The latest gossip, rumours and damned lies

There’s just one more day until the transfer window is flung open, and a stroppy Ivorian is dominating the headlines amidst talk of a name-and-shame session at Chelsea HQ…

Didier Drogba to leave Chelsea
According to sources at The Daily Mail, Big Phil held a 45-minute clear-the-air session at Chelsea’s Cobham training ground yesterday, where many “key players” cited Le Drog as the principle reason for dressing room disharmony. After votes were counted, Didier Drogba was nominated to be evicted from the Big Chelsea House in January.

Spoiler truth-o-meter: With each passing day, Drogba’s future at Chelsea gets shorter, and it will probably be best for everyone if he runs off into the sunset with his lover Jose.

Mikel Arteta to Arsenal
Ever since Professor Wenger suggested he may defy his usual practise of spending absolutely nothing in the January window, the Gunners have been linked to every midfielder under the sun. Despite the strong Andrei Arshavin links, The Guardian believes Mikel Arteta will plug the Fabregas-shaped hole in exchange for £12m.

Spoiler truth-o-meter: It’s clear that Arsenal wish to bring in a midfielder, and Arteta would be a cheaper alternative to Arshavin, who has no Premier League experience and a mercenary attitude

Mikel Arteta’s lady could cost Everton the Champions League

Good news for Liverpool fans - if there’s any sense of harmony in the world, Everton will take fifth place at the end of this season. Mikel Arteta’s better half Lorena Bernal, you see, has just finished fifth in Nuts Magazine’s prestigious ‘100 Sexiest Footballer’s Wives’ poll. And if a comparison with a pseudo-porn weekly rag isn’t enough of a Da Vinci Code-style pattern to predict the league, then I simply don’t know what is.