The Madridistas have found a new hero, says our Spanish media spy

If he scores against Villarreal tonight, Cristiano Ronaldo will make history, by becoming the first ever Real Madrid player to score in his first four consecutive league clashes. With the Primera season well underway, The Spoiler’s Real Madrid mole Valentine Fell tells us how the Spanish capital has responded since his ceremonious arrival…

The media
Despite the obligatory negative swipes he has been receiving, the press are desperate to speak to C-Ron: the ‘mixed zone’ at the Bernabeu turns into a full-on rugby-scrum every week in an attempt to get so much as a soundbite from him. There’s no doubt the city’s physiotherapists will be getting a few more visits in the coming months, due to the contortionist-like positions the media are having to put themselves in to get their mics anywhere near his little pocky face.

The Portuguese media
A batch of mentalists that warrant their own group. The press conferences are head-banglingly annoying as the Portuguese press seem to have camped out at Valdebebas (the team’s training ground) to ask every single player and staff member about the perma-tanned one. It’s a little like watching an overbearing parent at an open evening. The rest of the media are all waiting patiently for the player who blows his fuse first. My money is on Raul!

His teammates
Watching Cristiano in training is like watching a machine. Before

‘It was like a horror movie’

Granted, the scenes in East London last night were abhorrent and completely unwelcome in the game, but fans of both clubs who were present at Upton Park tell The Spoiler that they are fairly surprised by the over-the-top reaction and blanket coverage from the media*. Leading the hyperbolic pack are The Daily Mail, who temporarily cast aside stories about school fees, immigrants and fluffy kittens to print this gem:

West Ham could be thrown from the tournament after this, the ground could be closed.

No, Martin Samuel, the ground will not be closed and West Ham will not be thrown out of the Carling Cup. As a measure of our certainty, if either of those things happen, The Spoiler will actually go through the humiliating process of paying for a copy of your newspaper.

*We are aware that we have sort-of contributed to this melee, but hypercriticism is our bag, baby!

Tabloid guilty of taking words completely out of context

Headline on p50 of today’s Sun newspaper:

“Barton is offensive - Toon boss admits what we all know”

Actual Joe Kinnear quote within article:

“Joey is completely the opposite [to the defensive Nicky Butt]. Joey is more offensive. He likes to drive forward and link up play in the last third.”

Perhaps, Mr Kinnear, you should have stuck to your guns when you said you’d only talk to a couple of local papers.