All the big news written down in a list

Something about Paul McCartney taking his Beatle’s stage show to Anfield suggests that people all over Europe might be standing back and hailing Liverpool as the European Capital of Culture around thirty or forty years too late. That said, anyone who doesn’t erupt into tears at the thought of drunk Liverpudlians weeping Yesterday in their thousands should be seriously investigated. In other moving news…

Mark Hughes to Manchester City
Suddenly everyone wants Mark Hughes to take care of their boys - first Abramovich, now these guys. His white hair demands respect, but could a man destined to manage United really do a job at City?

The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Surely not.

Michael Essien to Inter Milan
Of course, everyone has been bigging up the chances of Lampsie, Drog-drog and Carvalho heading East to spend quality time with his special highness, but now it seems young Essien has bounced to the front of the queue brandishing a big red apple.

Goaty old European clubs long to tell Jose how much they love him, but they’re all still married to another!

In counting his suitors this week, handsome troublemaker Jose Mourinho finds a wealthy new Italian making googly eyes across the room, while long-time enthusiasts Real Madrid can barely contain their desire to be with him. Current standings in the race to win his affection are as follows:

1) Inter Milan (new entry!). “I want to leave,” said manager Roberto Mancini a week or so ago, then a couple of days later, “I don’t want to leave.” What to make of this flip-flop? Presumably this is just some fancy window dressing, as Inter have apparently made Mourinho an offer to take over but don’t want to confirm Mancini’s departure until the next manager, (Mourinho, they pray), has responded favourably to their invitation.

2) Real Madrid. Relations between Madrid and her current husband, ill-mannered teuton Bernd Schuster, have reached their chilliest depth so far, and this marriage is unlikely to last the summer. Madrid have now lost seven of 19 games, including a 3-2

The Spoiler’s guide to saying naughty things in foreign

Reportedly, Jose Mourinho would swear at referees in Portuguese so he could deny his aggravated language if questioned (”Honestly, ‘Lambe-me os colhes’ means ‘I agree with your informed choice’”). Javier Mascherano, on the other hand, chose an English four letter word to express his dismay, instead of reverting to his native tongue. This makes the Special One ‘smart’, and the Argentinean one ‘stupid’.

The Premier League’s vast array of imports would do well to take a leaf from Mourinho’s book of sly cussing, so here’s our top ten booking-free-guaranteed foreign insults. Let’s kick it off with one that could have helped Javier safely vent his spleen on Sunday:

Argentinean
Tarado - Retard

Norweigian
G’ og sug en hest - Go suck a horse!

Portuguese
Cabe’a-de-Bagre - Catfish head

Spanish
Cago en tu leche - I sh*t in your milk