Ooh sorry, that should probably read “Messy”

Catalonian giants preparing for a mass exodus

Should you be wandering past a giant television set playing tonight’s Barcelona game, be sure to give it a quick glance and a nod, because chances are you won’t be seeing this group of players so spectacularly failing together again. It should never have been like this.

Taking their cue from the film Escape to Victory (Pele, Ardiles, Bobby Moore, Sly Stallone) or the Real Madrid “Galacticos” (Figo, Zidanne, Roberto Carlos, Beckham, Ronaldo, Raul), the Catalan side made big steps in building a superstar team, only to come hugely unstuck - realising that big names don’t always gel (Abramovich take note). Henry, Ronaldinho, Deco and Eto’o would be the star players at practically any other club in Europe, but Messi has seriously messed with their chi, and stolen their thunder… by being utterly brilliant. Hence, over the summer months expect to see them disbanding, all harrumphing off to different corners of Europe (mainly London) to be soaked in the kind of glory they demand.

Of the smaller names, defender Eric Abidal is rumoured to be Liverpool bound, Iniesta has been approached by Real Madrid – with gigantic figures like 60 million Euros being hurled around - and Zambrotta has failed to light up Spain regardless of his impressively sculpted mini-beard, and could be heading back to Italy where they love fashionably assembled stubble.

In between lovely slices of mango and giant slurps of caffeine-free Diet Coke, The Spoiler has perused and foraged the transfers underworld, and these gems were lurking in the shrubbery. So to speak.

Tony Adams to Arsenal
Hey what’s wrong Arsene? Feeling a wee bit sensitive because your attacking team has problems defending? Oh stop weeping, man, just get Tony Adams in to help you out! (Or so it would seem, apparently).

Kaka OR Leo Messi to Chelsea
Clearly learning nothing whatsoever from the Shevchenko debacle, Roman Abramovich has apparently declared that this summer he wants to hurl around £100 million, preferably in the direction of Kaka, or Messi… or Pele… or Maradona…

…And loads of other bizarre pointless stuff in new Pepsi advert

Usually, Pepsi adverts are great spectacles - previously, we’ve enjoyed Beckham in a Wild West shootout, and Roberto Carlos and co losing a game to a bunch of overweight Germans. The latest clip from the cola pushers, however, seems like a big ol’ mishmash of crap designed to get as many high profile names into a minute slot: Thierry Henry runs through the jungle in a dinner suit, Beckham as Indiana Jones mysteriously transforms into Cesc Fabregas, and Princess Frank gets all dolled up in a fetching little kimono. It really accentuates his hips, and black is a very flattering colour for the precious midfielder,

Could Kevin Keegan’s fantasy of signing the old crock come true?

Seems like Thierry Henry, signed with great fanfare during the summer as the best person to help return Barcelona’s foot to its rightful place on Real Madrid’s throat, is not having quite the desired effect on their fortunes. Neither Barcelona nor Mr Henry are particularly thrilled at this outcome. Henry’s former teammate, Robert Pires, who now trundles around at Villarreal, said at the weekend “If I told you Thierry was happy you’d call me a liar.”

Henry, who had to suffer the indignity of being substituted (something that never happened at Arsenal) in Saturday’s home defeat to Villarreal, left the stadium in a strop without waiting to say goodbye to his old chum. When Pires went to the dressing room to find him, the maestro had gone, although “He did leave me a shirt all nicely folded up,” said Pires.

The reasons for Henry’s failure to set the team on fire - although he is still the second top scorer - are: 1) Too many injuries, especially a serious back problem; 2) He’s being played out of position, and often