Arsenal’s former shotstopper isn’t making friends at his new club

When mercenary Manchester City forward Robinho decided the most befitting method of transport he could take to the training ground was a helicopter, he faced only the wrath of those who disliked his vulgar moneybags attitude. Former Arsenal and current Stuttgart whinger Jens Lehmann, however, has infuriated an entire Bavarian town over his insistence on taking a chopper to work:

Lehmann and his family recently moved to the picturesque town alongside Lake Starnberg, but the ex-German keeper is not making any friends among the new neighbours, thanks to his habit of taking a noisy helicopter to his training in Stuttgart, 250km away.

On August 21, for example, he climbed into the waiting helicopter at 11am, took off for training, and returned making a racket at 8pm. Now

Midfield terrier has knackered knees

Forget Lampsie, Ballack, Drog-Drog - the player most likely to drag Chelsea through those stodgy mid-season blues has been Michael Essien, the Chelsea fans player of the season in 2006/2007, a human dynamo. Hence the Londoners (in the broadest sense) will surely suffer as the midfielder looks set to miss the majority of the season with a busted up leg.

On the plus side, does this now mean that Michael Ballack will unpack his suitcase and stay beyond Christmas? The German had been rumoured to be grumbling about his job security, what with Deco, Lampsie, Cole and Essien all really great footballers challenging for a mini-handful of spots, but now it looks like he might have a few months coasting along in the starting line-up.

That’ll put the smile back on his half-sneering face.

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Robinho wants to make it quite clear that he didn’t move to Manchester City for the money, which is why he took a helicopter to training this week
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Is this the best team in the Premier League?

Make no mistake, friends, the ‘Big Four’ are so-called because they’re brilliant. So brilliant that were you to merge them all together to create a “best of” team, some huge names would fall by the wayside. We are, of course, referring to the likes of Craig Lindfield, Andriy Voronin, Justin Hoyte, Darren Fletcher, Shaun Wright-Phillips. Just some of the football legends who didn’t make the cut.

GK Petr Cech (Chelsea)
No longer the best in the world, not even the best in Premier League - Friedel, James and Given are better. But he is the strongest in the top four, despite a horrendous Euro 2008. Should his terrible run of luck with facial injuries continue, he should end the season playing in a humiliating gimp mask.

DL Patrice Evra (Man United)
After an appalling debut (losing 3-1 to Man City, coming off at half time), Evra suddenly morphed into a fantastic player. Some might argue that Cole or Clichy are more deserving of the spot, but they’re wrong. Cole would bring the whole dressing room down with his awful personality, and Clichy is behind Evra in the France pecking order.

DC Rio Ferdinand (Man United)
It’s easy to forget that underneath the silly record labels, the totally pointless “merking” and the strange skew-whiff mouth, Rio Ferdinand is just a man, standing in front of you, asking you to tell him he’s brilliant at football. Don’t worry, Rio, you are. In fact, you’re our cap-i-tan.

WARNING! Some of these men are old enough to be your brother…

At 66-years-old, Sir Alex Ferguson still knows how to ruffle some feathers and get some backs up. Just this morning he studied the horizon to make sure Scholes and Giggs were out of earshot, and then let rip at Chelsea for being a bunch of bleeding pensioners. The Spoiler is, of course, paraphrasing. But it was a bit like that.

Here’s the big question: How would this team of doddering old fools get on against the younger bucks? Pretty well, we think…

GK Shay Given (32, Newcastle)
Aww, we remember little Seamus when he was just a fresh faced little bunny rabbit playing for Newcastle United, and now look at him - absolutely the same. It’s like the man sleeps in Oil of Olay (or Ulay to people in their 30s). One of the best around.

DL William Gallas (30, Arsenal)
Yes, the snappy defender would probably have one of his toddler tantrums about having to play left back, but it was either him or Phil Neville, and we’re not going to make that mistake again. Just do as you’re told, Gallas, you idiot.

DC Jamie Carragher (30, Liverpool)
Contrary to how it sounds, when Jamie Carragher stands in front of you snorting, hacking and clearing his throat, he’s actually speaking. Thankfully, his on-field communication is much less foggy. A hero.

