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Fabio Cannavaro inspires the Five Worst Doping Excuses list
[Off The Post]

Sulley Muntari dismisses rumours of a Tottenham switch
[Goal.com]

As always, Sergio Ramos looks ri-god-damn-diculous
[Kickette]

Cheryl Cole is hot, confusing
[Dirty Tackle]

West Ham target Luca Toni wants a move to Napoli
[Daily Mail]

Bye bye Peter Taylor
[LMA]

Carlo Ancelotti backs his former employer Milan to improve, probably with a huge grin on his face
[The Mirror]

Also appearing on a computer near you…

The Guardian Gallery takes a look at Fergie’s space-time continuum

Fergie’s managerial greatness questioned
[DJ Mick]

Portsmouth are unpaid and lovin’ it
[Dirty Tackle]

Are the aforementioned Portsmouth chasing after Rafa Benitez?
[Caught Offside]

David Beckham’s beard inspires a lazy beard compilation that we wish we had thought of first
[Daily Mail]

Hull hope to benefit from the Bullard bounce
[Betfair Football]

Gianfranco Zola could be tempted to Napoli
[The Telegraph]

Darren Bent reveals concern for the ozone and a love of Katy Perry
[ChannelBee]

The latest transfer gossip, rumours and damned lies

Peter Crouch to Liverpool
Despite selling him to Portsmouth for £11m last year, Rafa Benitez is interested in bringing Crouchie back into the fold, say the Daily Star. It would cost £12m to steal the lanky striker away from potential suitors Tottenham.

The Spoiler truth-o-meter: Crouch has snubbed Sunderland and Harry Redknapp has been quoted in the Daily Mail saying wage demands may scupper the deal, so a return to Abbey Clancy’s homeland isn’t unfeasible.

John Terry to stay at Chelsea
Following Didier Drogba’s confident endorsement of his captain, Carlo Ancelotti has insisted Mr Chelsea will not sell his soul:

“John Terry, I repeat, is the captain of this team and he will be the symbol of this club and this team for many years.

“It’s not been a problem in these last few days. He will be the captain of Chelsea in the future.”

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Napoli FC fans arrive at a train station ahead of a match with Roma. Must’ve been a pretty big train
[Bloke and Coke]

Are Barcelona the best team on Earth right now?
[Soccerlens]

The story of pre-Manchester Utd Cristiano Ronaldo
[EPL Talk]

A man has spent £80,000 on a numberplate for his Ford Escort. Why? Because it reads “CR7″, that’s why
[Daily Mail]

Manchester City have agreed a fee of around £16m for Nigel de Jong
[Football365]

Ooh look! Paul Gascoigne’s daughter Bianca is wearing a hat!
[The Sun]

Another look at Amr Zaki’s brilliant miss
[101GG]

Chelsea look to replace injured Joe Cole with Wigan star
[The Telegraph]

If Alan Sugar and Jeremy Beadle had a love child…

Italian film producer and Napoli president Aurelio De Laurentiis has been been causing a fuss at the Serie A club for the huge pair of iron handcuffs he slaps on a player when they sign: since 2004, Napoli players have had to sign away image rights and sponsorship deals exclusively to the club.

Defiant in his tyranny, De Laurentiis has said his unhappy stars can go to England if they don’t like it in Naples, but bvelieves there may be nasty consequences to sleeping with Danielle Lloyd:

“We made these players - two years ago nobody knew who they were,” roared the movie mogul.

“If they want to go to England then in the end they’re going to go, but they need to understand this: the English live badly, eat badly and their women do not wash their genitalia. To them, a bidet is a mystery.”

There are plenty of reasons De Laurentiis could criticise ol’ Blighty for, but the lack of bidets? Does a shortage of hideously antediluvian plumbing fixtures really warrant such a racist and sexist slur?

Perhaps the man who produced Petomane, the true story of a Frenchman who can control his own farts, should keep his opinions on hygiene to himself.

[Dirty Tackle]

That Ronaldinho must be a bad influence

Being such a devout Christian, Kaka usually does everything possible to shy away from controversy but even he couldn’t resist a dig at Jose Mourinho after AC Milan triumphed 1-0 in the Milan derby.

The former Chelsea boss was adamant that his team deserved a point from the game and also took a swipe at Serie A leaders Lazio. He said:

“I saw two teams tonight and neither one deserved a win more than the other,” before adding: “When I look at the table, with all due respect, I don’t look at Lazio, Napoli or Catania. I see that we are ahead of Roma, Juventus and Milan.”

Kaka, whose compatriot and polar opposite Ronaldinho scored the winner with his first goal for the club, bit back by saying: