An emergency? Quick, call Captain Disaster!

If history has taught us anything, it’s that you need a steady hand to calm a maddening crowd. Not Terry Venables. His kindly demeanour and likable personality make him seem warm and cuddly - in fact, he’s a bit like Keegan, only without the crippling oversensitive side and relentless nervous breakdowns. But don’t be fooled by the warmth, people of Newcastle, the man is jinxed.

Wherever he goes, bad things happen. Remember Leeds United? Crystal Palace? Of course you don’t