Captive players aren’t making the most of their trip to the Far East

As men who are only obliged to work for a few hours each day, Manchester Utd’s star players are quite adept at finding ways to while away the hours - Rio Ferdinand spends most of his free time merking, Dimitar Berbatov sleeps until he needs a cigarette and Federico Macheda prowls the streets for ladies who are impressed by a seventeen year old in a sports car.

However, thanks to a combination of terrorism, poor weather and fanatical supporters, Fergie’s men have been confined like prisoners in their luxury hotel in Kuala Lumpur. The Telegraph reports:

Since their arrival last Friday, the United camp has been billeted on its own floor in the Mandarin Oriental, away from the supporters and autograph hunters who spend hours in the hotel lobby attempting to grab a glimpse of their idols.

It is a tale of DVD’s, iPods and sheer mind-numbing boredom for the majority of the players once they have done their training for the day.

Some are lucky enough to be selected

Louis van Gaal to prevent top stars from getting their grooves on

In his first attempt to impose some authority on his newly inherited Bayern Munich squad, Louis van Gaal has insisted that his players cut sexy disco visits out of their routines.

According to Bild, the disciplinarian Dutchman will be monitoring his players’ extra-curricular activities, presumably through a network of “disco detectives”. Van Gaal said he will be paying particularly close attention to notorious night spot P1, Munich’s equivalent of Movida where Munich’s equivalent of Danielle Lloyd probably hangs out.

Turkish midfielder Hamit Altıntop - clearly a fan of pounding German techno music and lady-based fun - does not seem to agree with the restrictions:

“Work is work. Private is private. The coach has said nothing to us about this.”

Popular Bayern striker Miroslav Klose, however, won’t miss the Munich nightlife:

“Every player needs to behave professionally, and needs to know what is right and important. I know some players who went to the disco every day.”

After making these comments, Klose apparently went and put an apple on Van Gaal’s desk. Simultaneously, Franck Ribery reportedly scrawled ‘Ass Kisser’ on Klose’s car, before running behind the bike sheds to smoke cigarettes and look at porn with Luca Toni.

[A tip of the cap to IMScouting]

… If Bayern win the Champions League

Luca Toni’s Bayern Munich are high on Champions League confidence after putting approximately 412 goals past Sporting in the last round, but face a huge challenge against Barcelona in the quarter-finals this month.

The World Cup winner has been decorated with many honours in his football career, but he is willing to give anything to get his hands around the European Cup, including his clothes and dignity:

“Reaching Rome is my goal. I have won so many titles in my career but this one still eludes me.

“If we bring the Champions League trophy back to Munich, I promise: I will walk naked through the Marienplatz!”

Toni believes Bayern Munich have the mettle to win the competition, thanks to the fact that they field “eleven lions”, rather than “eleven professionals”. Frankly, we can’t see the Germans getting past Barcelona or Liverpool/ Chelsea in the semis, but the proposed nudity stunt will definitely excite his legions of female fans: Italian women recently voted Toni as the footballer they would most like to see naked.

[Bild]