Some terribly childish fun with the Match of the Day team

[Pies]

Now that’s how you impartially report a game!

While Alan Shearer’s pseudo-analysis on Match of the Day fell well short of the mark again (his nervous stumbling and lack of insight gave the impression he had never appeared on television before), the chaps at Sky Sports did a superb job on Soccer Saturday.

The pace and excitement in the studio made for great viewing - just look how excited Phil Thompson gets about a team his club has no formal ties to.

We’re not entirely pleased with the folks at Sky, though. Remember last Tuesday when we analysed Chelsea’s form since Steve Clarke’s departure? Well look who did almost the exact same thing on Friday.

And yes, Lawro, we saw you reaching a similar conclusion over Mr Clarke on Football Focus too.

Tigers star tells compatriot Scolari that he’s going down

Excluding the final two games of the 2005-06 season when Chelsea had already won the title, the Blues haven’t lost consecutive Premier League games since March 2003 but Hull’s attacking midfielder Geovanni is certain that Hull will beat them tomorrow. He said:

“Big clubs should be wary of us because we are going to continue to surprise them.

“Chelsea will be next after Arsenal. The Blues have a tremendous squad but they just lost to Liverpool, which is a blow for their morale, so let’s take advantage of it.

“Scolari is a top coach and I do not doubt he will be a success at Chelsea, but I feel sorry for him because we are going to beat his team.”

Is Geovanni right? Will Gary Lineker again be forced to patronisingly congratulate tiny Hull on Match of the Day tomorrow night? Let us know what you think with a comment below.

Classic Alan, from his analysis of Liverpool-Wigan on Match of the Day

“There were terrific players on both sides, and I include Wigan in that.”

Hansen and Lawrenson “work rate” hits an all-time low

Match of the Day 2 received a couple of unwelcome visitors last night when a six-fixture Sunday meant BBC super-pundits Alan Hansen and Mark Lawrenson were forced to interrupt their golf schedule in preparation for spending the evening on the MOTD 2 sofas instead.

Adrian Chiles has done an excellent job of turning MOTD 2 into a brighter, cleverer and more informative spin-off, largely thanks to Lee Dixon’s critical input and an imaginative guest rotation policy. Hansen and Lawrenson, possibly fed up at being unable to adopt their customary lolling posture, given the more modern design of the Sunday seating, turned in one

Who saw this one coming?

Ever since Des Lynam slid into obscurity, only occasionally peeking above the bedsheets to host Countdown, the nation has been wondering whether Lineker will ever have the right quota of syrupy smoothness to truly replace him on MOTD. Yes, he has the oily legs, and the silver-fox hairstyle, but is he sexy enough? Judging by last night, watching a saluting Des and his busty woman sashaying up the red carpet for the Pride of Britain awards, the answer is “nope”. Not yet.

As for Gary’s lover, Danielle Bux, she would be wise to look at Lynam’s missus for tips on how to look terrifically sassy at an awards ceremony. Yes, people, that is a woman of a certain age sporting something a little bit see-through. Fantastic!

While everyone’s been distracted by the Tevez stuff, things have happened…

If anyone is proof that being a footballer makes your life tremendous, it’s Owen Hargreaves. Such a straight-faced young midfielder, were he not brilliant at sport, he has the look of a man who would mumble profanities about his boring office job, and down pints at the weekend until he was set to pass out. As it is, he gets to play for Man United, and when he’s not doing that he’s sprawled naked on satin sheets with only Zabeena Harris (pictured) for company. She is a present day model, who has been seen out and about in her pants (thanks Kickette). She’s his girlfriend.

Elsewhere in the world, Danielle Bux is getting all pumped up about her upcoming wedding to MOTD’s Ringo Starr look-a-like, Gary Lineker. A gaggle of grown men with big paparazzi cameras have been sprinting around after her as she makes various decisions about what gift demands she should make of her guests.

Witness the proof after the jump…

Newcastle and Manchester City have tried to monopolise the news this week - but they forgot about Ian Wright’s love for his country.

Back in April, Ian Wright decided his style of punditry was no longer suitable for Match of the Day. Their “jacket, shirt and tie” format just didn’t sit well with his own preferred newsboy cap approach to opinion-sharing, and neither did he relish ever again playing the “court jester” to whoever was yawning on the sofa. So he quit.

MOTD has continued to sink into its mire of blandness quite happily without Wright, but what of his valuable insight? Fortunately it can still be enjoyed on the pages of The Sun, where this week Wright lent his peerless analytical talents to tomorrow’s England game, which given all that has happened this week, feels as relevant and anticipated as the League One programme. Below is a summary of his thesis, which in contrast to the Premier League hysteria, reads like poetry from a more innocent age.

I am shocked that Michael Owen is not in the England squad.

He’s scored lots of goals and defenders fear speed and experience.