Today’s gossip, rumours and damned lies

The man guilty of the worst miss since Ronnie Rosenthal embarrassed himself, is once again striking fear into the hearts of Spurs fans everywhere, threatening to join Juande Ramos in North London. Diego Forlan has revived his career in Spain, enjoying successful spells at Villarreal and currently Atletico Madrid, but his disastrous stint at Old Trafford will linger long in the memory. Still, the Uruguayan has scored a goal every other game in La Liga, and could prove an excellent asset for an imminently Berba-less Tottenham.

Mikael Silvestre to Arsenal
The want-away defender has been linked with most of the Premier League this summer, but appears to have finally settled on a move to Arsenal. Wenger revealed months ago that he was in the market for a powerful centre-half and though Silvestre will be a surprise choice, the experienced French international may prove a shrewd addition to his young squad.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Looks like a done deal

Stewart Downing to Liverpool
Rafa seems to have given

Today’s gossip, rumours and damned lies

The Spoiler never winds down, not even on a Friday. So while you’re probably chugging back your fifth beer of the morning, wondering whether Michael Vaughan can be correctly described as an “athlete”, we’ve been poking our noses into places where men in suits discuss football. Here’s what we sniffed out…

Cristiano Ronaldo update
Reports in Spain are claiming that Real Madrid have signed Dutch winger Rafael van der Vaart, a move that could well put paid to Ronaldo’s hopes of further bolstering his tan under Spain’s magnificent sun. He should probably rethink his proposed talks with Ferguson, in which he plans to reveal, in no uncertain terms, that his future lies with Madrid.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Real Madrid have finally given up on Ronaldo.

Mikael Silvestre to Aston Villa
Ferguson has been trying to shake off Silvestre for ages now, and should have few qualms with allowing him to join Villa on loan. Villa are looking for someone to replace the departed Olof Mellberg and the experienced French international certainly fits the bill. The only sticking point could be Silvestre’s £60,000 wage demands.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Silvestre will have to settle for less to secure a deal.

Younes Kaboul to Portsmouth
Having turned down a move to the glorious kingdom of Sunderland, Kaboul is now considering joining happy Harry on the south coast. The lure of European football should be enough to convince the Spurs defender that it will be fun playing in a town where seagulls outnumber people by a thousand to one. Roughly.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: The wheeler-dealer to get a new recruit.

King Kev must discover what defenders are used for

After considering how the London clubs, newbie Prem sides,and Manchester and Mersey teams should invest their vast fortunes in the closed season, we now turn our attention to the north east…

Newcastle

Top priority:
Invest in the defence - You can pretty much guarantee this is at the top of Newcastle’s list every summer, but whoever they bring in seems to flop. In Michael Owen, Obafemi Martins and Mark Viduka they have a well-balanced strike trio, although they could use someone new to provide backup alongside Andy Carroll. The midfield may require one or two new faces should Emre, Barton or Milner leave.

Fitting the bill: Anton Ferdinand, Mikael Silvestre (if Barton leaves), Steve Finnan

Sunderland

Top priority:
A new transfer strategy - Sunderland’s last two Premier League seasons saw them relegated with record low points totals (now broken by Derby) and it took over £40 million of spending to finish in 15th this time round. Last season Sunderland spoke loudly about their big budget, which led to them paying over the odds for average players like Michael Chopra, Kieran Richardson and Andy Reid. A bit more tact this summer may see them continue to strength but without being taken to the cleaners, though rumours of a £5 million bid for James Beattie don’t offer much hope.

Fitting the bill: Michael Dawson, Stephen Hunt, Pedro Mendes, Carlton Cole

Middlesbrough

Top priority:
A replacement for Mark Schwarzer - Gareth Southgate’s side aren’t expected to spend as heavily as their neighbours, but they did surprise everyone by bringing in Afonso Alves in January, so they may catch others off guard again. Southgate has admitted he isn’t looking to change things too drastically due to his faith in the squad.

Fitting the bill: Carlo Cudicini, Scott Carson, Tomasz Kuszczak

All the big news written down in English

For those who lie awake wondering whatever happened to Bill Wyman after he walked out on the Rolling Stones in 1993, you can breathe easy - he’s totally fine, and making a fine living as the face of SuperSmoker electronic cigarettes. They look brilliant/ridiculous. Anyway, now that you can relax properly, why not fill your mind with new information, like today’s transfer rumours?

Paul Robinson to Bolton
Forgetful Gary Megson - Egyptian keeper Ali Al Habsi emerged as a star in Bolton’s relegation run-in, he was brilliant. Not brilliant enough to keep Megson’s beady eyes away from Robinson’s slippery wet hands though.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: For £5 million! Madness.

Gregory Coupet to Tottenham
While Robinson takes his eel-like fingers back up North. Juande Ramos is putting France’s number one goalkeeper on a ferry for half the price.

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Likely, even for a 35-year-old.

Unfamiliar guest brings the party down

Picture the scene: you’ve just won the biggest cup in Europe, and not only that, you’ve also broken the appearance record at your club, Man United. You’re dancing around drinking in the atmosphere with your great mates Wes Brown and Rio Ferdinand. Ferds just winked at you and mouthed “you’re the best” - you never thought there could be such thing as the perfect day. And then you glance to your left, and everything falls apart. A stranger has crashed your party, and now you’re on a massive downer.

“Who the hell are you?” you shout.

“Mikael Silvestre,” he pleads, “I play for your team.”

Yeah, right.

Like that’s even a real name. Security!