All the big news written down in a list

Something about Paul McCartney taking his Beatle’s stage show to Anfield suggests that people all over Europe might be standing back and hailing Liverpool as the European Capital of Culture around thirty or forty years too late. That said, anyone who doesn’t erupt into tears at the thought of drunk Liverpudlians weeping Yesterday in their thousands should be seriously investigated. In other moving news…

Mark Hughes to Manchester City
Suddenly everyone wants Mark Hughes to take care of their boys - first Abramovich, now these guys. His white hair demands respect, but could a man destined to manage United really do a job at City?

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Surely not.

Michael Essien to Inter Milan
Of course, everyone has been bigging up the chances of Lampsie, Drog-drog and Carvalho heading East to spend quality time with his special highness, but now it seems young Essien has bounced to the front of the queue brandishing a big red apple.

These men would DIE for you

With the transfer window now wide open, money men with be lapdancing pathetically throughout the summer, hoping to attract some big name players. Don’t bother with this little lot, you successful football whores.

GK Brad Friedel (Blackburn Rovers)
He might have been plying his trade in Blighty for over ten years, but Friedel still has that “U.S.A!” grit about him - a stateside quality most profoundly portrayed by Sly Stallone in Escape to Victory in 1981. He’s been at Blackburn since 2000, and against stiff competition from the likes of David James and Petr Cech, he still comes out on top. Just.

DL Phil Neville (Everton)
There’s something about Phil Neville that suggests he spends teatime shovelling food into his mouth at an ungodly speed, before slamming his cutlery down, punching the are and shouting “I win”. It’s a worry.

All the players rated according to their unpopularity

What a Champions League final. Two delighted sets of fans, then the rest of Europe all scratching their heads trying to figure out which of the teams they want to win less. The Spoiler has taken a long look at all of the players who should be involved, and marked them out of ten, using a state-of-the-art Hate-o-meter. Results follow…

Chinawhite gets a visit from porn queen and drinking King

What better way to secure a place in the Champions League final than to party the night away with the world’s most famous porn star? That’s exactly what Salomon Kalou, Michael Essien and John Terry got up to last night, when they shared London hotspot Chinawhite with bongo legend Jenna Jameson. JT looked quite bleary eyed as he exited the club - the thought of his first Champions League final has obviously left him feeling a little over-emotional.

And who is the ‘drinking King’ referred to in the title, you ask? Well, that’s Ledley King of course - who is summoned to any social function by the faintest whiff

‘The most talked about model in the country,’ says her new book…

They say that everyone has a book within them, and 24-year-old glamour model Cassie Sumner is no exception. When she isn’t putting her thoughts to paper or bearing her breasts outside nightclubs, Kent-born Cassie has been steadily working her way through the Chelsea team - so far she has bagged Celestine Babayaro, Steve Watts and Michael Essien.

The cover of her latest tome boasts that she has dated ‘everyone from Russell Brand to [the aforementioned] Michael Essien’, depsite the fact that Essien denied they ever went out and Brand discredited her kiss-and-tell claims as part of his stand up tour. Nevertheless, we at The Spoiler took a scientific approach to discovering who the ‘everyone’ in the huge spectrum between Mr Brand and Mr Essien may be, and devised the Cassie Sumner famous steamroll-o-meter:

Looks like it was only Ziggy, then.