They’re a disgrace, a big revolting disgrace…

Okay, we’ve drooled enough over the Arshavins and the David Villas, now it’s time to load up the claws and get stuck into some massive Euro 2008 flops. These men should think about getting a new day job - especially you, Ronaldo, or whatever your name is! What’s that? It is Ronaldo? Yeah, well…. shut up!

GK Petr Cech (Czech Republic)
His mistakes were costly, the hat looks stupid, and he’s getting more and more grumpy - starting to resemble the world’s most sullen gimp.

DL Paulo Ferreira (Portugal)
Lack of match practice and being played out of position made Ferreira appalling against the Germans. Needs to locate his footballing ability.

DC Lilian Thuram (France)
In fairness, he should never have been there. Too old for the modern speedsters with their shiny trainers and spikey hairstyles. Someone needs to tell him to stop.

All of today’s rumours in one easy-to-use list thing

Well that’s it, the football seasons have ended throughout Europe… sorry, hang on, what’s that Scotland? Yours hasn’t finished? Hmmm, is it going to be Rangers or Celtic? Well, there’s a shock. Some might argue that your football season never really starts or ends. But enough of this zany metaphysical talk, what’s been going on in Transfer Land?

Frank Lampard to Inter Milan
Whenever it sounds like Jose Mourinho is close to picking up his sheriffs badge and polishing his six shooter, ready to rejoin the world of the employed, everyone starts frothing at the mouth and insisting that, well, that’s it, Lampard and Drogba will definitely be going to Italy after all. He’s not their dad, you know.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Simple maths? Probably not, Columbo.

Mario Gomez to Newcastle
There is talk of Germany’s new star joining the pantheon of greats, like Jon-Dahl Tomasson, Albert Luque, Alan Smith, Warren Barton… the list is very long.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: One word Mario: don’t do it!