DC Ricardo Carvalho (30, Chelsea)

A case of mistaken identity?

Of course, the big news from the weekend - totally ignored by pretty much everyone - was that Rose West was allowed out of prison to attend Michael Ballack’s wedding to his sweetheart, Simone. The pair tied the proverbial knot at Lake Stamberg in Germany, and look, there she is, there’s Rose, standing hauntingly by the car.

At least, we think it’s her.

These men stepped up to the plate, brought their A game, gave it 110 per cent etc…

As everyone knows, the semi finals and finals of important competitions are an appalling waste of time. Everyone’s too frightened to touch the ball, to the point where grown men just gather around staring at each other, too paranoid to even speak. Hence, the team of the tournament has been chosen based on the real football that The Spoiler has already witnessed…

GK Iker Casillas (Spain)
For single handedly snatching football glory away from the Italians, and looking a little bit like a child attempting to grow a beard. Out-goallied Buffon.

DL Yuri Zhirkov (Russia)
Once you’ve finished rolling around on the floor in hysterics because his name sounds a little bit like “jerk off”, you’ll notice that he’s been a prince amongst left backs. Brilliant.

DC Giorgio Chiellini (Italy)
Whilst it made for the most face-scratchingly boring non-England match since Glasgow Women’s Deaf and Dumb Wheelchair Team took on the local hospice’s Coma XI, don’t forget that the Italian defence was brilliant. Particularly this man.

German aerial strikes too much for Big Phil’s side

If you listened to chickendinner’s astute advice, you would have come away from last night’s quarter-final match a little richer. As the betting genii predicted, Ballack’s men were far too strong for Portugal, and as I predicted, Ronaldo waited less than a few minutes after the final whistle to start harping on about Real Madrid.

Lahm’s lady isn’t in Ballack’s good books

If Captain Serious Michael Ballack gets his way, German WAGs will be rushed back over the border to their homeland quicker than you can say “du werdest einer Krankenschwester brauchen.” Ballack’s proposed WAG ban is bad news for the likes of Nicola Valentina, who may not be able to see her Bayern Munich defender boyfriend Philipp Lahm until the end of the tournament.

Simone Lambe and Petra Frings told to stay at home

Last week, we revealed that Croatia is a Pro-WAG nation - players have been banned from seeing friends at their Euro 2008 camp, but have been permitted as many conjugal visits as they please. As a result, they’ve pulled off a perfect record, including a shock victory over the Germans.

Despite this shining example of WAGs working in perfect harmony with a national side, Michael Ballack has declared war on his nations supporting ladies, insisting they are the reason behind Germany’s shaky start:

Skipper Michael Ballack is furious that his team-mates have been seeing too much of their wives and girlfriends.

Ballack and his senior sidekick Torsten Frings were still fuming that the rest of the squad spent the day after their defeat against Croatia last week - which left their quarter-final place

German captain sends the hosts packing

While dismissed Germany coach Adrien Brody Joachim Loew was kickin’ it with German chancellor Angela Merkel in the stands, Michael Ballack was busy blasting a 30-yard free kick won by Philipp Lahm.

Speaking of Philipp Lahm, why not enter our competition to win yourself a copy of Jumper here.

The Spoiler considers the top flight’s finest in Austria/ Switzerland

Although England fans will not get a chance to make fools of themselves on the streets of Vienna, the best league in the world is very well represented at the European Championships. With this in mind, The Spoiler has whittled down the top flight’s best imports to form some kind of monolith XI of continental talent. And Petr, you may have more arms than a Vishnu God, but you’re on the bench for this one…

Jens Lehmann
Forget the increasingly gaffe-prone Petr Cech, Lehmann is the guy to watch. He won’t be a Premier League player next season but he has a point to prove and could well lift the trophy.

Patrice Evra
Ridiculously, he still isn’t a regular in the French team, but a lack of Premier League left-back’s potentially up for selection in this XI means he creeps in ahead of Alvaro Arbeloa.

William Gallas
When he’s not sulking, Gallas is actually a pretty good defender and France will be relying on him being back to his best if they are to challenge.

Ricardo Carvalho
John Terry’s better half will be keen to show he can perform just as well without the blubbering wreck by his side.