The latest transfer gossip, rumours and damned lies

Daniel Agger to Barcelona
Before last night’s epic battle at Stamford Bridge, Barcelona confirmed their interest in Liverpool’s Danish tattoo artist. According to The Daily Mail, his ability to bring the ball out of defence and set up attacks has impressed Pep Guardiola.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: Agger’s Anfield contract expires next year, and after attracting attention from the Catalan giants and AC Milan, the centre-back has admitted he is in no rush to reach a new agreement.

Mauro Zarate to Liverpool
According to this morning’s Sun, Liverpool are monitoring

If you’re reading this on Thursday morning, welcome brother/sister, the sun is still nice and shiny (although we just heard thunder) and free love rules. If it’s Thursday evening/ Friday morning, please help, we’re hiding in an alleyway just behind the office, and there’s a big guffawing clown with blonde hair stomping around saying he owns London and punching people in the face. Call the police.

The final day of freedom’s transfers read thusly:

Micah Richards to Manchester United
The growing hum in the north is that Micah Richards might dare to cross the City/United divide, and spend next season making Wes Brown totally regret signing a new contract. Apparently he has been sickened by his club’s treatment on gentle Sven - and for a humble £23 million, he may be keen to experience a whole new world of angry locals.

Leo Messi to Manchester United
The more sluttish United supporters have decided that Messi may actually be sexier than Ronaldo. The solution: dump Ronaldo, get Messi! They are naughty.

Michael Johnson to Arsenal
Arsene Wenger is so sick and tired of everyone telling him that no one in his side is from England, that he may yet be driven to buying Gareth Barry AND Michael Johnson in an unruly spending rage. Then everyone can shut up, and the promising midfielders can join Richard Wright and Francis Jeffers on the secret list of English players who shouldn’t have gone to Arsenal.