pretty silly by slotting it home with a backheel from outside the six yard box.

England captain preoccupied by household furnishings

Speaking on BBC Five Live, Rio Ferdinand shared some reassuring words concerning the effect of Gary Neville’s injury on the Manchester United side:

“Giggsy has stepped in and taken up the mantelpiece”

He went on to say that Patrice Evra is doing well taking up the grandfather clock and the window sills are in good hands with Nemanja Vidic.

[Popbitch]