Pseudo-WAG launches pseudo-pop career

As a one-time conquest of Middlesbrough’s Seb Hines, Chanelle Hayes‘ relationship with the footballing world is almost as tenuous as her relationship with the music industry. Via the manipulation of double tracking, a whole heap of reverb and various other studio trickery, Chanelle has recently launched a pop career. The song is hideously derivative and uninspired, but her decision to wear lingerie throughout this generic mess is her saving grace.

Click the little picture of Chanelle in her brassiere to see her contribution to the collapse of western civilisation. Then check out Cheryl Cole’s latest effort to see which you hate more.

Chelsea love rat given the heave via the medium of jewellery

If you watched the recent ITV2 series The Passions of Girls Aloud, you will have seen scorned WAG Cheryl Cole training to street dance for an appearance in a new video for Black Eyed Peas goon Will.I.Am.

The resulting song (rather fittingly entitled ‘Heartbreaker’) was released today. As may be expected from the man who wrote ‘My Humps’, it’s rubbish, and Cheryl only actually dances for about three seconds. But fortunately, she looks ’super hawt’, and her necklace displays a message that will bring joy to the nation: