Tomorrow’s headlines today…

Well, it’s finally happened, someone stumbled across a massive pile of bones and decided it was Bigfoot. Naturally, no one else has actually seen the remains, so we’ll just have to take their word for it. In the same way that you must trust The Spoiler when we tell you that we saw The Loch Ness Monster once. Honestly, it was huge. That’s how we knew what it was. Anyway, cynicism aside, here’s some of the weekend’s news in advance…

People power reigns supreme on Merseyside
All hell broke loose when Liverpool fans discovered that sponsors Carlsberg were planning on launching a special offer with The Sun whereby readers could claim a free pint - many fans, of course, still refuse to forgive the paper for their inaccurate reporting of the Hillsborough disaster. Hence, Carlsberg decided to pull out of the deal. So that’s Liverpool Fans 1, Thirsty Sun Readers 0.

Piz is off
Claudio Pizarro has left Chelsea on loan, but decided to challenge for a title with Werder Bremen rather than struggle to avoid relegation with Stoke or Hull. Of course, when Chelsea let anyone leave on loan, it’s code for “just go”.

Liverpool captain can now blast his guns in relative privacy

The papers this morning have been making a big fuss about the monstrous £350,00 gym Steven Gerrard is building in the garden of his monstrous £2m mansion in the Merseyside suburb of Freshfield: The Daily Mail questioned if any asylum seekers were hiding inside it, The Daily Express said it never would have been built if Princess Diana were still here, while The Sun didn’t find room to cover the story as they had exclusive pictures of someone who looked vaguely like Madeleine McCann in a playground in Outer Mongolia.

Residents have correctly complained that the ‘ASDA Supermarket’-style building is not in keeping with the tacky-looking prefab mansions beautiful local properties in the area, yet the biggest concern should be that WAG Alex Curran has insisted that a solarium is included in the complex. The orange glow coming off that girl can already be seen for several miles, and if she has a personal fake tan emporium at her disposal, Merseyside will probably experience something akin to permanent sunlight. And nobody wants that - it would really confuse the owls.

More pictures after the jump…