Awww, don’t cry Tottenham fans, we didn’t mean it (we did)
Something about the way Alex on The Apprentice started weeping and pointing at other people the minute anyone dared question his business acumen, even just slightly, suggests that he will one day make an absolutely tremendous football manager. He’s got it all - the quivering lip, the total lack of humility, everything!
Which got The Spoiler to thinking. Alex is a sensitive soul - some would say a pillock - but who else is sensitive? And, more specifically, what sets of football fans are the most fragile and Alex-like? The answer was, of course, simple: Spurs fans.
Go anywhere in the world, and you’ll find a delicate Tottenham supporter launching into an angry rage about Berbatov and why people should leave him alone (most of the time completely unnecessarily), or aggressively lampooning Sol Campbell, totally unaware that even Sol - the planet’s most fragile and nervous centre back - has put the whole nasty business behind him already. And God forbid anyone ever say the Arse word.
But, before Spurs fans start hysterically blubbing and screaming about how unfair that just sounded, stop - take a breath, wipe the drool from your tie and put the chair down. You’re not alone. Also registering high on the hurty-feelings scale are Newcastle’s finest/fattest - still convinced that Kevin Keegan is Jesus Christ, and it’s 1996 all over again - Man City fans (don’t
For those sensible enough to still be at work - rather than joining all the cheerful idiots bounding around the city centre in swimming costumes, hosing each other down and smearing ice cream everywhere - here are today’s very straight-faced transfer rumours. Roll VT…
Dudu to Everton
Whoever is compiling the list of Everton transfer targets is getting into some serious shorthand, first “Jo”, and now “Dudu” - both promising Brazilians from CSKA Moscow.
The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: By the sounds of the conditions, Liverpool might be a luxurious alternative to rainy Russia.
Jeremy Helan and Darnel Situ to Manchester United
Clever, Man United - two French teenagers, surely North London bound, and yet somehow their red private jet ended up in Manchester? Bet they weren’t expecting Arsene Wenger to sound so… Scottish.
The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: What United want, United get
Ahh, the race was on, and Barton won it. Every year, as soon as the Premier League season finishes, the players dash home, throw all of their stuff into a bag and zoom off to unwind somewhere lovely - the big question is who will get away first? And where the hell will they go?
Often they’ll head off to a dreamy beach hut or a luxury villa. But in the case of Newcastle United enforcer, Joey Barton, he’s chosen to spend his summer languishing behind bars wondering if it was really worth punching that teenager in the face outside McDonalds back in December. Chances are it wasn’t.
All of today’s rumours in one easy-to-use list thing
Well that’s it, the football seasons have ended throughout Europe… sorry, hang on, what’s that Scotland? Yours hasn’t finished? Hmmm, is it going to be Rangers or Celtic? Well, there’s a shock. Some might argue that your football season never really starts or ends. But enough of this zany metaphysical talk, what’s been going on in Transfer Land?
Frank Lampard to Inter Milan
Whenever it sounds like Jose Mourinho is close to picking up his sheriffs badge and polishing his six shooter, ready to rejoin the world of the employed, everyone starts frothing at the mouth and insisting that, well, that’s it, Lampard and Drogba will definitely be going to Italy after all. He’s not their dad, you know.
The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: Simple maths? Probably not, Columbo.
Mario Gomez to Newcastle
There is talk of Germany’s new star joining the pantheon of greats, like Jon-Dahl Tomasson, Albert Luque, Alan Smith, Warren Barton… the list is very long.
The Spoiler Truth-o-meter: One word Mario: don’t do it!
While everyone else is out topless sunbathing, TheSpoiler has been zooming about the undergrowth hunting for transfer rumours. Today this is what they’re saying:
Michael Owen to Everton
After Keegan’s inspirational speech about never becoming a top four team, it seems that Michael Owen is frantically searching for the Newcastle exit. So desperately that he’s been linked with the old enemy. Nice one Keegs.
Daniel Alves to Manchester United
United’s burly shaved gorillas in suits will be seething after Chelsea nabbed Boswinga while they were outside bumping chests and celebrating the contract. Their revenge will be creeping into Sevilla and bundling Alves onto the back of Sir Alex’s motorbike.
What is wrong with Kevin Keegan? It’s like he’s living in his own secret dream world where the top four teams in the Premier League no longer even exist. He’s already done his twittering and moaning about how they’re killing football, but now it looks like he’s taken to just totally blanking them.
So who are his Premier League heroes? The team he strives to become? Everton.
Of course, miserly Arsene Wenger is not a man to splash the cash. Or so everyone thought yesterday. Today it transpires that the scholarly French gentlemen forks out astonishing amounts of money on young players, and now he’s barged the big guns at Man United out of the way to sign Lyon youngster Hatem Ben Arfa.
The zippy left winger was supposed to be heading off to United for £14.4 million, but the player has confirmed that he talked with Arsenal, and may yet be off to North London instead for around £16 million - which is £500 zillion in Wenger currency.
“Today I am at Lyon, we will see what tomorrow is made of,” said Ben Arfa, steeping his sentence in gorgeous mystery.
People have been doing some serious big talking over the weekend - Jose to Inter, Frank to Inter, Didier to Inter. But, worry not, not everyone is off to Inter. Phil Neville, for example, will probably stay at Everton. And these guys all have one thing in common: they’ re all not going to Inter… yet.
Ashley Young to Chelsea
Time has come to accept that the Shaun Wright-Phillips experiment just isn’t working - he arrived small, quick and unable to pass properly, he will leave small, quick, and unable to pass properly. Only with a bit less confidence. So good work Chelsea. Next on their list of bright young talents to destroy is Aston Villa’s speedster Ashley Young. Don’t do it Ashley!
Steven Gerrard to Chelsea
With Frank Lampard set to resume his sensual love affair with Jose Mourinho, this time with a dreamy Italian backdrop, the Chelsea money may again be hurled into Steven Gerrard’s frowning face. With a couple of their top earners off the squad, Abramovich might even shatter payment records. Don’t do it, Stevie!
How hard will Newcastle have to work to stay with the big boys?
A few weeks ago, Kevin Keegan claimed his side would need 40 points to stay alive this year, but with 12 points required from nine games, many of which are against fellow strugglers, it doesn’t look like this total will be reached. But this may not be all bad news - in 2004/05, West Brom survived with just 34 points, and it looks like a similar amount will be needed this year.
If current form continues, however, the Geordies will finish on 30 points and in eighteenth place, while Bolton will survive on just 33.
So where do you think the cutoff will be? Votes and comments below, please.
No one can accuse Newcastle owner Mike Ashley of not listening to the fans. Indeed, his choice of Kevin Keegan as manager was a rare instance of management listening to customer. If the powers that be at the Toon have been watching the message boards at the Newcastle Chronicle recently, however, they might not be so eager to take the latest list of suggestions into the next board meeting.
Firstly, it looks like the fans have already started to realise that Keegan isn’t the Messiah they’d hoped. One Chronicle blogger writes:
“He did nothing @ Man City, and the England job showed him up for his lack of technical nous.”
So who’s being suggested as the successor to King Kev? It’s everybody’s favourite crook Terry Venables:
“How about NUFC getting in Terry Venables to help KK until the end of the season? I know people will say this will undermine KK etc etc and will say how much they hate Venables but clearly KK needs help from somewhere.”
