The best sports on the telebox this weekend

Tonight is all about the League One Play-off semi-final between Doncaster and Southend. Much like the bookies, The Spoiler believes Donny will send the Essex boys packing at Keepmoat tonight. Disagree? Put yer money where yer mouth is, hot shot.

It’s another packed weekend of sport, so stay out of the rain and enjoy the following:

FRIDAY

Cricket
England/ New Zealand First Test (Sky Sports 1, from 10.30am) - chickendinner betting preview
Mumbai Indians/ Kolkata Knight Riders (Setanta Sports 1, 3.30pm)

League One Play-off Semi-final
Doncaster Rovers/ Southend Utd (Sky Sports 1, 7.45pm)

SATURDAY

Cricket
England/ New Zealand First Test (Sky Sports 2, from 10.30am) - chickendinner betting preview
Rajasthan Royals/ Bangalore Royal (Setanta Sports 2, 11.30am)
Delhi Daredevils/ Kings XI Punjab (Setanta Sports 1, 3.30pm)

Scottish Premier League
Motherwell/ Rangers (Setanta Sports 1, 12.30pm)

FA Cup Final
Cardiff City/ Portsmouth (BBC1, 3pm) - chickendinner betting preview

The best sports on the telebox tonight

No, it hasn’t been some sort of four-day-weekend deluded fantasy - the England team are about to claim the New Zealand test series. Piling on an England victory at 1/25 will get you full marks for belated patriotism, but little financial return. So, unless a punt on the World Women’s Curling Championship revs your engine (British Eurosport at 9.15pm if you’re evening plans are that depressing), the only other sporting action on the box tonight comes in the form of Northwhich Victoria’s visit to York City. To get the best odds on the Blue Square Premier tie, visit the oddschicken.

Blue Square Premier
York City/ Northwich Victoria (Setanta Sports 1, 7.45pm)

Cricket: Third Test
New Zealand/ England (Sky Sports 1, 9pm)

Third Test, Friday 21st, 10pm, bet here

Exciting developments in the world of organ transplants: people receiving the transplanted organs have been found to take on the personalities of the donors. After receiving the kidney of a brainy person, soap fan Cheryl Johnson, 37, suddenly found herself more interested in Egyptology and the novels of Dostoevsky. A woman previously terrified of heights became a climber after a transplant, and a child who received the heart of a murder victim suddenly started having terrible nightmares (expect horror franchise on this theme shortly.)

The England cricket team in New Zealand was also just one game away from needing an emergency talent transplant as a last throw of the dice - their ability to play competitively

The best sports on the telebox this weekend

Over the next few days, lads from good ol’ Blighty will be hawking their sporting wares on both sides of the equator: the rugger team will struggle to defeat the Irish on home soil, the cricket team will struggle to cover up their embarrassing first test in New Zealand, and tiny little Lewis Hamilton will probably struggle to defeat the might of Kimi Räikkönen in Australia (although I tip him to get pole at 5/2). Whether you have faith in our boys or not, show your alliances with a punt using the best odds available.

FRIDAY

Cricket - second test
New Zealand/ England (Sky Sports 1, 9pm)

Formula One
Australian GP Qualifying (ITV1, 2.15am) - chickendinner betting preview here

SATURDAY

Scottish Premier League
Motherwell/ Celtic (Setanta Sports 1, 12.30pm)

Six Nations
Italy/ Scotland (BBC1, 1pm)
England/ Ireland (BBC1, 3pm)
Wales/ France (BBC1, 5pm) - chickendinner betting preview here

First Test, 9pm, Sky Sports 1, bet here

As an antidote to the heart-frying drama in Milan last night, a journey to the other side of the planet, to New Zealand, no less, where the England cricket team have travelled in search of their self-esteem, which they no sooner find than it runs away again. England’s test form has been bland over the last five years - played 60, won 30, lost 15, drawn 15 - and New Zealand are already well on the way to posting a decent first innings score in the first test, which suggests that this is perhaps not the game to best help England feel better about themselves. Indeed, their biggest impact on New Zealand is likely to be their gigantic carbon footprint. But perhaps some good can come from this spectacular eco-vandalism. Just last week the big brains discovered that Prozac is no more effective than Smarties at curing mental illness, and it is only a matter of time before other similar mood-altering drugs are outed as more useless than buttons. So where is the hooded youth to go for his tranquilisers now? How about a subscription to Sky on the NHS, and daily exposure to the tranquilising effect of the England XI’s fruitless labours? It won’t reduce the ozone hole, and the England team will still be deep in gloom, but it should really help with the ASBOs.

The statistics

* England have won just one of their last fifteen away test matches.

Kiwi opportunist flogs half-finished grub on auction website

Where once fans were satisfied by their favourite star scribbling enigmatically on a scrap of paper, now they want bodily fluids, DNA samples and even pieces of their potatoes.

When a New Zealand girl saw David Beckham leaving his unfinished dinner on the table at a branch of Nandos in Wellington this week, she swooped. And her loot – a half-eaten corn cob and a bottle of Coke with “some Coke left inside” – is now available to buy on Kiwi auction website Trade Me, along with a single chip the great man is alleged to have dropped in the street.

At the time of writing, the top bid for the chip is a meagre US$4.50, but frenzied interest from the international stalking community has taken the corn cob to US$80.00 and the Coke bottle to a not inconsiderable US$159.00.

While the seller fends off accusations of contamination by assuring prospective buyers that the items are meticulously sealed inside plastic bags, Beckham will probably be hoping the news doesn’t find its way to his generous patrons at Pepsi.