Owen declares “I’m better than you” via the medium of clothes
While his old England buddy, Alan Shearer, actually begins to impress the nation with his ability to repeat exactly what Alan Hansen has just said and still get paid for it, Michael Owen was caught up in a similarly absurd expression of nonchalant wealth.
Striding into Ascot to enjoy a fine day of horse racing, the dinky little striker thought it wise to avoid being spotted by wearing the world’s most snooty outfit. All that was missing was a sharp nosed wife and a concierge. Whatever that is.
If you’re planning to go to Glasgow tonight, don’t, it would be a silly silly move. Should Rangers win, Celtic supporters go bonkers, should Rangers lose, everyone goes bonkers. And, of course, “bonkers” is street slang for face punchy and eye scratchy. You would be far wiser to read about today’s transfers and say nothing more about it…
Carlos Puyol to Man United
Fergie has long been an admirer of Puyol’s gorgeous long hair and robust playing style - the whisper is that he’s going to throw Gerard Pique in as bait.
The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: He’s Mr Barcelona, and the Ferdinand/Vidic axis of strength might be impossible to break. Unlikely.
Giovani dos Santos to Chelsea
This guy has been hailed as ‘the new Ronaldinho’, which presumably means he’s a great footballer, not a podgy nighclubber who could eat his breakfast through a fence.
While everyone else is out topless sunbathing, TheSpoiler has been zooming about the undergrowth hunting for transfer rumours. Today this is what they’re saying:
Michael Owen to Everton
After Keegan’s inspirational speech about never becoming a top four team, it seems that Michael Owen is frantically searching for the Newcastle exit. So desperately that he’s been linked with the old enemy. Nice one Keegs.
Daniel Alves to Manchester United
United’s burly shaved gorillas in suits will be seething after Chelsea nabbed Boswinga while they were outside bumping chests and celebrating the contract. Their revenge will be creeping into Sevilla and bundling Alves onto the back of Sir Alex’s motorbike.
There is no time to rest in football. Ferguson might have been dancing on the tables last night, but he’d have been back at his desk this morning with a muesli bar from a garage to plan how to best inflict pain on others come August.
Today’s transfer rumours read like this:
Dimitar Berbatov to Manchester United
Wow, where did this one come from? Who knew that Berbs wanted to leave? Might it have something to do with his agent demanding that he leave? As things stand United are front-runners, with Ferguson after a mature football mind to spearhead his attack. But there have also been increasingly fervent whispers echoing in from Barcelona insisting that he can go there if he wants to. Sir Alex will have to be at his most charming and flirtatious to bag this puppy. So to speak.
Samuel Eto’o to Inter Milan
More bad news Spurs. Apparently Inter are set to stroll up to the Barca striker and casually ask whether he’d like to join the Italian champions or the eleventh best Premier League side.
Newcastle boss believes the traditional handshake is so passé
As Harry Enfield’s ‘Big Bob Joylove’ proved beyond reasonable doubt, nothing endears you to a rival, colleague or casual acquaintance quite like a good pat on the face.
Kevin Keegan is a strong advocate of palm-to-cheek affection, and has been avoiding the handshakes of players and managers up and down the country since his nineties prime.
Take a look at the inspirational gallery below and remember - why shake someone’s hand when you could invade their personal space?
While most sane people have spent the morning looking to the heavens trying to figure out where all the drizzle is coming from, the rest of us have been discussing London Elections, chomping back numerous bags of crisps, and keeping a casual eye fixed angrily on transfer rumours. Here’s what it found out.
Dean Ashton to Newcastle
Kevin Keegan is reportedly eyeing up Ashton to take over Mark Viduka’s role of standing perfectly still while Michael Owen and Obafemi Martin zip around in circles like dogs chasing a bumble bee. Ashton is rumoured to be keen.
David Villa to Tottenham
Days after emphatically declaring Arsenal as his dream destination, it looks like David Villa might throw caution to the wind and go to Spurs instead. Luckily for him, Tottenham fans are hugely forgiving - just ask Pat Jennings… or Sol Campbell.
Is ‘dwarf’ the correct term now? Or is it ‘little person’? ‘Height challenged’? ‘Tallness impaired’? Etc…
Just because they’re small doesn’t mean they lack a sense of irony - this Brazilian football side are named the Giants of the North. The world’s first all-dwarf side play with full sized goals, and managed to lose 5-2 to an under-13 side on Sunday. When your keeper is 4ft 7in and your central defenders stand as high as Peter Crouch’s knee, this isn’t a terrible result.
The team, whose smallest player is 3ft 7in, was put together to combat the second biggest
Michael Owen’s £104k-a-week contract expires at the end of next season, and this morning’s Guardian says the 28 year old will be seeking a pay rise. He says:
“Players don’t change overnight and I am still the same player I was five years ago.”
He has scored just four goals this season - not a great return on Newcastle’s staggering weekly investment.
Do you agree with Mr Owen’s startling self assessment? How much should The Toon be paying him? Comments and votes below, please.
Read what happens when football execs take charge of the entertainment
Last night’s PFA Gala dinner proved that life in the glamourous world of professional football isn’t all cheeseburgers and hookers - it’s also big suited money men making bad executive decisions about music.
For a ridiculous £5,000, excited guests turned up to their tables of ten, looking forward to some beautiful food crafted from the delicate hands of Paul Heathcote, a Bolton fan and top chef, followed by a night of jaw-dropping entertainment, courtesy of some hand-picked international “megastars”.
Some groups even stumped up a whopping £10,000 so that they could sit in the same area as these celebs and look on in silent awe as they quaffed delicious champagne and demanded more food be delivered at once.
But then the word “megastar” took a nasty turn.
Surely expecting Depp, Cruise, perhaps a little bit of Kravitz, the crowds were instead ‘treated’ to Jack Dee, John Christos (who?), and then the final insult - Simply Red.
Even Michael Owen, who wasn’t there and isn’t sure what kind of music he likes, would be completely disgusted. Presumably.
Got a story for the Spoiler? Have you ever thrown ten grand out of the window? Leave comments below
