Surely this has got to be a poorly-timed April Fools’ prank

Newcastle are about to appoint Alan Shearer as manager until the end of the season, according to Sky Sports.

Doubts have been cast over whether Joe Kinnear is fit to fulfil all his managerial duties after undergoing heart surgery but Shearer has always been quick to dismiss speculation about him taking over in the past.

The Spoiler is still sceptical. Perhaps someone moved their clocks forward a few hours too many on Saturday night and got the timing of their wind-up wrong. Surely even Mike Ashley wouldn’t make such a risky and illogical decision and heighten Newcastle’s reputation as a laughing stock so close to April Fools’ Day.

UPDATE: BBC Sport’s news ticker now claims that they also understand Shearer is about to be appointed. Is this actually going to happen?

He’s not the messiah, he’s a very greedy boy

Hey, you love Jesus right? That’s because he was really cool about everything. But what if your nice beardy Jesus man had risen from the dead and returned to earth, livid and suing everyone - Judas, Peter, Herod, Buddha, Satan, Santa, everyone. Then where would your Christianity be? Yeah, exactly, you don’t know.

Which leads us seamlessly to Kevin Keegan, the Newcastle messiah, who is rumoured to be suing the club for £9 million in damages, sobbing about how he was unfairly dismissed, he didn’t want to sell Milner, it was all Llambias’ fault. Could his loyal apostles in the Toon Army really stand by him should he leave such a long smudge on the Newcastle history books?

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