The Madridistas have found a new hero, says our Spanish media spy

If he scores against Villarreal tonight, Cristiano Ronaldo will make history, by becoming the first ever Real Madrid player to score in his first four consecutive league clashes. With the Primera season well underway, The Spoiler’s Real Madrid mole Valentine Fell tells us how the Spanish capital has responded since his ceremonious arrival…

The media
Despite the obligatory negative swipes he has been receiving, the press are desperate to speak to C-Ron: the ‘mixed zone’ at the Bernabeu turns into a full-on rugby-scrum every week in an attempt to get so much as a soundbite from him. There’s no doubt the city’s physiotherapists will be getting a few more visits in the coming months, due to the contortionist-like positions the media are having to put themselves in to get their mics anywhere near his little pocky face.

The Portuguese media
A batch of mentalists that warrant their own group. The press conferences are head-banglingly annoying as the Portuguese press seem to have camped out at Valdebebas (the team’s training ground) to ask every single player and staff member about the perma-tanned one. It’s a little like watching an overbearing parent at an open evening. The rest of the media are all waiting patiently for the player who blows his fuse first. My money is on Raul!

His teammates
Watching Cristiano in training is like watching a machine. Before

Could the World Cup hopeful go from Los Angeles to Lancashire?

When his self-imposed US exile expires, David Beckham is likely to rejoin AC Milan: he recently reasoned that the move would be born out of “patriotism” and passionate for his country”, perhaps not realising that Milan isn’t in England.

However, a transfer back to the Premiership is still a possibility, and the latest club to be thrown into the fray are Blackburn. They are linked to Mr B via 412-year-old Spanish defender and former Real Madrid teammate Michel Salgado:

“David and I are still friends. He asked me all about my new club.

“Could I get David to Blackburn? Of course I’ll have to speak with him.

“The problem might be we have to collect money from the players to pay his wages.”

Spoiler bonus: We don’t think that Beckham will be lured to Ewood Park by the prospect of playing with his old amigo, so Blackburn will have to remain internationally famous only for its mention in this song…

The latest transfer gossip, rumours and damned lies

Michel Salgado to Blackburn
Spanish papers AS and Sport say the unemployed 33-year-old has turned down offers from Real Zaragoza and Dubai for sunny Blackburn. He is due in England to finalise the deal today.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: If Big Sam can wade through the financial red tape at Ewood Park, this one is on.

Sergio Aguero to Chelsea
Maradona’s son-in-law has been heavily linked with Manchester Utd over the summer, but The Sun believe Chelsea are the frontrunners to buy out his £50m get-out clause. They have 24 hours

The latest transfer gossip, news and damned lies

Steven Taylor to Everton
The Daily Star believe Mr Newcastle could be on his way to Goodison, thus clearing the way for Joleon Lescott’s departure. The fee is said to be £8m.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: Taylor will almost certainly welcome a move back to the Premiership, but that’s not necessarily an indication that David Moyes has given up on keeping Lecott.

Michel Salgado to Blackburn
After being released by Madrid, the 33-year-old Champions League-winning right back is currently without employment. The Mirror say Sam Allardyce is about to come to the rescue, provided he can overcome an internal finance issue at Ewood Park.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: Salgado agreed to join

Former Manchester Utd players can become victims of passion

Cristiano Ronaldo might not get along with Real Madrid’s training ground “hazing” policies, as Ruud van Nistelrooy recently found out.

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Spanish prostitutes probably do not feel the same way

Last week, Real madrid president Ramon Calderon told the world that his club are no longer interested in pursuing Portuguese man-o’-sex Cristiano Ronaldo. As if by sheer coincidence, the self-confident winger then decided he would pledge his future to Manchester Utd. Well, he would try to promise to think about considering maybe staying on:

“I insist I’m a Manchester United player and now I think that I will continue here next year.”My head is focused on the club. My focus is solely on playing well for Manchester United and winning the Premier League and Champions League again.”

Today, however, Madrid right-back Míchel Salgado has waded in, insisting the La Liga defending champs are happier without the services of the FIFA World Player of the Year favourite:

“It’s great news for us that Ronaldo has no interest in coming here.

“It means the end of all the speculation which has been a big distraction for us and prevented the club going out and signing other players who would have strengthened the squad in all positions, not just one.”

Are Real truly better off for not bagging C-Ron? In these crunchy times, are Manchester Utd better off without that £60m? let us know your thoughts with a comment below.